"I'm comin' up so you better you better get this party started..."

I didn't imagine that my last post would garner so much response. I was just ranting about my mother. I found it enlightening that people who have known me since high school and people whom I've only met once or twice had the same advice, to go on the trip.

I kept wanting to defend my mother, but I suppose that's natural.

I believe the most eye-opening moment was offline though. My husband has been wonderful. He called my uncle and spoke to him. He explained how upset I was and checked in to make sure that my uncle was not feeling pushed on my behalf. My uncle seemed more worried that I was taking the whole thing so poorly. He reassured us both that he would handle whatever comes up on Friday and that I should go to Disneyland and enjoy myself.

After that conversation my husband said, "I am sorry to say this, honey, but in all honesty I don't like your mother. She really rubs me the wrong way." Those of you who know my husband will understand this is a very big deal. He gets along with most people. Thankfully he really likes the rest of my family and they adore him.

At one time or another, both of my ex husbands told me that one of the biggest problems in our marriage was my mother. I have tried to take that to heart and have tried to keep my mother and my current husband from having to interact to often. As my children are adults, I no longer ask them to visit with my mother. I figure that they are responsible for the relationship they choose to have or not to have with her.

However this incident has given me pause for thought. I love my mother. I know that she is limited in how she interacts with the world due to her upbringing and is likely spectrum. I appreciate her intelligence and foresight and she does show that she loves me with gifts of things she makes.

I don't like my mother very much. She is everything that people have written and more. It's hard to see a relationship with a parent called toxic and know that you've been living with that all of your life and just assumed that's how it's supposed to be. I truly hope that I do better by my own children.

I am choosing not to contact my mother again before I leave for Disneyland. I can't see a positive outcome. I think that I might write her a letter when I get back and define some boundaries for both of us. I will need to give that some thought.

I really can't say how much I appreciate the outpouring of love and support that I received. While I know I don't need approval, it really helped me to see how deeply I was in denial when not one person suggested that I should cancel my trip. As an only child, I often feel like I am solely responsible for my mother's well being. It simply didn't occur to me that I could say, "Mom you will have to ask one of your brothers or a friend to go with you on Friday. I am celebrating my birthday with friends."

My mother taught me many things, but she never demonstrated that I could tell her no.

So, I am off to Disneyland and I am not going to answer my mother if she calls. So today I am going to leave you all with one of my favorite songs for getting ready to go out.

"You'll be in my heart...

I am planning to go to Disneyland with some friends. People took time off from work, hotel arrangements were made. The plan is to leave on Wednesday. I am going for my birthday and I have been really excited. It's the only "vacation" I have planned for this summer. (There was supposed to be a camping trip, but that got complicated.)

My mother called today. The two men who broke into her house on appearing in court this Friday. I am sure she told me about it, but for the life of me, I don't remember. I didn't put it on my calendar. When I told her that the trip was planned and that people had taken time off from work, she went ballistic. I had to get off the phone with her before things escalated.

I feel like shit. I don't want to cancel my trip, but I also have no interest in going to court with my mother. I know I might sound heartless, but my husband and I took time off from work. We helped her file paperwork, retrieve her car after it was released by the police and did a number of other things following the robbery. I don't believe she is testifying. I am also angry. As my housemate noted, my mother has made choices and they have consequences. She is choosing to live in an unsafe neighborhood. My family and I have encouraged her to move and have offered to help. She refuses to give up her house and she insists on living alone.

I called my uncle (my mother's brother). He believes that this is just the court determining whether or not the two assailants will be tried as adults or juveniles. (They were about 16 when they committed the crime.) This is important, but it's probably 15-20 minutes of court time, if that.

My mother was down last week and she never mentioned that she would see me on my birthday. This is the first time she's mentioned it in months. My uncle noted that when he spoke to my mother, she said it wasn't a big deal and that she would have a victim's advocate go with her, just in case but neither my uncle nor I were expected to accompany her. My mother told me that she assured my uncle that I was going.

That was not the story today. I got an earful that started with "how dare I" and went downhill from there.

