"...like I am close to something real..."

I haven't been posting much. Part of it is because it is summer, but the big part is because my social anxiety and my online/text life have become a problem.

I met someone online, Eric. We had a lot in common, so we met in a public place and that went well, so we continued talking onlne and kept meeting in person. I thought things were going well.

Eric invited me to join him at a wet munch/play party in the local area. I knew that he was going to be there with a friend (his word). However I specifically asked and he told me that it wouldn't be a problem. It was a problem.

His friend seemed like much more than a friend and she was attached to him all night. What I thought as of  (and had dressed for) a date was a misunderstanding. I am not sure what it was supposed to be, but I don't think I would have agreed to go out on a work night, dressed to the nines, if I had thought it was anything less than a date.

I was polite that evening. The next day I noted my confusion and I tried to be as circumspect as possible. According to Eric I overreacted. He decided that we should no longer see each other. But no harm, no foul he said.

Yes there is harm and foul. Not only can I not trust anything he says, but now I am second guessing myself in all of my text communications. Maybe I am really just a horrible person who expects too much. I am starting to wonder about all my text conversations.

I am starting to feel like I am expecting too much of everyone. I figure that I was expecting too much to believe that Eric, who invited me to attend an event with him and knew that I didn't expect that I would know anyone, would be more considerate.

If I am just asking too much of everyone, and therefore should stop asking until I figure out what is appropriate. I just want a place safe, with someone who feels real. I have my husband and he is wonderful but he is an introvert, so there is only so much social he can do. I feel like I need something more companionable in my life. I am not sure that is something I can ever hope to find, given my levels of social anxiety.

The one upside is that I did know someone at the event.  I reconnected with an acquaintance and that relationship is on the way to becoming a friendship. Thanks to this person, I was introduced to a number of people at the munch and have returned a number of times and been invited to join them at other events.

Today's song is one that...well it suited my mood.