Intensity

"You're just so intense."

"You're so ovwrwhelming."

"You have a lot of personality."

"You command a room when you walk in."

"I like you, but you're just too much at times."

"You are like a good chocolate cake, wonderful and rich and best in small portions."

"You come across so confident and in control and then retreat into yourself. It makes you difficult to understand."

Those are all things people I've been friends with and/or dated have told me. I understand, I'm just turned up to 11, all the time. I have no idea how to scale myself back without completely pulling in. I feel like I have two settings, 11 or 0.

I envy my daughter at times. I believe she's similar and she seems to accept that's she is always at 11 and doesn't care what other people think. (I'm also very proud of her.)

There is one person who could take my 11 most of the time. No matter what I threw at them, they would smile encouragingly and just say, "More." There were other reasons we weren't a long term match, but I've never forgotten what it felt like to feel so accepted.

I've met few people that I would even expect to take me on most of the time. I thought I was good st spreading my intensity across my social spheres. I realized last night that I'm just holding back and the floodgates are uncontrolled. Its better when I'm in the classroom, I have 165 people to soak my intensity. During the summer, its harder to channel.

I wish I could find that acceptance again. I wish I had appreciated it when I had it.

No song today, I typed this on my phone.