I am angry. I am writing about this now, because I don't want to reflect upon or consider or think. I am feeling the emotion and I supposed to.
After days, perhaps weeks of holding it in, the anger exploded in a flurry of words and epithets. I simply couldn't stop the rage.
I could tell you what made me angry, but it wouldn't make any sense. Even I know that my anger was misplaced. No one did anything wrong, no one said the wrong thing. But after holding my anger in for so long, after being quiet and silent for so long, I could no more stop my frustration from pouring out than I could prevent getting wet in the rain.
I don't know what to do about anger like this. I know it was wrong. I know it was misplaced. I know that I ruined a relationship by taking it out on someone else. I knew all of that and I did it anyway. I don't know that I have ever been so angry that I couldn't just stop.
I wish I could take back the words. I wish I weren't so angry. I believe my anger is justified. I believe that my anger has been put on hold for too long. But I am not sure what to do when I have to sit on my anger. I am not sure what to do when I have sat on it for so long that I can't control it.
I didn't do anything epically stupid. I didn't show up at someone's house or call them while they were out with their friends. I blew up someone's phone with texts, but I stopped within 15 minutes.
I am not enraged anymore. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sitting on my feelings and I don't know how to get rid of them. I don't know what to do. I just want to cry and yell and just beat on someone's chest until I don't feel this anymore. I am so tired of being a good girl and pretending that I am ok. I'm not ok.
I am not ok. I am angry. I am hurt. I am human. The person who set me off didn't deserve my rage, but I didn't lie, I didn't filter. I didn't care about their feelings. I wish texting those things had made me feel better, but I didn't feel heard, I made things worse and now I've screwed up a relationship, probably ruined it.
Fuck, tonight sucked and I have nothing to show for it, but empty words and a wall of unread texts.
Emotions suck.
Hmmmm, you have been under a lot of stress and have sleep issues - draining biochemical levels can cause spikes in anger (yeah, and me unable to find a my medical degree on this planet.) but you seem to be describing a common occurrence, especially when coupled to your difficulties over the past few months... :-(
ReplyDeleteEat right, get sleep, you know the drill.
But I don't know what to do for the ramifications of your anger - that is a lot more difficult to repair. I wish I could wave a wand to fix it, but I fear you just released a dark piece out of Pandora's box.
I am sorry that this happened and I'm not sure if my analysis is useful - I do care deeply for you and I do understand anger issues and their effects. But I just fear I'm not doing enough to help.