"Solitarie, it gets so lonely..."

Yesterday was like being back in middle school. I know in my brain it wasn't supposed to be, but man that is how it felt.

My classroom is across campus from the lunch room, so it always takes me a while to get there. Yesterday was the Christmas Luncheon put on by the parents. Its always quite good. Due to circumstances, I was later than usual. When I got there, the colleagues I usually sit with had not saved me a seat. The table was quite full. I ended up sitting at a table with a substitute para-educator who was just filling in for the day. At least she appreciated that someone sat with her, so there's that.

I didn't stay long, though. It just hurt too much. I know it probably wasn't personal, but I feel so removed from my department. I am the only person in my department who is located across campus. The culture at my school isn't very social. We don't walk into each others classrooms, we don't get drinks on Fridays, or any of that stuff.

I also feel like I am always saying the wrong thing. I don't have the same struggles that my colleagues do. I don't have a commute, I don't struggle with money the same way. My children are grown. My life is fairly comfortable. I remind myself that I did commute for up to 2 hours a day for many years. I remind myself that I did struggle with money for most of my life and this current comfort is the work of many years. However, I just feel awkward and so I have been avoiding eating lunch or meeting up with my colleagues unless I absolutely have to.

I know that it's social anxiety. I know it's not real. But I feel really lonely these days. I am feeling really depressed and it's impacting my work, my social life, everything.