I have been in pain since the beginning of May. There have been multiple visits to various doctors and tests. If one more person tells me that it's muscle pain, I will scream.
I am at work, but only barely. I am sitting at my desk and killing time until I have to go home. I can't focus on anything. I am starting to worry about my summer plans. I don't know how I can do them if I am still feeling like this.
The depression is crippling. Every little thing is getting to me. I feel like I am never going to figure out what's wrong. I don't want another weekend where I don't do anything.
I am waiting for a phone call, a message, something from the urology specialist. I know I just have to wait, but I keep watching my e-mail for an update. The fact that I was hoping for another e-mail which hasn't been answered for a week isn't helping things. I just feel like no one sees me. I know it's not true, but that's what it feels like.
I heard today's song, it's just been released. It made me feel somewhat better. I couldn't find the lyrics, so no quote today.
There was a horrible night many years ago. I had been dating a guy for a few months and he had gone on a week long trip and neglected to mention it to me. By the time he returned, I was in full melt down and I don't think we ever saw each other again. There were some really nasty exchanges via e-mail and the phone, but I don't believe we saw each other.
I try not to indulge in what ifs, but I wonder what happened in the parallel world where I was taking brain medications and didn't go psycho.
I learned some valuable lessons from that experience. I learned that if I go crazy like that, it's because my chemistry is way off. I also learned that I didn't care that he took the trip, I cared that he didn't tell me. I was worried. I felt abandoned.
I have tried to make sure that I do self-checks and don't get myself into full melt down, it happens. It happened over this past weekend. And yes, it happened over DA. (It wasn't the first time, DA is among a rare group that make me psycho.)
I'd like to blame him, but it would be inaccurate. He is not responsible for the melt down, I am. I was off my brain medications (due to health issues) and I should have just stopped, breathed and let things be. I didn't.
That isn't to say that he did nothing wrong. When I approached him about meeting once to determine if there was a friendship to put together, I think I asked very little. I suggested meeting in public. I set a time limit (90 -120 minutes) and I asked that we not get into an email or text exchange prior to meeting. (There was about three weeks from initial conact and the first available evening we could meet.)
Of course we got into an extended exchange about how his current girlfriend would be incorporated into this "friendship". (I hadn't asked for a friendship, I asked to discuss the potential.)
I pushed back. As DA tried to front load his "needs" and I kept asking him to shut up and just let us meet, things went downhill. At any point, I could have let the arguments go. I didn't and things got mean. I can be a real bitch when I feel fearful and threatened.
I am going to take a moment to point out that I didn't do this alone. The e-mail that finally shut me down was one where DA quoted from my blog as his signature. If was from an entry before I made it friends only. However, how he had the perfect quote to slam me with makes me wonder how he knew to pull it. Further, he swore up and down that he had stopped reading my blog. I want points for not calling him the hypocrite that he is.
I stepped back and wrote: The easiest answer is to tender my apologies and go back to zero contact. It’s not what I want. I just don’t have a better idea.
DA hasn't responded and while I expect he will, I imagine it will only be to agree with me and get a final word in. (He really hates not getting the last word.)
I know I am owed a number of I told you so's by you folks. I know, I know. However, I learned something very important. I feel that this might be an overall win for me, in the long run.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have been living with GAD all of my life. It cost me grades at school,
jobs and promotions, friendships and romantic relationships. I need to really start thinking about it and do some cognitive behavioral therapy shit.
Some days are good, some days are bad, mostly I function. I’m wired the way I am. With all the fabulous and fantastic things my brain can do, there is a huge cost and last weekend the bill came due.
DA makes me very anxious. The "mistakes" he made during and after our relationship hurt in ways that left deep wounds, that are still healing. There are a lot of anxiety minefields wrapped up in our interactions. If DA can't abide by a rule as simple as "no e-mails or texts except logistics", then my anxiety about him isn't going to improve.
I have to wonder if things might have gone a bit better if that fellow I mentioned at the start of this entry and I had just talked things over a coffee. I like to think so, but maybe there are just some relationships that can never be repaired.
Today's Song inspired this entry. I was listening to the PTX channel on You Tube and I heard this song and it absolutely resonated. It is from the show "Dear Evan Hansen", but this is the version I heard first.
Today's Song - Waving Through a Window by Pentatonix
I had an infection last weekend. Any sort of illness is hard on me, it just takes time to heal. This past week has been a shite fest.
I need to own, I was off my usual medications. I know I’m barely functioning. I know I’m also a psycho bitch. I resumed normal meds yesterday.
That said:
- Apparently walking the dog and putting food on the table while I recovered was beyond the ability of the people I live with.
- I barely heard from Keto, even though he knew I was sick.
- I was too sick to see Rope Guy. He’s been more attentive, but we ended up fighting. I’ve hardly seen him for the past month. Just because I understand why he’s busy didn’t make having our less than settled plans get changed at the last minute any easier to cope with.
KZF has been annoying. He’s being passive aggressive and I can’t even with him.
