"And I can't keep holding on to what you've got, cause all you got is hurt.."

State of the Rachel

I am a very fortunate person. I have a career. I am not hurting financially. I have solid medical care and the money to pay for it. I live in a home I own with my husband. I drive a fairly new car. I have achieved nearly all of my goals and am in a position where my goals are no longer based around mere survival. I remember growing up without many of these things, and I try to be as thankful as I can that my life is not in that space.

Like everyone, I have a number of physical and emotional problems that I have to live with.

I have an autoimmune disorder, Hashimoto's Disease. I was diagnosed in 2007. It's not life threatening, but it does require maintenance on a daily basis. I believe the hardest part is knowing that a slow metabolism makes everything a little more challenging. A cut will heal slower, substances take longer to process through my body, and I will never be able to be as productive as some people. I get tired and once I hit a certain point, I simply crash.

I am a type 2 diabetic. Given that both of my parents were type 2 diabetics, I was not surprised. At the moment I am able to maintain my blood sugar levels through diet, exercise and medication. However, due to the Hashimoto's, insulin shots are a likely part of my future.

I have ADHD. I have a lot of trouble getting out of my head. The best way I have ever found to describe it was the way my friend Mark put it. I have incredible processing power, but no buffers. If I am waiting for a response to an e-mail,  I can think about fifteen ways I should have rewritten it, anticipate ten potential replies that I might receive and how I will respond to each of them. And I will still have 23 hours to wait before I can reasonably ask about when I might receive an e-mail in response. (I believe this is one of the reason's that characters like Quicksilver and the Flash appeal to me so much, they spend so much time just waiting for people to catch up.)

I also have a couple of learning disorders, most of which are due to the ADHD and lacking the ability to focus. A job, any job, is always a challenge for me to get done from point A to completion.

I live with chronic depression. In some ways, this is the most deadly of my problems. Despite the fact that my quality of life is fairly high and that none of my health issues are particularly serious, there are days when I do not see the point in living. My overall endocrine system is significantly compromised and so I will spend the rest of my life dealing with symptoms that will get worse and treatments that will be less effective. There are times when I wonder if life will be worth the bother. I hate those days.

I have TMJ. In the grand scheme of things, this has had the most significant impact. My problems started happening in January. I have been dealing with chronic pain of varying levels. Due to the Hashimoto's, pain relief has been difficult. I get nauseous with most pain killers. That changed my eating habits, since I was having trouble keeping food down and eating healthy became really hard.

Due to the nausea, I stopped taking my brain meds, because they cause or worsen nausea. Because of pain and nausea, I stopped taking the medications for my diabetes, because they also cause nausea, especially on an empty stomach. The only thing I have been taking is my thyroid medications.

My emotional health is completely ruined. Any benefit from my depression medication has cleared my system. The diabetes emotional glucose roller coaster is taking me for the mood swing ride. My ADHD is giving me the ability to dwell on these issues to the point of obsession. I am a mess.

I need to work on a lot of things and I feel very overwhelmed.

I have spent most of my life having problems and pretending that they don't exist. I try to hide them from other people and present as neurotypical. I can't anymore. I am lucky if I am able to hold things together. I can't do my job, my relationships are falling apart, and I just want to take substances that hold the pain at bay.

I am scared all the time. 

I am taking steps.

• I have kept my medical team updated and they are helping me.
• I finally have a mouth guard.
• My doctor found a muscle relaxant that does not make me sick to my stomach.
• I have consulted with an endocrinologist.
• I have let my psychiatrist know and we have made some adjustments to my medications while I get back on track.
• I am going to find a private therapist to see on a (hopefully) weekly basis during the summer.

I am not flailing and doing nothing. The first thing I am doing is telling the people in my life that I am not neurotypical. I can't pretend to be so right now.

Everything hurts and I feel so alone and I am scared if I tell anyone, they will abandon me. Well, I did tell someone and I feel like they did.