"The Thrill is Gone..."

There was a time when I made the effort to go to a dance venue once a week. There was a 2 hour lesson and then about 2.5 hours of called dancing. When I started, in 1994, I was a beginner. I had some experience with the style of dancing and I quickly progressed to the intermediate class. A while later, I graduated to the advanced class. I did not make it every week: I took some time off when I had my son and there were times when work or other obligations prevented me from attending. However it was an important part of my life and I made sure to make room in my schedule for dancing. Some years after I started as a beginner, I was teaching dance to other people during the lesson and I was calling dances afterward.

It was home.

All things change and while there were many things that contributed, there was one major catalyst. In the course of one night, the place that I considered a home, a safe haven, and the place where I felt welcome became a place where my friends and I were no longer wanted. It was (mostly) due to one person who still organizes the weekly event. They are still enforcing the ban over a decade later. It broke my heart back when it happened and while I still do that sort of dancing, I've never been able to embrace it with the same enthusiasm.

I have tried many sorts of dancing. I have never found a venue that felt like home, but I found ones that I thought were safe spaces. Not too long ago, I upset an organizer (this time it was due to a personal conflict with the organizer, not with a group of friends who were banned as a community). While I have not been formally asked to leave, it was made very clear to me that I would not be welcome at any dance event that this person organizes. I am not great at conflict and so I didn't fight them directly.

I did speak to other organizers about the situation. I found out what happens when it comes to attractive people with charisma and charm, it's really difficult for people who are not impacted to see negative things about them. In spite of giving evidence and observable examples, that person still organizes dance events. I finally gave up and just try to avoid them. There are other venues, and other sorts of dancing, but dancing lost its joy when I realized how fragile the community feels.

The first time I attended the Dickens fair, it was pure magic. As a participant, it was even better. It was a safe space at a time when no other part of my life seemed stable. Not to say that I have never had any issues at the fair. However, once I worked through my problems, Dickens was still there, still a safe space. It was a place where I felt clever and accepted. It was a joy to be there and while every day wasn't perfect, overall, Dickens Fair was the closest I had ever come to finding a "home" since I lost the dance venue so many years ago.

A couple of years ago, that changed. I don't believe it only changed for me. Perhaps it wasn't just two years ago, but that is when I noticed it. The person that I mentioned wasn't just an organizer. They were a friend and they were part of my cast at Dickens. I discussed this last April and again then last week.

I am facing going back to Dickens' Fair this weekend. I am not sure I want to go. I know that many people put in a lot of work and effort to listen to my concerns and address them. I appreciate that, I really do. However, Dickens doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like home. It feels like I am getting ready to enter a war zone; a place where I have to protect myself.

It isn't just the person with whom I am having the conflict. It is the people who are angry because of the compromise that was put forth so we could both be at the venue. It is the people who don't seem to be looking at me, because I guess by telling how I felt, I did something wrong. It was the close friend whose first reaction when I explained the situation was to say, "Shouldn't they get a warning or something?"

It's the feeling that by standing up for myself and stating, "Hey I got pushed out of a lot of places because of this person, they can leave me one goddamned venue." is seen as selfish and not considerate of other people.

If I knew how to resolve the bloody situation, I would have. I tried. I spoke to the person directly and they threatened me (and did all they threatened and more). I spoke to mutual friends who tried to mediate and they were shot down cold. The dance venues are in public spaces, but I didn't push my way into any of them. I respected that person's feelings and the people who attend the events they organize. I have not contacted this person in over two years and try not to discuss the situation publicly. I have not intentionally attended any event where I knew they would be. I have not pursued friendships with the people I met through them. I never asked that they be banned from the fair. 

Even though a compromise was decided, it doesn't feel real. I don't know many details and I have received a lot of conflicting information. Because of this, I am just waiting for the shoe to drop and for something to happen. Fair doesn't feel like a safe space. I am not looking to Saturday with any anticipation. I am dreading it. My social anxiety is in poisonous blossom; assuring me that it's my fault and that everyone would just be happier if I took the hint and stayed home.

I am not asking for people to reassure me that I'm wanted or that I have a right to be there. I know I am whinging and I am not proud of it. I know that there are hormonal factors and stress factors. I wish I could just claim illness, but that's chicken shit. I know that if I don't go I will feel guilty for putting people through the trouble. I feel that if I attend, I will be nervous and on my guard because I figure everyone is pissed at me. I also feel like it is all my fault, because I should have been able to fix it.

This is a blog, I am expressing how I am feeling. I guess I try to go to Dickens and hope for the best, but I am not sure that I can find the magic anymore.