I got into a huge fight with my husband. He ignored me while I was crying, so I left for a while. Suddenly, he’s worried and wants to know how I’m doing. We went to bed with things unresolved.
- it’s 3am and I can’t sleep. I finally gave in and took an anxiety pill. It hasn’t done much yet, but that's where today’s song cones in.
I know that a year after the fact, it is easy to rewrite past events to make one person seem less responsible for a break up. I know that I do it. I am going to try and be realistic, but I am biased. However, Rope Guy was trying to get a handle on my relationship with DA and I ended up venting on him. He doesn't deserve that, so I am taking it over here. So yes, this is a DA entry, albeit nothing terribly recent.
I broke up with DA prior to Memorial Day weekend last year. My family and I were ill and DA insisted on coming down to help. I pushed back hard, stating that I knew he had plans with his other girlfriend and that I didn't want to have a fight about my "selfishness" when I was already out of spoons. He said that he would handle his plans with other girlfriend. He promised that he would help.
I am not sure how it went this way (it was a bad weekend all around), but what ended up happening is that he did his laundry at my place on Friday night. On Saturday morning he left and spent the rest of the weekend taking care of his other girlfriend who was feeling lonely or whatever her damage was.
During the resulting fight, DA decided that he and I needed a two week break of no contact. I decided that I was tired of his bull shit. I told him that he could have as long of a break as he wanted. (This was helped along by a very blunt and trusted friend who pointed out that a two week silence was a coward's break up.)
DA and I never got back "together". We spent the summer trying to work something out, but it didn't happen. Other girlfriend had opinions. DA also met his current girlfriend about that time. The problems just kept getting worse and worse. DA and I saw each other. We slept together and even shared physical intimacy last summer, but the relationship was in it's death throes.
I believe that I didn't cut DA off sooner because between the chronic
pain and familial issues, cutting him out of my life was more trauma
than I could handle. Two weeks after I got oral surgery (which ended my chronic migraines and pain issues) I left DA for good. We didn't communicate much and saw each other rarely. I may have bitched and complained about him excessively on this blog, but in my day to day life, DA and I had very little contact. Despite the efforts of our mutual friends, we never found a comfortable space. After a very frustrating run of the Christmas fair, I decided that an extended period of absolutely no contact was best for everyone.
I met DA at the end of 2014. In the years we have known each other, 2019 is the the longest we've gone with zero contact. There was no social media connections, no texts, no e-mails, no in person run-ins. I called the moratorium on contact. DA absolutely respected my request. I ended the moratorium with a handwritten letter asking to meet once and see what was possible. I requested that we meet in person and that we avoid an extended e-mail exchange before hand. I just wanted a meeting that involved taking a walk and hanging out.
I imagine some of you are asking, "Why, Rachel, Why?" I am not going to justify, argue, defend or explain (Thank you Beth for sharing this with me). I made a choice and I am recording it here.
DA's reply was very enthusiastic. He told me how much he missed our friendship and how he hoped we could build something that would be beneficial for both of us. Then, in a very long e-mail, he stated rules about his current relationship. DA said (shared without permission) : "I can say with certainty from my side that our friendship needs to be peacefully coexist with my relationship with [current girlfriend]. I understand if this makes it untenable, but I cannot divide my life the way I did during my relationships with you and [other girlfriend].”
I don't have an issue with DA stating that actively sabotaging his current relationship is off the table. Given that I dealt with the same issue for the majority of my relationship with DA (thank you other girlfriend and "abusive" ex), I know how shitty it is.
But DA really overreached. I wasn't talking about a friendship, not yet. I was talking about getting together to see if there was any potential. DA was laying out rules for who are interactions would include and that as of our second meeting, his girlfriend had to feel welcome to join us.
In his defense, he was tried to walk things back, be open to my concerns and has made it very clear that he is willing to do the work to regain our friendship. While I know there is a lot of bad about him, but he was a close friend for a long time and I have missed the good parts of our friendship. I hoped that we could begin to rebuild something positive between us.
I didn't think that I would be able to build a friendship with DA and ignore the people he was involved with. However, given the reasons our relationship ended, I think he is being an inconsiderate ass with little regard for boundaries. Yes, I know that is a consistent problem. I didn't think he would magically fix everything. I just hoped that he would have gained at least a clue.
I guess I was expecting too much.
Today's song is because I couldn't find anything that really resonated for me. This seems apt enough.
Today's Song - Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
I was in so much pain last night that I couldn't imagine spending one more minute breathing. It wasn't the worst pain of my life. However, it was pain that would not stop. It would spike and come back down, but it was steady and it felt like it would never end. The pain was so bad that I started crying and I could not stop.
I apologized. I apologized to my husband for being in pain. I kept saying how sorry I was, like I had done something wrong by being in pain.
It's a long entry, but I went into this almost a year ago. I went into how frightened I was that I would be abandoned. No, strike that, I felt abandoned.
I feel like I have made so much progress since then. I got out of the destructive relationship I was in. I started working on my self and my self care. I went out of my way to improve what I could, and accept what I couldn't.
