When I was a kid, I used to "clean" my room by stuffing everything in my closet or under my bed. My room would look clean, but it wasn't. When my mother figured it out, she made me pull everything out of my closet and from under my bed. She told me that anything I could not find a place for, I would have to get rid of. It was not a pleasant day.
I realize that with many people, their lives are like a room that looks clean, but is actually hiding a huge mess in the closet and a bunch of crap under the bed. It's really easy to just accept that the room is clean and ignore the mess. I also believe that it isn't my place to tell someone how they should keep their lives.
However in a relationship, it's different. Friendship, marriage, whatever the relationship between people is, that seems to me a time when the emotional closets can be emptied or at least picked through.
One of the problems is that clearing out a closet is a lot of work. It takes a lot of focus, it feels like it's the only thing that I can do. It feels like I can only do it with one person at a time. I feel like there's a lot of crap in my closet. While the people who read this blog know that my room isn't really clean, I think I still try to pretend that everything is just fine.
The song is a sideways connection, not directly related to this post. But it's pretty.
Yesterday was like being back in middle school. I know in my brain it wasn't supposed to be, but man that is how it felt.
My classroom is across campus from the lunch room, so it always takes me a while to get there. Yesterday was the Christmas Luncheon put on by the parents. Its always quite good. Due to circumstances, I was later than usual. When I got there, the colleagues I usually sit with had not saved me a seat. The table was quite full. I ended up sitting at a table with a substitute para-educator who was just filling in for the day. At least she appreciated that someone sat with her, so there's that.
I didn't stay long, though. It just hurt too much. I know it probably wasn't personal, but I feel so removed from my department. I am the only person in my department who is located across campus. The culture at my school isn't very social. We don't walk into each others classrooms, we don't get drinks on Fridays, or any of that stuff.
I also feel like I am always saying the wrong thing. I don't have the same struggles that my colleagues do. I don't have a commute, I don't struggle with money the same way. My children are grown. My life is fairly comfortable. I remind myself that I did commute for up to 2 hours a day for many years. I remind myself that I did struggle with money for most of my life and this current comfort is the work of many years. However, I just feel awkward and so I have been avoiding eating lunch or meeting up with my colleagues unless I absolutely have to.
I know that it's social anxiety. I know it's not real. But I feel really lonely these days. I am feeling really depressed and it's impacting my work, my social life, everything.
I have always been the mom. My mother worked two jobs, so it fell to me to take care of the house. I made my own lunches. I cooked dinner. I cleaned. My mother wasn't too mean about it. She didn't expect me to make her bed every day or anything; however she did have her quirks. Coffee was a big one, she expected her coffee to be brewing before I left for school. There also needed to be a pot ready for when she got home between Job #1 and Job #2. I learned care taking and anticipating another person's needs from a very young age.
Being the mom was usually a positive. It was called "Spirit" when I was on the swim team. It was reliability and consideration in my church group. I learned to hate being called "Reliable Rachel" because it seemed to have such a burden with it. I felt like it was my job to take care of my friends, my step-sister, the men I dated and everyone but me. I never learned how to take care of myself and I am still very bad at it. However I always had a crowd of people who seemed happy enough to spend time with me, so long as I was organizing, coordinating and most importantly care taking. (There have been wonderful people in my life who have given me so much. I don't mean to suggest that I was never on the receiving end. The negativity is just how I am feeling at the moment, not indicative of actual events.)
There was a wonderful moment this past Sunday morning. One of the members of my Dickens' cast was complaining about a problem. I had this sudden realization that not only was it not my problem, but that I didn't have to think of a solution. It was wonderful! I recognized something as Not My Problem.
I was talking to another friend on Sunday and we were discussing how our ex-husbands weren't really husbands, but instead we had found ourselves raising our biological child and the one we married. Even though we have divorced them, we are still stuck with their issues, because of shared parenting obligations. It was an interesting realization to understand that I wasn't alone in this feeling. It was also a bit of a wake-up call that I automatically tend to care take my partners, to my own detriment.
My husband and I have certainly struggled with this issue, but I will give him full marks for carrying his share of the load. I think he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I just don't always recognize it. That is something to work on.
I had another relationship where I feel the care taking has been incredibly uneven. It came to a head last night. It wasn't that I expected anything of them last night, but for the umpteenth time I felt like they had used me and then took that energy to someone else. I am tired of finding myself emotionally empty after spending time with them. They promised me that things would improve, but another weekend, another set of "circumstances" where they were unable to do anything for me. I found myself drained and emotionally exhausted yesterday morning and really pissed about it.
