"Too bad I'm losing a friend..."

I've written about my mother before. My mother is a difficult woman. What I don't always recognize is how deeply it affects me and how much I need to decompress from our visits before I engage with other people.

My mother and I went to the Cal Academy of Sciences yesterday. We had been before, but with my children. This time it was the two of us. Honestly, it was a good day with my mother, it wasn't an easy one and my patience was pretty thin by the end of the day.

• We went to the cafeteria for lunch when we arrived. My mother, who was not paying, complained about how expensive everything was. It's not like there is a selection of nearby restaurants and I chose the most expensive one. It was the only one there and it was after 1pm. 
• My mom saw an Asian woman and her young children in the elevator. While we were waiting in the bathroom, she talked about how they were likely my future students. (I am not sure if I can communicate how racist she sounded to me.)
• One of the museum exhibitors asked us to look at a display. My mother proceeded to talk the poor woman's ear off.  (I just walked to another display, the exhibitor seemed able to deal with my mother.)
• While in the museum, my mother told me about a recent conversation with my daughter, revealing rather intimate details. (It wasn't that I didn't know any of what my mother was telling me, but I didn't want to have the conversation in public.)
• My mother wanted to go to the Japanese Tea Garden and couldn't understand why I couldn't find it. (If she had told me ahead of time I would have made sure to know where to go, but finding it on my phone at the end of a long day just didn't work.)
• My mom wanted a coffee and a snack. She expressed no preference, so we stopped at a Peet's. She declared, rather loudly, that Starbuck's made a much better latte and the one I had bought her was too bitter.
• We went to dinner and agreed to share a chocolate shake. My mother complained that it wasn't a "proper chocolate shake" because they didn't use chocolate ice cream and that split in half, it wasn't very big (which was the damn idea). 
• When we got to the house, my mother didn't understand that I had to take care of the dogs and couldn't find a brush for the cat, a bottle of water or make my son magically appear.
• My mother asked for a bottle of water (even after I said we don't have any) because my water is too salty.
• It was after 9pm and I had to tell my mother that it was time to go home, repeatedly.

What my mother didn't do once all day long? She never thanked me. My mother always makes me feel very powerless. I don't know how to take things back when I am with her. 

I wish I could say that this is unusual behavior for my mother. It isn't. This is exactly why my children and I don't particularly enjoy her company. I know I also tend to get into this negative mindset and do the same thing and I hate it when I catch myself at it. I feel so ungrateful and ashamed.

After a long visit with my mother, it is very difficult for me not to be in a negative space. If, for some reason, I start the day in a bad place, it just makes things worse. I need a lot of TLC before and after a visit with her. If I don't get it, all of my negative emotions suck me into really bad places.

Yesterday started poorly. I felt forgotten and ignored. So while it might have been a typical day, it felt like my mother was spectacularly selfish. The people in my life that I tend to rely on to help me get through a day like yesterday were, for various reasons, not available.

Yesterday did not go well. Last night went even worse. I texted with someone when I should have known better. I thought they would understand, I had told them I was with my mother. They didn't. Things went south very quickly. I have the feeling that I have lost a friend.

I woke up today exhausted and feeling like shit. I can apologize to the person with whom I was texting, but "I'm sorry I was a bitchy asshole, but my mother was visiting." rings rather hollow. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, it wasn't that I didn't say anything I didn't mean; but without filters, what I said came out much nastier than it would otherwise. I did mean what I said, I just didn't say it very nicely. So the friend doesn't have much reason to be understanding, because they know I meant what I said.

I wish I had some pithy and useful thing to say, but I don't. Yesterday just sucked all around and I guess I will just live with the consequences, because I don't feel like there is anything else I can do. I still feel powerless and it's a rotten feeling.