And one bad night, and all I could think of was how worthless I am, that if anyone knows how broken I am, they wouldn't stay. I felt like I was right back at square one.
Keto is not the most supportive person. As my housemate is fond of reminding me, I shouldn't expect more. Keto didn't got to 61 without a significant emotional relationship. He is a good friend, but no one has taught him how to be someone's rock. I would never expect more than what's he's done so far.
Rope Guy has dealt with loved ones who have chronic health issues, so he has been a champ. I have shared my concerns with him and he has addressed them with me. It doesn't fix things, but it allows me to at least ask for reassurance.
In fact, I have had a number of friends reach with everything from a "I have similar issues..." to "What can I do to help?"
I know that I am better off than I was this time last year. But I am still scared I will ask for help and be told that someone is more important than I am. That's a wound that goes very deep and I don't know how to cope with it, resolve it, or let it go.
Today's song isn't perfectly accurate, but man when you need some blues, there's no one better than Amy Winehouse for issues about feeling alone.
I have said "I lived forty four years without DA in my life. I can certainly live without him now. No one is irreplaceable." as a defense mechanism. I haven't just said that about DA. I have said it about friends, lovers, jobs, material things. Most importantly, I have said it about myself. I have always lived with the idea that absolutely nothing is permanent. There will always be a better option, a better job, or a better relationship. I have no faith that anyone is going to stay. I just try to make sure that I am ready and able to take care of myself when they inevitably leave.
I won't detail how the conversation came up, but a friend asked why I felt that I was replaceable. I was caught by surprise and it just popped out. "My Daddy replaced me when he married my step mom. He always cared for my step sister more than he did me. My first husband tried to forget we were ever married, much less had a child together. He wanted his second wife to be thought of as his only one and he expected me to leave my daughter's life and allow new wife to bond with her new mother. People are replaceable. I have known that for most of my life."
I am aware this isn't the healthiest attitude. In fact, it probably sets me up for some really bad self-fulfilling prophesies. Jack replaced me with his wife. DA replaced me with his girlfriend, etc.
"But Rachel," you might be saying, "What about your husband? He's been around for fifteen years. Surely you believe that he isn't going to replace you, right?"
I love Kenneth, I truly do. I also know that as much trouble as I cause him (and have caused) that I am better than the alternative. I think that if there was someone who was motivated enough to figure out how to attract Kenneth's attention, things between he and I would go pear shaped very quickly. However, this theoretical person would have to compete with Kenneth's job, his hobbies, and his comfort at being settled. It's not that I am irreplaceable in Kenneth's life. However finding a person who fills my spot wouldn't be easy. I think Kenneth would find getting a new person more trouble than it's worth. As long as that is true, I don't have to worry.
After no communication for the past five months, at my behest, I told DA if he wanted to contact me, he could. He responded positively. He asked if we could resume/rebuild our friendship. He also told me how he wants his current girlfriend to be included and to feel welcome, the same way that Kenneth and I made him feel. He said that he didn't handle things as well as he could have, but he would really like to be friends...no really. I do have to say, he has probably said more kind things to me in the past couple of e-mails than I have heard in the past year.
I said a lot to him in response, but here are the highlights: 'I don’t have anyone who will support me spending time with you or working on a friendship. [...]If I let anyone know that I was stupid enough to trust you again, I will get nothing but “I told you so.”
...There are many people who think I’m the bee’s knees, my friends don’t understand why I waste time with people who think I’m garbage and treated me worse than trash.'
Rope Guy, of all people, said that he thinks that DA came to understand that I am irreplaceable and far more important than DA realized. That is why DA has asked to reestablish our friendship. Thanks to the observations of someone who has the unenviable honor of knowing three of DA's exes, I had this to say to DA: "It seems to me that people don’t share your life, they become rivals in it and whomever wins gets to stay while the other loses everything that they shared with you."
The thing is, I could probably chalk the whole mess up to How I Met Your Mother mentality. I liked the show when it was on, but in retrospect, the women in Ted's life were just stepping stones to his final destination. The only woman he maintained a relationship with after they broke up was the woman he ended up with. It seems that women are expected to understand and forgive their exes (like Victoria in the show), but men can refer to the women who supported them as needy and clingy bitches and no one blinks an eye.
I always knew that DA and I weren't going to be romantic partners forever. In fact, I am surprised we went as long as we did. It was the friendship that I valued and wanted to keep. I believe that trying to keep our friendship was the reason I put up with as much crap as I did for as long as I did. DA didn't merely end our romantic relationship (technically I broke up with him), he obliterated our friendship in order to make a relationship with his girlfriend.
Now his girlfriend (supposedly) supports DA and I being friends, so it's all right. This is the same girlfriend who wouldn't let him talk to me (allegedly, DA denies that she ever held that sort of power in his life). Of course, if the girlfriend changes her mind and determines that I am a threat or whatever, experience tells me that I will be shown the door.
Because, unlike me, she is irreplaceable.
And if you didn't see today's song coming from a mile away, you aren't familiar with recent popular music.