I am trying to consider that it was the last weekend of Dickens' Fair. I am trying to be understanding and considerate. However, I am so beyond caring about excuses and extenuating circumstances. I think I just have to accept that it will never feel like my turn.
I told them to give me a week of no contact and see if that clears my head. However I know me, I don't like to sit on things. I certainly can't sit on this. I will stew and ruminate. If I was really angry last night, that's nothing compared to much angrier and frustrated I am today. I suppose we could talk about my concerns, again. However, that hasn't resulted in anything but promises that things will get better, followed by a demonstration that my problems aren't serious enough to be given priority.
I can't think of anything they can say or do that will make things better. I feel like I am giving up and I hate that feeling, but at a certain point it's not my problem to solve. I guess I simply have to let this relationship go. I can't seem but to help but to be a care taker and I can't help being really fucking resentful when I feel I don't get taken care of in return. It's not a matter of me not asking, I just seem to ask at the wrong time.
I know that the person in question reads this blog from time to time. I am aware that between what I told them yesterday and what I am seeing here, they are likely just going to see if they can leave me to my own devices and try talking to me next week. I have no idea if that will be a good idea, but I doubt it. I have the feeling that I will only get colder and colder. I also am not sure that there is little reason to contact me today, I am beyond angry. I am just hurt and tired of giving myself to people only to be rejected. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. I don't think they can make me feel like I do matter by giving me space or by making empty promises that they won't keep anyway. I think I have just hit a problem where the only solution is to give up.
All right, enough ranting. Today's song was easy, it was playing on the radio when I got to work today.
One of the things about being a parent is that I learned very quickly that kids take priority. My children, your children, children I don't know. I am always fairly aware of the kids around me and try to consider them.
I often feel smothered by my mother, so I try to be really hands off with my own children. If they want to spend time with me, I try to give them my full attention. I am not great about calling them and telling them how much I like seeing them. I am too afraid of imposing on them like I feel my mother and father have done to me.
I never expect my children to give me the same priority I give them. I don't think that is appropriate. I want their love, I hope I have earned their respect, but I don't believe family = priority. I have a husband and friends for whom I believe I have earned a place in their lives. I don't think it is my child's role to be my friend and I don't want to be theirs.
I don't expect to be the most important thing in my husband's life. I expect to be an important thing. I expect the same from my friends. A good friendship, for me, involves feeling like I matter. Maybe not all the time, but enough to make my investment in the person worthwhile. I have been accused of ghosting at times because I don't make a fuss about how I feel. If I don't feel valued, I tend to let friendships fade away. I figure they didn't want me around anyway. (Yes, I realize that I'm not communicating. This is wrapped up in self-esteem issues and is a whole other entry.)
I want to feel valued. I think everyone does. A friend of mine once told me that they really hoped that I learned that there are over 7 billion and most of them would be far more considerate of me than my parents were. Regrettably what has happened since then is that I have let that friend fade from my life because I didn't feel valued and that last night I felt about as important as my father used to make me feel.
I am starting a new therapy group right after Christmas with the intention of working on some of this self-esteem stuff. It's going to be a big job.
I never really understood the purpose of boundaries until I read a book by Nancy Kress. It is called Beggars in Spain. It's a good book for a number of reasons, but it was the first time I ever understood resources as something that could be limited, that not only was it all right to refuse someone help, but sometimes it was necessary.
The idea I began to understand is that I can afford to give $5 to one beggar. I can probably afford to give $5 to one hundred beggars. However, at a certain point, giving money to beggars will bankrupt me. If I give too much, I will have nothing for myself. This is where the idea of boundary comes in. If I wish to give to the poor, I need to know how much I am willing to give and then stick to that amount. I will not be able to fix poverty. I have to set a boundary and only do what I can.
When it comes to money, it seems pretty simple. I have a set amount of money to give to charity. I decide where my charitable donations will go. At that point, it is in the hands of the foundation or the person who got the money and while I hope it is spent well, I honestly have no control.
When it comes to people that I know personally and when it comes to something other than money, it becomes far more difficult. I am beginning to believe that boundaries are far more important, but they are harder to implement and maintain.
As an example, let's say that my husband and my son are both having a bad night. I only have sufficient resources for one of them. Who do I choose? How do I choose? That is where this concept becomes very challenging for me. I have to have boundaries because exhausting myself trying to help them both ends up helping no one and possibly hurting both of them.
Boundaries are not easy. They mean telling a person no. I think that is the hardest thing for me. I am a teacher, I don't want to tell a student, "No, you can't do that." I want to say yes. I want to find resources to help. I want to give them the opportunity.
