"I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on..."

I was in the ER a while ago. The doctor thought I was faking it because he didn't feel I was in sufficient pain. I was "too quiet" and therefore I couldn't be in actual pain. Amazingly, when they ran the appropriate tests, yes there was a problem, yes the pain was real. It's almost as though I came to the ER with an actual problem.

I was taught that my pain was something to hide. My parents weren't people that I could run to in tears and ask them to kiss my boo boos. I was knocked off my bicycle when I was 17. It did not occur to me to tell my mother that I was in pain. I went to bed and couldn't get up the next morning, at which point my mother had to do something. I had broken three ribs and dislocated two more.

It is really hard for me to express pain.

Yesterday I found out my entire summer is scrapped while I take care of my dental work. I am in pain. I don't know how to express it.

I know that the dental surgery will make things better in the long run. I know how fortunate I am that I can get the work done. However, it was not until I was describing the procedure to someone that I took it all in. I broke down and began crying. In less than an hour, my entire summer has changed, I have still have to deal with pain for six more weeks and then recovery. I am scared. Dental work is something I only associate with pain. Getting work done on my teeth is like torture. It's so bad that I have bitten my dentist.

So I am saying, I am in pain. I am scared and hurting. I know all the benefits of getting the surgery done. However, that doesn't change the fact that right now, I just want to go hide in my pillow fort and ignore the rest of the world.