"Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me..."

I am a strong, independent woman. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan etc. However, advocating for myself is really difficult. I am old enough to have learned that women are not supposed to make a lot of noise about what they need, much less what they want.

I just want to be taken care of, sometimes. Not all the time, I like being a strong and independent woman. But sometimes I just want to take a day off from should do, ought to, duty and obligation.

My husband told me last night that he will probably have to spend the weekend at work because of some big project. I knew that it was possible. One of the reasons I scheduled a girl's trip over my birthday weekend is because my husband gave me warning that the end of July would be busy. I am sure if I reminded him that my birthday is in less than a week and I won't be home on my actual birthday, so maybe he should plan to take me to dinner or something, he would. I don't want to remind my husband. I don't want to have to pick a place. I don't want to have to plan. I just want him to say, "Honey, it's your birthday, I am taking you to dinner."

There is a dance event tonight that I really want to attend. I am perfectly able to go alone. But it would be nice if my husband (or someone else) would say to themselves. "Hmm, Rachel wants to go to this event because it has a theme that she loves. I am going to be missing her birthday. I will invite her to go."

I didn't get that. I got, "Social dancing is hard for me, add to that getting down there, but if would be nice to dance with you, so if you'd like the company, I'll happily come down." (posted without permission)

Here is my problem, it's that first clause. I didn't see anything past it. All I saw was the no. Because I can't just go to the dance, now I have to worry about my companion being tired from the long drive and not feeling comfortable because that was the first thing they told me.

I get to a point where I just don't want to bother. I want to attend an event with someone and just enjoy it. I am willing to take myself places by myself. I don't like it, but I am getting better about it. However I get to a certain point where I simply can't anymore. The social anxiety and depression become too big and I just stop. I don't reach out, I don't ask and I don't advocate for myself. If someone tells me the reasons they don't really want to go, I am not going to impose on them. I will just tell them "I appreciate your offer, but it's ok, really."

I believe I should be able to think, This is the weekend before my birthday. I won't be home on my birthday, so either we do something this weekend, or it won't be until well after my birthday that we can celebrate. I want the people in my life to ask me what I would like to do and simply answer, "Yes, and...". I don't want to have to deal with people spending weekends at work, starting a yes answer with all the reasons it's actually a no answer or having to think at all. I just, for once, want to be able to enjoy something without having to arrange, stipulate, advocate, or otherwise take on emotional labor to make it happen. But that isn't the world I grew up in and it's hard for me to believe that what I am asking for is anything useful. Instead I just pull back into myself so at least I won't be disappointed.

I have no idea what I am going to do this weekend. I had plans with people, but I got in my own way. I can go to all the things by myself, but while I am a strong and independent woman, I don't think I have it in me to go out alone. I have the feeling that it will be easier to just stay home. If am going to be miserable, at least I don't have to impose it on anyone else. (Yes, I know what I should do is reach out to my friends and ask, arrange and figure out people to do things with, thank you I realize that.)

But Green Day says it better than I do. I just feel too alone these days.