I believe in second chances. I believe in third chances. I believe in more chances. I have a hard time walking away if I think that a situation, relationship or person is salvageable. It takes a lot for me to give up hope.
Of course I have had my trust and my good nature abused. I still do give multiple chances. I still want to believe the best in people. I know I am not the only one, I have seen it in a number of places and organizations. I believe that most people want to believe the best in others.
However, at a certain point a boundary has to be drawn. When giving a person or situation multiple chances results in abuse of myself or others, I have to say no. I have struggled with this in my own life. I have been trying to internalize this idea of protecting myself through boundaries for years. While I have been working with this concept for a while, I have never seen it so well expressed as something a friend shared recently. The person who wrote this has nothing to do with me or any of my situations. However what they wrote about their own life really resonated with a number of things I am struggling with and have in the past. Thus, I am quoting from a friend of a friend here (without their knowledge or permission; all identifying information has been removed)
The friend of a friend was discussing relationships with abusive people.
"Therapy often doesn't actually help abusers reform. In fact, it often
gives them new language and new tools to both justify and worsen their
abuse to their victims. (Besides, therapists typically only ever see one
side of the story, their patient's, which means the patient is free to
twist the story however they want to get the therapist to validate all
their bullshit, or at least say things that the patient can interpret as
validating their bullshit.)
(...)
The problem isn't how they (the abuser) feels; plenty of people feel all kinds of
things every single day and still manage to not act on them in ways that
hurt other people. The problem is how they think -- namely, that they
think they are *entitled* to act on how they feel in ways that serve them
and them alone, anyone else's need for safety or truth or care be damned. They always give all these reasons why their shitty behavior is a
product of depression or anxiety or past trauma or their boss being mean
to them or how "difficult" being [in a particular situation] was or what-the-fuck-ever, and their excuse for acting out was"I'm entitled to this behavior."
How do you get someone like them to fix that? (...) You don't. That's a
choice only they can make, and they almost certainly won't ever [without outside intervention]. So all
that's left is to focus on the *effect* their behavior has and limiting
the damage they can do, and *that* takes a village."
I do want to give people the benefit of the doubt and provide them with all the chances possible to resolve conflicts. However, I have been the subject of abuse.I had to learn that sometimes the only possible choice for me is to walk away from the situation and simply choose not to engage. I never come to that decision lightly, but at least I know that is was likely my best possible choice when I do.
Does this have anything to do with situations I have discussed recently? Well of course it does, but there is no one particular person or situation this is speaking to. There have been a number of situations where I have been reminded that boundaries are important and that I not only need to have them, but I should enforce them. I can and should say no, because spending all of my resources on a hopeless case is akin to trying to end poverty by myself. It's simply beyond my abilities.
It is also a reminder that I have limited resources. I am going to have to tell my husband, my child, my friend, or whomever no. I am going to have to tell them that I am unable to help them. They won't like it. I won't like it, but I have to make a choice on what resources I have and how I am able to share them.
This weekend was much less challenging than I thought it would be. For the most part, there was no contact.
I realized that something I said in my previous post was untrue. I said that I had not discussed the situation at fair publicly. That is incorrect. While I have not given the person's name and I have tried to avoid giving identifying details, I recognize that people know who I am talking about.
I also want to talk about it, somewhere. So, I'll admit, I am talking smack in public.
I wish I were able to be more objective and I know that the best thing that I could do is to just shut up and let this all go. However, I am just not that big of a person. The compromise was walked back. I am not clear on the exact details. The reality seemed to be that he could through my usual environment but he wasn't allowed to stay there for a period of time. Each time he came into the environment, it felt like it was to tweak my nose. I tried to ignore it.
I tried to discuss it with a person who is very familiar with the situation. While we did discuss it to a certain degree, I felt like much of the conversation was about was how my situation was impacting other people and inconveniencing them.
I tried not to bring it up during the weekend. I figure that people are sick of hearing about it. My friends are very supportive and made me feel very welcome and loved. I didn't want to repay their kindness with bitterness and negativity.
I went to fair both days. I had a good time, but I was drained by the end of it. I kept my energy up (to a certain degree). I played, I went through the motions and I did have fun. However, being there was emotional work and I was feeling pretty drained by the end of the weekend.
I am glad to see the stuff with regards to my mother's assault case resolved, but it was also emotional labor. I spent time with my uncle, and while I love him dearly, it was also a lot of work. I was exhausted when I finally came home. So, of course, I was put through another emotional obstacle course, because that is how life seems to go at times.
I need to sleep. I need to relax. I have work tomorrow. Instead I am emotionally exhausted, frustrated and I have no idea what I am doing with my students tomorrow.
