"I'm comin' up so you better you better get this party started..."

I didn't imagine that my last post would garner so much response. I was just ranting about my mother. I found it enlightening that people who have known me since high school and people whom I've only met once or twice had the same advice, to go on the trip.

I kept wanting to defend my mother, but I suppose that's natural.

I believe the most eye-opening moment was offline though. My husband has been wonderful. He called my uncle and spoke to him. He explained how upset I was and checked in to make sure that my uncle was not feeling pushed on my behalf. My uncle seemed more worried that I was taking the whole thing so poorly. He reassured us both that he would handle whatever comes up on Friday and that I should go to Disneyland and enjoy myself.

After that conversation my husband said, "I am sorry to say this, honey, but in all honesty I don't like your mother. She really rubs me the wrong way." Those of you who know my husband will understand this is a very big deal. He gets along with most people. Thankfully he really likes the rest of my family and they adore him.

At one time or another, both of my ex husbands told me that one of the biggest problems in our marriage was my mother. I have tried to take that to heart and have tried to keep my mother and my current husband from having to interact to often. As my children are adults, I no longer ask them to visit with my mother. I figure that they are responsible for the relationship they choose to have or not to have with her.

However this incident has given me pause for thought. I love my mother. I know that she is limited in how she interacts with the world due to her upbringing and is likely spectrum. I appreciate her intelligence and foresight and she does show that she loves me with gifts of things she makes.

I don't like my mother very much. She is everything that people have written and more. It's hard to see a relationship with a parent called toxic and know that you've been living with that all of your life and just assumed that's how it's supposed to be. I truly hope that I do better by my own children.

I am choosing not to contact my mother again before I leave for Disneyland. I can't see a positive outcome. I think that I might write her a letter when I get back and define some boundaries for both of us. I will need to give that some thought.

I really can't say how much I appreciate the outpouring of love and support that I received. While I know I don't need approval, it really helped me to see how deeply I was in denial when not one person suggested that I should cancel my trip. As an only child, I often feel like I am solely responsible for my mother's well being. It simply didn't occur to me that I could say, "Mom you will have to ask one of your brothers or a friend to go with you on Friday. I am celebrating my birthday with friends."

My mother taught me many things, but she never demonstrated that I could tell her no.

So, I am off to Disneyland and I am not going to answer my mother if she calls. So today I am going to leave you all with one of my favorite songs for getting ready to go out.