I straight up asked my uncle what he thought I should do. His advice was to keep the trip. It's not a trial. If it was that important, my mother could have said something in the past two weeks. It's not fair to my friends who already made the arrangements. Most importantly, he said that should my mother need someone, he'd be willing to go.

I still feel like a bad daughter. I still feel like I should have remembered. I feel guilty for thinking about going when I think I should be a dutiful daughter.

I e-mailed my Disney compatriots and asked if there is any flexibility on our travel dates. I am not looking forward to telling my mother that I'm not going to change my plans for her. I feel awful for asking my friends if they can be flexible.

Can I just bury my head in the sand?

I can't think of a song that reminds me of my mother. She isn't a very supportive of understanding person. I suppose that's one of the reasons that I am not terribly inclined to do give up my trip. So I went with a Disney song that's at least vaguely appropriate.

"Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me..."

I am a strong, independent woman. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan etc. However, advocating for myself is really difficult. I am old enough to have learned that women are not supposed to make a lot of noise about what they need, much less what they want.

I just want to be taken care of, sometimes. Not all the time, I like being a strong and independent woman. But sometimes I just want to take a day off from should do, ought to, duty and obligation.

My husband told me last night that he will probably have to spend the weekend at work because of some big project. I knew that it was possible. One of the reasons I scheduled a girl's trip over my birthday weekend is because my husband gave me warning that the end of July would be busy. I am sure if I reminded him that my birthday is in less than a week and I won't be home on my actual birthday, so maybe he should plan to take me to dinner or something, he would. I don't want to remind my husband. I don't want to have to pick a place. I don't want to have to plan. I just want him to say, "Honey, it's your birthday, I am taking you to dinner."

There is a dance event tonight that I really want to attend. I am perfectly able to go alone. But it would be nice if my husband (or someone else) would say to themselves. "Hmm, Rachel wants to go to this event because it has a theme that she loves. I am going to be missing her birthday. I will invite her to go."

I didn't get that. I got, "Social dancing is hard for me, add to that getting down there, but if would be nice to dance with you, so if you'd like the company, I'll happily come down." (posted without permission)

Here is my problem, it's that first clause. I didn't see anything past it. All I saw was the no. Because I can't just go to the dance, now I have to worry about my companion being tired from the long drive and not feeling comfortable because that was the first thing they told me.

I get to a point where I just don't want to bother. I want to attend an event with someone and just enjoy it. I am willing to take myself places by myself. I don't like it, but I am getting better about it. However I get to a certain point where I simply can't anymore. The social anxiety and depression become too big and I just stop. I don't reach out, I don't ask and I don't advocate for myself. If someone tells me the reasons they don't really want to go, I am not going to impose on them. I will just tell them "I appreciate your offer, but it's ok, really."

I believe I should be able to think, This is the weekend before my birthday. I won't be home on my birthday, so either we do something this weekend, or it won't be until well after my birthday that we can celebrate. I want the people in my life to ask me what I would like to do and simply answer, "Yes, and...". I don't want to have to deal with people spending weekends at work, starting a yes answer with all the reasons it's actually a no answer or having to think at all. I just, for once, want to be able to enjoy something without having to arrange, stipulate, advocate, or otherwise take on emotional labor to make it happen. But that isn't the world I grew up in and it's hard for me to believe that what I am asking for is anything useful. Instead I just pull back into myself so at least I won't be disappointed.

I have no idea what I am going to do this weekend. I had plans with people, but I got in my own way. I can go to all the things by myself, but while I am a strong and independent woman, I don't think I have it in me to go out alone. I have the feeling that it will be easier to just stay home. If am going to be miserable, at least I don't have to impose it on anyone else. (Yes, I know what I should do is reach out to my friends and ask, arrange and figure out people to do things with, thank you I realize that.)

But Green Day says it better than I do. I just feel too alone these days.

..."esta indecision me molesta..."

I can't sleep.

I told a new acquaintance today that I have reached the point where I have to fish or cut bait on a relationship. I think its the first time I have articulated the issue so simply. I wish an answer were just as simple.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know who to ask.