There was a time when I made the effort to go to a dance venue once a week. There was a 2 hour lesson and then about 2.5 hours of called dancing. When I started, in 1994, I was a beginner. I had some experience with the style of dancing and I quickly progressed to the intermediate class. A while later, I graduated to the advanced class. I did not make it every week: I took some time off when I had my son and there were times when work or other obligations prevented me from attending. However it was an important part of my life and I made sure to make room in my schedule for dancing. Some years after I started as a beginner, I was teaching dance to other people during the lesson and I was calling dances afterward.
It was home.
All things change and while there were many things that contributed, there was one major catalyst. In the course of one night, the place that I considered a home, a safe haven, and the place where I felt welcome became a place where my friends and I were no longer wanted. It was (mostly) due to one person who still organizes the weekly event. They are still enforcing the ban over a decade later. It broke my heart back when it happened and while I still do that sort of dancing, I've never been able to embrace it with the same enthusiasm.
I have tried many sorts of dancing. I have never found a venue that felt like home, but I found ones that I thought were safe spaces. Not too long ago, I upset an organizer (this time it was due to a personal conflict with the organizer, not with a group of friends who were banned as a community). While I have not been formally asked to leave, it was made very clear to me that I would not be welcome at any dance event that this person organizes. I am not great at conflict and so I didn't fight them directly.
I did speak to other organizers about the situation. I found out what happens when it comes to attractive people with charisma and charm, it's really difficult for people who are not impacted to see negative things about them. In spite of giving evidence and observable examples, that person still organizes dance events. I finally gave up and just try to avoid them. There are other venues, and other sorts of dancing, but dancing lost its joy when I realized how fragile the community feels.
The first time I attended the Dickens fair, it was pure magic. As a participant, it was even better. It was a safe space at a time when no other part of my life seemed stable. Not to say that I have never had any issues at the fair. However, once I worked through my problems, Dickens was still there, still a safe space. It was a place where I felt clever and accepted. It was a joy to be there and while every day wasn't perfect, overall, Dickens Fair was the closest I had ever come to finding a "home" since I lost the dance venue so many years ago.
A couple of years ago, that changed. I don't believe it only changed for me. Perhaps it wasn't just two years ago, but that is when I noticed it. The person that I mentioned wasn't just an organizer. They were a friend and they were part of my cast at Dickens. I discussed this last April and again then last week.
I am facing going back to Dickens' Fair this weekend. I am not sure I want to go. I know that many people put in a lot of work and effort to listen to my concerns and address them. I appreciate that, I really do. However, Dickens doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like home. It feels like I am getting ready to enter a war zone; a place where I have to protect myself.
It isn't just the person with whom I am having the conflict. It is the people who are angry because of the compromise that was put forth so we could both be at the venue. It is the people who don't seem to be looking at me, because I guess by telling how I felt, I did something wrong. It was the close friend whose first reaction when I explained the situation was to say, "Shouldn't they get a warning or something?"
It's the feeling that by standing up for myself and stating, "Hey I got pushed out of a lot of places because of this person, they can leave me one goddamned venue." is seen as selfish and not considerate of other people.
If I knew how to resolve the bloody situation, I would have. I tried. I spoke to the person directly and they threatened me (and did all they threatened and more). I spoke to mutual friends who tried to mediate and they were shot down cold. The dance venues are in public spaces, but I didn't push my way into any of them. I respected that person's feelings and the people who attend the events they organize. I have not contacted this person in over two years and try not to discuss the situation publicly. I have not intentionally attended any event where I knew they would be. I have not pursued friendships with the people I met through them. I never asked that they be banned from the fair.
Even though a compromise was decided, it doesn't feel real. I don't know many details and I have received a lot of conflicting information. Because of this, I am just waiting for the shoe to drop and for something to happen. Fair doesn't feel like a safe space. I am not looking to Saturday with any anticipation. I am dreading it. My social anxiety is in poisonous blossom; assuring me that it's my fault and that everyone would just be happier if I took the hint and stayed home.
I am not asking for people to reassure me that I'm wanted or that I have a right to be there. I know I am whinging and I am not proud of it. I know that there are hormonal factors and stress factors. I wish I could just claim illness, but that's chicken shit. I know that if I don't go I will feel guilty for putting people through the trouble. I feel that if I attend, I will be nervous and on my guard because I figure everyone is pissed at me. I also feel like it is all my fault, because I should have been able to fix it.
This is a blog, I am expressing how I am feeling. I guess I try to go to Dickens and hope for the best, but I am not sure that I can find the magic anymore.
