I often feel smothered by my mother, so I try to be really hands off with my own children. If they want to spend time with me, I try to give them my full attention. I am not great about calling them and telling them how much I like seeing them. I am too afraid of imposing on them like I feel my mother and father have done to me.
I never expect my children to give me the same priority I give them. I don't think that is appropriate. I want their love, I hope I have earned their respect, but I don't believe family = priority. I have a husband and friends for whom I believe I have earned a place in their lives. I don't think it is my child's role to be my friend and I don't want to be theirs.
I don't expect to be the most important thing in my husband's life. I expect to be an important thing. I expect the same from my friends. A good friendship, for me, involves feeling like I matter. Maybe not all the time, but enough to make my investment in the person worthwhile. I have been accused of ghosting at times because I don't make a fuss about how I feel. If I don't feel valued, I tend to let friendships fade away. I figure they didn't want me around anyway. (Yes, I realize that I'm not communicating. This is wrapped up in self-esteem issues and is a whole other entry.)
I want to feel valued. I think everyone does. A friend of mine once told me that they really hoped that I learned that there are over 7 billion and most of them would be far more considerate of me than my parents were. Regrettably what has happened since then is that I have let that friend fade from my life because I didn't feel valued and that last night I felt about as important as my father used to make me feel.
I am starting a new therapy group right after Christmas with the intention of working on some of this self-esteem stuff. It's going to be a big job.
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