I know I need to make a choice and stick to it. All of my vacillating is hurting the other person as much as it hurts me.

I am afraid that I will make the wrong choice. I am afraid that I am perceiving everything in the most negative way possible. I am afraid that I will regret if I choose to end the relationship. I worry that I'll feel stupid that I didn't give up sooner.

I feel like no matter how much I do for the person and how carefully I listen, it's never enough. They said, "I feel like you usually take the dominant role in arguments and I get pretty submissive, at least lately. That gives you a lot of power over me in addition to the pain we are each already experiencing. I know it isn't something you want or are trying to wield, I'm just telling you how it feels from my end." (quoted without permission)

It seems like this is just another way of telling me I'm too intense. I feel like this person is blind to how much effort I have put into hearing their concerns and the amount of time I've spent paying attention to their emotions. I am not giving the whole quote or the entire context of our discussions. I am only including the part that I think was relevant. I am aware that I am probably cherry picking. However including the entire quote and all the surrounding context made for a dreadfully long entry.

In lieu of a trying to give the full context, I will let Zorah Neale Hurston say it better than I can: "If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding."

If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/z/zoranealeh403813.html?src=t_misunderstanding

If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding. Zora Neale Hurston
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/z/zoranealeh403813.html?src=t_misunderstanding

If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding. Zora Neale Hurston
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/z/zoranealeh403813.html?src=t_misunderstanding

I know I am intense. I am in therapy, I am working on being a better friend to myself and others. I am working on accepting myself. Part of that acceptance is to realize that there are people who will find me overwhelming. I figure that there are three possible outcomes when someone realizes that I'm usually turned up to 11:

1. People will decide to work to compromise and adapt because I am worth having in a relationship.
2. People will find that they can only take me in small doses, so there will have to be significant restrictions on our interactions. 
3. They won't adapt or compromise and there will no longer be a relationship between us. 

I need to be able to accept any of those scenarios and quit apologizing for who and what I am. I will not be everyone's cup of tea. In the case of this relationship, I don't see a better option than #3 in the short term. Perhaps this person and I can work up to #2 after some time has passed.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I guess I will wait until I see my therapist before making a final decision. However, thinking about spending another session on this relationship is making me feel panicky and that's probably meaningful. I suppose the fact that it's 4 in the morning and I haven't slept yet is also significant and impacting my mood. I guess I will hope that writing this out will allow me some sleep. 

Regardless, the song choice is pretty obvious.

Intensity

"You're just so intense."

"You're so ovwrwhelming."

"You have a lot of personality."

"You command a room when you walk in."

"I like you, but you're just too much at times."

"You are like a good chocolate cake, wonderful and rich and best in small portions."

"You come across so confident and in control and then retreat into yourself. It makes you difficult to understand."

Those are all things people I've been friends with and/or dated have told me. I understand, I'm just turned up to 11, all the time. I have no idea how to scale myself back without completely pulling in. I feel like I have two settings, 11 or 0.

I envy my daughter at times. I believe she's similar and she seems to accept that's she is always at 11 and doesn't care what other people think. (I'm also very proud of her.)

There is one person who could take my 11 most of the time. No matter what I threw at them, they would smile encouragingly and just say, "More." There were other reasons we weren't a long term match, but I've never forgotten what it felt like to feel so accepted.

I've met few people that I would even expect to take me on most of the time. I thought I was good st spreading my intensity across my social spheres. I realized last night that I'm just holding back and the floodgates are uncontrolled. Its better when I'm in the classroom, I have 165 people to soak my intensity. During the summer, its harder to channel.

I wish I could find that acceptance again. I wish I had appreciated it when I had it.

No song today, I typed this on my phone.

"If I could turn back time..."

The way that I am planning my curriculum this year is through backward planning. For example, I know that the AP Psychology test is on May 7th. I want two weeks before the test for the students to review. This means that my last unit test has to be on April 20th. I have a schedule for how many days to spend on each unit. Ideally I will be able to fit in all 14 units without fudging and stick to 4/20/18 as my final unit test.

