"Just something I can turn to, Somebody I can kiss..."

I have always been the mom. My mother worked two jobs, so it fell to me to take care of the house. I made my own lunches. I cooked dinner. I cleaned. My mother wasn't too mean about it. She didn't expect me to make her bed every day or anything; however she did have her quirks. Coffee was a big one, she expected her coffee to be brewing before I left for school. There also needed to be a pot ready for when she got home between Job #1 and Job #2. I learned care taking and anticipating another person's needs from a very young age.

Being the mom was usually a positive. It was called "Spirit" when I was on the swim team. It was reliability and consideration in my church group. I learned to hate being called "Reliable Rachel" because it seemed to have such a burden with it. I felt like it was my job to take care of my friends, my step-sister, the men I dated and everyone but me. I never learned how to take care of myself and I am still very bad at it. However I always had a crowd of people who seemed happy enough to spend time with me, so long as I was organizing, coordinating and most importantly care taking. (There have been wonderful people in my life who have given me so much. I don't mean to suggest that I was never on the receiving end. The negativity is just how I am feeling at the moment, not indicative of actual events.)

There was a wonderful moment this past Sunday morning. One of the members of my Dickens' cast was complaining about a problem. I had this sudden realization that not only was it not my problem, but that I didn't have to think of a solution. It was wonderful! I recognized something as Not My Problem.

I was talking to another friend on Sunday and we were discussing how our ex-husbands weren't really husbands, but instead we had found ourselves raising our biological child and the one we married. Even though we have divorced them, we are still stuck with their issues, because of shared parenting obligations. It was an interesting realization to understand that I wasn't alone in this feeling. It was also a bit of a wake-up call that I automatically tend to care take my partners, to my own detriment.

My husband and I have certainly struggled with this issue, but I will give him full marks for carrying his share of the load. I think he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I just don't always recognize it. That is something to work on.

I had another relationship where I feel the care taking has been incredibly uneven. It came to a head last night. It wasn't that I expected anything of them last night, but for the umpteenth time I felt like they had used me and then took that energy to someone else. I am tired of finding myself emotionally empty after spending time with them. They promised me that things would improve, but another weekend, another set of "circumstances" where they were unable to do anything for me. I found myself drained and emotionally exhausted yesterday morning and really pissed about it.

I am trying to consider that it was the last weekend of Dickens' Fair. I am trying to be understanding and considerate. However, I am so beyond caring about excuses and extenuating circumstances. I think I just have to accept that it will never feel like my turn.

I told them to give me a week of no contact and see if that clears my head. However I know me, I don't like to sit on things. I certainly can't sit on this. I will stew and ruminate. If I was really angry last night, that's nothing compared to much angrier and  frustrated I am today. I suppose we could talk about my concerns, again. However, that hasn't resulted in anything but promises that things will get better, followed by a demonstration that my problems aren't serious enough to be given priority.

I can't think of anything they can say or do that will make things better. I feel like I am giving up and I hate that feeling, but at a certain point it's not my problem to solve. I guess I simply have to let this relationship go. I can't seem but to help but to be a care taker and I can't help being really fucking resentful when I feel I don't get taken care of in return. It's not a matter of me not asking, I just seem to ask at the wrong time.

I know that the person in question reads this blog from time to time. I am aware that between what I told them yesterday and what I am seeing here, they are likely just going to see if they can leave me to my own devices and try talking to me next week. I have no idea if that will be a good idea, but I doubt it. I have the feeling that I will only get colder and colder. I also am not sure that there is little reason to contact me today, I am beyond angry. I am just hurt and tired of giving myself to people only to be rejected. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. I don't think they can make me feel like I do matter by giving me space or by making empty promises that they won't keep anyway. I think I have just hit a problem where the only solution is to give up.

All right, enough ranting. Today's song was easy, it was playing on the radio when I got to work today.