"One of these days you're gonna get it right..."

I never really understood the purpose of boundaries until I read a book by Nancy Kress. It is called Beggars in Spain. It's a good book for a number of reasons, but it was the first time I ever understood resources as something that could be limited, that not only was it all right to refuse someone help, but sometimes it was necessary.

The idea I began to understand is that I can afford to give $5 to one beggar. I can probably afford to give $5 to one hundred beggars. However, at a certain point, giving money to beggars will bankrupt me. If I give too much, I will have nothing for myself. This is where the idea of boundary comes in. If I wish to give to the poor, I need to know how much I am willing to give and then stick to that amount. I will not be able to fix poverty. I have to set a boundary and only do what I can.

When it comes to money, it seems pretty simple. I have a set amount of money to give to charity. I decide where my charitable donations will go. At that point, it is in the hands of the foundation or the person who got the money and while I hope it is spent well, I honestly have no control.

When it comes to people that I know personally and when it comes to something other than money, it becomes far more difficult. I am beginning to believe that boundaries are far more important, but they are harder to implement and maintain.

As an example, let's say that my husband and my son are both having a bad night. I only have sufficient resources for one of them. Who do I choose? How do I choose? That is where this concept becomes very challenging for me.  I have to have boundaries because exhausting myself trying to help them both ends up helping no one and possibly hurting both of them.

Boundaries are not easy. They mean telling a person no. I think that is the hardest thing for me. I am a teacher, I don't want to tell a student, "No, you can't do that." I want to say yes. I want to find resources to help. I want to give them the opportunity.

I believe in second chances. I believe in third chances. I believe in more chances. I have a hard time walking away if I think that a situation, relationship or person is salvageable. It takes a lot for me to give up hope.

Of course I have had my trust and my good nature abused. I still do give multiple chances. I still want to believe the best in people. I know I am not the only one, I have seen it in a number of places and organizations. I believe that most people want to believe the best in others.

However, at a certain point a boundary has to be drawn.  When giving a person or situation multiple chances results in abuse of myself or others, I have to say no. I have struggled with this in my own life. I have been trying to internalize this idea of protecting myself through boundaries for years. While I have been working with this concept for a while, I have never seen it so well expressed as something a friend shared recently. The person who wrote this has nothing to do with me or any of my situations. However what they wrote about their own life really resonated with a number of things I am struggling with and have in the past. Thus, I am quoting from a friend of a friend here (without their knowledge or permission; all identifying information has been removed)

The friend of a friend was discussing relationships with abusive people.

"Therapy often doesn't actually help abusers reform. In fact, it often gives them new language and new tools to both justify and worsen their abuse to their victims. (Besides, therapists typically only ever see one side of the story, their patient's, which means the patient is free to twist the story however they want to get the therapist to validate all their bullshit, or at least say things that the patient can interpret as validating their bullshit.)

(...)

The problem isn't how they (the abuser) feels; plenty of people feel all kinds of things every single day and still manage to not act on them in ways that hurt other people. The problem is how they think -- namely, that they think they are *entitled* to act on how they feel in ways that serve them and them alone, anyone else's need for safety or truth or care be damned. They always give all these reasons why their shitty behavior is a product of depression or anxiety or past trauma or their boss being mean to them or how "difficult" being [in a particular situation] was or what-the-fuck-ever, and their excuse for acting out was"I'm entitled to this behavior."

How do you get someone like them to fix that? (...) You don't. That's a choice only they can make, and they almost certainly won't ever [without outside intervention]. So all that's left is to focus on the *effect* their behavior has and limiting the damage they can do, and *that* takes a village."

I do want to give people the benefit of the doubt and provide them with all the chances possible to resolve conflicts. However, I have been the subject of abuse. I had to learn that sometimes the only possible choice for me is to walk away from the situation and simply choose not to engage. I never come to that decision lightly, but at least I know that is was likely my best possible choice when I do.

Does this have anything to do with situations I have discussed recently? Well of course it does, but there is no one particular person or situation this is speaking to. There have been a number of situations where I have been reminded that boundaries are important and that I not only need to have them, but I should enforce them. I can and should say no, because spending all of my resources on a hopeless case is akin to trying to end poverty by myself. It's simply beyond my abilities.

It is also a reminder that I have limited resources. I am going to have to tell my husband, my child, my friend, or whomever no. I am going to have to tell them that I am unable to help them. They won't like it. I won't like it, but I have to make a choice on what resources I have and how I am able to share them.