I have never sat down before and scheduled out my whole year. For the past two years I have stuck to the AP Psych schedule and managed to make most of the milestone dates. However it is an imperfect system, since there was no wiggle room for things like taking a month away from work. Last year taught me how important backward planning could be. Now that I have The Book all ready, it's time to fill it in and start figuring out what I plan to be doing each day.

This is very different than how I approach my life and my schedule. I consider myself to be very impulsive. I love just jumping into things and seeing what works and learning from what doesn't. I have had some wonderful adventures this way. I also have many regrets. There are many things I wish I had done differently.

Backwards planning for a school year is reasonable. I know how many days I am teaching, what I plan to teach and how. I just have to map it out by units, weeks and days. It is a lot harder in life. I don't know what my last day on earth is. I have to figure it out as I go. But I have been trying to get better about scheduling things in advance.

What I am not so good at is letting things go. I never would have called myself a perfectionist, but I want my teaching to be a very certain way. I want my handouts to be a certain format, my notes to be presented clearly and I want to make sure that I review everything. I am not as exacting with my students, (though I should give them some better structure). I have learned that I cannot maintain my own standards and get through all the grading, all of the paperwork and still be a good teacher. I have to let somethings go.

This year  I am going to try and use my summer to have my year mapped out. I am going to backward plan all of my classes. However, I am doing it all in pencil, because things will change and I will be flexible. I also will not regret what I haven't done. I will simply learn and move forward.

You know, like it's that easy.

Well at least today's song was a no brainer.

"You'll get the message by the time I'm through..."

One of the things I have incorporated into my teaching is a series called the "Story of Stuff". I want to create a new environmental unit for all of my history classes and incorporate a lot of what is used. I don't want the kids to accept it all blindly, but I want them to question the accuracy and the veracity of what is proposed and discuss how to best build these changes into the United States.

One thing I want them to understand is externalized cost.

I don't want my students to understand it merely from a business perspective or even from an environmental one. I want them to understand it from a sense of personal responsibility. I believe that many people tend to externalize their emotional costs on to other people and do not realize what they are inflicting. If people do not see their trash, they are less likely to claim responsibility for it. I think that the same is true of emotion.

I know that I do this. I don't tell someone when I feel they have hurt me. I hide it. I wrap it up in neat packages and never tell them about it. I blame them for my hurt. I let it stew. Instead of letting them see the garbage when it is fresh and not terribly disgusting, I wait until its smelly and disgusting.  Who wants to deal with it then? 

I think that people in America treat their emotional crap a lot like they do their garbage. They throw it away, ignore it and leave it for someone else to clean up. We hire professionals (therapists) and we have all sorts of tools (medication, self-help books, etc.) But I believe one of the big problems is that we have this idea that we aren't supposed to share our problems with others and so we don't. We just let them get nasty, smelly and too much for us to handle without professional help.

I know that I do this. I know that I also end up taking on people's emotional crap. (I talked about this in a prior entry.) I deal with the smelly stuff. I pride myself on being good at it. While I am not a therapist (nor do I play one on TV) as a teacher, I spend much of my time playing counselor to my students. I see what their families, their friends, their love interests and whatever else have done to them.

Prior to teaching, I did this with my friends. I feel like I ask a great deal of people. I figure that helping them deal with their emotional trash is something I can offer. I usually don't resent it or regret it.

I may not resent it, but I am starting to regret it. I helped a friend earlier this week. We had discussed that I needed help from them, because they were someone who was a person who would help me with my emotional crap. They aren't in a position to do so anymore. Spending time with them is costly and I am having trouble compensating.

I tried to explain that to them. I tried to say, "I understand that you have to deal with your stuff, but I can't deal with you then. I can't spend time with you until we deal with mine." I didn't say that, what resulted was a fight in which a lot of their crap and mine combined into a great smelly mess.

I have stuff to accomplish today and this weekend. i can't externalize the cost to anyone else. I have to figure it out myself. I am not sure what to do about the great smelly mess. Mostly, I decided to just shove it aside and not look at it like so much garbage.

Today's song choice was obvious, as was the artist.

"Makes me work a little bit harder"

My blog might be a bit boring for a while. I am going to try and talk about how I am moving forward. What I am doing might be painful, but I am pretty sure that it's the right thing to do. If anything, I wish I had done this months ago. Regardless, there is a reason why the windshield is larger than the rear-view mirror (or so Spotify tells me).

Today is my first day back at work. Welcome to being a teacher. I took my vacation, and now the work of the summer begins. The easy part is simply setting up The Book. What is The Book? That is the calendar for the whole year, my lesson plan, and what will be my attendance record and grade record. It is probably the most important tool I use. In the past, I tried doing it with my computer, but as I go into my eighth year of teaching, I am finding that it is better if I use a traditional method and write it all out.

The first thing is just getting the school calendar all entered and then using the calendar to build the curriculum for three different preps (classes that I teach). My three scheduled preps are AP Psychology, College Preparatory US History and World History for English Language Learners. I have taught all three before, but this is my first time teaching World History for students who will need a far more visual form of teaching than I have done in the past.

While I have many approaches to my pedagogy and my curriculum choices, if there was one major theme to my teaching, it is to try and make the subject matter relevant to my students.

While I was paging through Facebook today, I found an article about the 11 Habits of People with Concealed Depression. Depression is an important subject in my school. My students are some of the highest achieving in the country (we usually have close to 100 National Merit Semi-Finalists, over 80% will attend a four-year college out of high school, and 94% will take at least one AP test before they graduate.) These kids are stressed and many are challenged with depression. We had a student take her own life last year and have had a number of other students who were in treatment after attempts, so the entire staff has all been made very aware that we need to address stress and depression in our curriculum, especially those of us who teach psychology.

I don't actually discuss depression and anxiety in detail until Unit 12 (of 14), so I want to bring discussions about stress and depression from the beginning. I think I am going to use depression as a way to normalize psychological treatment and professions, which is in Unit 1 and 2. I took the list and modified it for my lecture. 

#1 - Many students who are depressed constantly make efforts to appear fine, and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.

This is one of the problems with the students, they think that their friends are fine. The friend seems ok. They go through the emotions, they talk in class, they don't walk around in same clothes or the other things that popular media shows to indicate that a character is depressed.

Therapists and counselors have to look past the masks and see the feelings underneath. What can make this difficult for professionals is that even though they know they need treatment, depressed people will deny that they need help or have excuses as to why they haven't gotten help.

#2 - Many students who are depressed may have habitual remedies.

Students (and honestly people in general) don't usually get to the state where they are lying in bed and doing nothing day after day. It's not that it doesn't happen, but students especially, as well as people with roommates, siblings, or other people who live with them are more likely to hide their depression.

They may do this with self-medication (alcohol, pot, or other substances). They also might engage in soothing behaviors like repetitive crafts, playing video games, writing, exercise, or just taking long walks. The key is for therapists and counselors to watch for behaviors that are engaged in to distract, not produce (although in the case of knitting or other crafts, something will be made, but there will be little variety and the person will become rather obsessed.)

#3 - Many students who are depressed may have trouble with abandonment.

Depression often comes from fear. One of the big fears of the students is that they don't have any friends. They are often feeling alienated from their families while dealing with friendships and romantic relationships that are incredibly intense.

 Therapists and counselors are working with people are often worried about getting help. There is stigma with treatment, but treatment means forging a rapport with a stranger while dealing with the fear that the depressed person may build the trust, only to lose it.

Etc.

There are eight more, but that's the idea I am going with. I figure I will get some appropriate gifs, some you tube videos and come up with a writing prompt and turn it into one of my first presentations during the year.

That's how my first day back at work went.

Spotify even gave me a song to incorporate into the lecture. Hopefully it isn't too dated.

The waiting is the hardest part...

I know that I need to take care of myself. I know I need to not reach out.

I wish it weren't so challenging. I know I won't find the right words. I know I can't fix anything.

I wish that someone would reach out to me. I wish they would find the right words. I wish they would try to fix things.

I wish I didn't feel so powerless and alone.

"For deep in my heart I know there is no help I can bring..."

I am awake at 4 in the morning again. I wish this was unusual, but it's been happening quite a lot recently. I think I know why. I'll get to that.

I was talking to a friend today and the gist of what I told them was that we are humans, we have emotions and it is all right to share them. It is even all right to share the negative ones, because that's what makes sharing the positive ones all the more powerful. The caveat being that there has to be positive emotions to share.

Talking to this friend is always a good thing for me. They really help me clarify my thoughts and feelings about people and events going on in my life. So I spoke to them about how I am feeling and thinking about a lot of things in my life.

Shy Bloke, the guy I was out with on Thursday, when I wanted to leave early, I figured what I want to do about that. I am going to let it sit for a couple of days. I am not sure if I want to pursue a friendship or not. He's a nice person, but due to his social awkwardness, spending time with him takes a lot of work. It's rewarding, but I am not sure that I want to take on a project friendship. I realized that I am not obligated to be his friend just because I know how to deal with him.

That might seem really obvious, but I like to help people and it doesn't often occur to me that I don't have to. I think it's a family trait, getting involved in peoples' lives and trying to be of assistance. My grandmother was a social worker and I can't recall when there wasn't someone calling her for help, advice, or assistance. She always knew the agency to call or the place a person could go. In retrospect, I realize that my grandmother neglected her own family at times; she really had trouble saying no to people. (There was a family policy that Grandma wasn't allowed to answer the phone during dinner time because we all got tired of her spending an entire meal talking to someone while we were visiting.)

The reason I have to consider whether or not to continue to engage with Shy Bloke is because I need to disengage with another person in my life whom I consider a very close friend. I realized over the past few days (with the help of the friend I spent today with) that I simply cannot help them. I want to, I have tried, but they are beyond my ability to assist and it's draining me and taking away resources from others in my life. I sent the person a note (a hand written one, because it seemed appropriate given what I said about communicating in person or with quill and paper).  I let them know that I will help them choose a therapist, provided they want my advice. It is the only help I can offer them right now.  While I am not an expert, I have my own experience in choosing psychological care and as someone who teaches psychology, I am rather familiar with the various approaches and can help this person choose a therapist based on more than location.

I realized today that if they don't choose to pursue some sort of therapy, I can't keep this friend in my life. I did not say this in my note, or at least I didn't it state it outright, although I implied it. I will still care about them, but I have to care about myself and that means that I have to stop getting involved until they do something for themselves. I know that therapy (or even psychotropics) isn't a magical solution. However it would be a step in a more positive direction. I am of the opinion that until they take that step, I have to maintain my distance.

 I am trying to decide if I should share this decision with their partner. She does not really care for me and the feeling is somewhat mutual. I feel like I should tell her, out of fairness. I just can't see a way to tell her that doesn't come across as me suggesting that I am taking some sort of moral high ground and delivering an ultimatum. I suppose that is because I am taking a moral high ground and I am delivering an ultimatum. However I am not doing it because of my friend, I am doing it because of me. Over the last X number of times we have interacted whether on the phone, in person, or via text/e-mail, I have ended up drained and upset. I have been trying to help them and be understanding and I realized that while their heart is in the right place, they simply cannot be my friend right now.

I suppose if I tell their partner that I don't feel they can be a friend, I am suggesting that they aren't being a very good partner and that feels wrong to me. I don't know if they are a good partner, I only know that I feel that they have been a crappy friend. I discussed it with my therapist and she noted that while this person has been important in my life for quite a while, I could not identify many recent positive interactions. There were a large number of negatives interactions that have been causing me pain. I realized I needed to take my own advice. Sharing negative emotions is acceptable, but only if there are positive ones too.

My friend has apologized every time these negative interactions happened, but they keep happening. Without change, apologies become meaningless. I know my friend has tried to make things better, but I think they need more help than either their partner or I can give them. I can't keep getting hit with the emotional backlash, so I feel that I have to disengage.  While my friend isn't the only reason I have been waking up at 4am so frequently, I think they are one of the reasons that I have trouble getting back to sleep. Concern and worry for them and about our friendship has caused a lot of sleeplessness.

I was convinced a few hours ago that I should write to my friend's partner and let them know my decision. Now I am not so sure. I can't imagine a way it would be well received and given the partner's disdain for me, I doubt they would care about my choice, in fact they will probably be relieved that they no longer have to deal with me, even peripherally. Telling them just seems like the fair thing to do.

Perhaps I will let them know my choice and invite them to ask me questions if they feel the need.  Maybe I'll just try saying nothing and just leave it at that.

It's hard to walk away from a friendship. I do it rarely. I hope that this is a temporary stay. I really do, but something has to change and if my friend can't make change happen, then I have to draw a boundary.

"It's like I got this music in my mind/Saying it's gonna be alright..."

I know I have been whining and moaning a lot. (I know, I know, it's my blog, I can cry if I want to.)

I haven't decided what to do about my date from last night. I knew it going in; he lacks many social graces. I don't believe that he was trying to be an asshole. We saw Spider-Man and it was fun. He would make a fine friend. Honestly I think he would be a better friend than anything else. Yesterday just wasn't the day to get a rejection.

What I have decided to do is just to shake it off. (Yes, I am going to use that stupid Taylor Swift song today.)

I was unable to put a group together for this weekend's great garage purge. There were family obligations and other things that came up for me and mine. That is for the best, I was able to reschedule the garbage skip so it won't be here while the county is doing road work. I don't mind putting things off until next weekend. If you are local and have nothing better to do, ping me and I will happily share information with you. I am offering food, beverages, and first pass at anything I am getting rid of. Oh, and I have a pool, so there will be swimming!

I am going to work on being more positive. I am not sure, exactly, how one does that. But I am going to try. I have my Mind over Mood book to go back to. I don't promise that I will be more positive here, but I am going to try to look on the bright side of life (cue the whistling.)

I also took the advice of my friends who were supportive yesterday. I bought myself a couple of food treats. I bought a Harry Potter coloring book which works out well, since I am rereading the series this summer. I just finished Sorcerer's Stone and I am starting in on Chamber of Secrets. I have the illustrated versions of the first two which are gorgeous!

I can't even complain too much on the dating scene. I was invited to lunch next week and another person has a STI status similar to my own and has expressed interest.

Is everything rosy? No, but if I look at the big picture, my life is pretty damn sweet. I just need to focus on the positive and shake off the rest.

love sucks

I need the universe to just lay the fuck off of me. I got dumped yesterday. (Or I dumped myself, not sure about which).

Today I went on a third date. I'm actually on the third date. I'm trying not to break down. Third date is aware of my HSV status. He informed me (over dinner no less) that he's uncomfortable with my STI status, but we can be friends.

This is a perfectly reasonable opinion, but I wish I hadn't bothered to go on the date. I wish I could go home.

"Too bad I'm losing a friend..."

I've written about my mother before. My mother is a difficult woman. What I don't always recognize is how deeply it affects me and how much I need to decompress from our visits before I engage with other people.

My mother and I went to the Cal Academy of Sciences yesterday. We had been before, but with my children. This time it was the two of us. Honestly, it was a good day with my mother, it wasn't an easy one and my patience was pretty thin by the end of the day.

• We went to the cafeteria for lunch when we arrived. My mother, who was not paying, complained about how expensive everything was. It's not like there is a selection of nearby restaurants and I chose the most expensive one. It was the only one there and it was after 1pm. 
• My mom saw an Asian woman and her young children in the elevator. While we were waiting in the bathroom, she talked about how they were likely my future students. (I am not sure if I can communicate how racist she sounded to me.)
• One of the museum exhibitors asked us to look at a display. My mother proceeded to talk the poor woman's ear off.  (I just walked to another display, the exhibitor seemed able to deal with my mother.)
• While in the museum, my mother told me about a recent conversation with my daughter, revealing rather intimate details. (It wasn't that I didn't know any of what my mother was telling me, but I didn't want to have the conversation in public.)
• My mother wanted to go to the Japanese Tea Garden and couldn't understand why I couldn't find it. (If she had told me ahead of time I would have made sure to know where to go, but finding it on my phone at the end of a long day just didn't work.)
• My mom wanted a coffee and a snack. She expressed no preference, so we stopped at a Peet's. She declared, rather loudly, that Starbuck's made a much better latte and the one I had bought her was too bitter.
• We went to dinner and agreed to share a chocolate shake. My mother complained that it wasn't a "proper chocolate shake" because they didn't use chocolate ice cream and that split in half, it wasn't very big (which was the damn idea). 
• When we got to the house, my mother didn't understand that I had to take care of the dogs and couldn't find a brush for the cat, a bottle of water or make my son magically appear.
• My mother asked for a bottle of water (even after I said we don't have any) because my water is too salty.
• It was after 9pm and I had to tell my mother that it was time to go home, repeatedly.

What my mother didn't do once all day long? She never thanked me. My mother always makes me feel very powerless. I don't know how to take things back when I am with her. 

I wish I could say that this is unusual behavior for my mother. It isn't. This is exactly why my children and I don't particularly enjoy her company. I know I also tend to get into this negative mindset and do the same thing and I hate it when I catch myself at it. I feel so ungrateful and ashamed.

After a long visit with my mother, it is very difficult for me not to be in a negative space. If, for some reason, I start the day in a bad place, it just makes things worse. I need a lot of TLC before and after a visit with her. If I don't get it, all of my negative emotions suck me into really bad places.

Yesterday started poorly. I felt forgotten and ignored. So while it might have been a typical day, it felt like my mother was spectacularly selfish. The people in my life that I tend to rely on to help me get through a day like yesterday were, for various reasons, not available.

Yesterday did not go well. Last night went even worse. I texted with someone when I should have known better. I thought they would understand, I had told them I was with my mother. They didn't. Things went south very quickly. I have the feeling that I have lost a friend.

I woke up today exhausted and feeling like shit. I can apologize to the person with whom I was texting, but "I'm sorry I was a bitchy asshole, but my mother was visiting." rings rather hollow. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, it wasn't that I didn't say anything I didn't mean; but without filters, what I said came out much nastier than it would otherwise. I did mean what I said, I just didn't say it very nicely. So the friend doesn't have much reason to be understanding, because they know I meant what I said.

I wish I had some pithy and useful thing to say, but I don't. Yesterday just sucked all around and I guess I will just live with the consequences, because I don't feel like there is anything else I can do. I still feel powerless and it's a rotten feeling.

"Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare."

What is the difference between standing up for yourself and being adversarial? I have been told by so many people I should just ask for what I want. I should communicate my wants and desires. Hell, I've written about it recently.

Guess what, telling people what I want is a good way to get screwed over.

I say: I want to be treated like I matter.
They say: you are always fighting with me.

I say: I expect my time to be respected.
They say: Why are you so inflexible?

I say: I want to give as good as I get
They say: All you ever want is sex.

I say: I'd like to focus on my concerns. I'd like to feel like you care.
They say: Well why didn't you talk about your problems?

I say: You fall asleep when I try to talk to you.
They say: That's because something is wrong. Why don't you listen to me when I tell you?

I say: Text messaging is a bad way to discuss this.
They say: Well, its not a problem for anyone else. You're just too negative.

I say: I'd appreciate it if you'd ask to spend time with me, then I could tell you about my problems.
They say: I'm sorry I ignore you. (Nothing changes)

I say: I'm having problems and nothing is getting better. I am starting to think you want me to leave.
They say: I'm sorry there isn't any other option.

I can communicate what I want until I'm blue in the face and cows drive tractors home. It doesn't get me what I want. Because I do it via text message and I get dumped, every fucking time. I think my uncle was right. From now on, in person or with quill and parchment.