"I want to be where nothing needs to matter..."

There's nothing better than having your boss (in my case principal) dismiss the work you have been doing for the past four years because he doesn't want to deal with the fact that the activities director  isn't fit to hold the position. The principal refused to meet in person after our team asked multiple times.

This is the first time that I've seriously considered moving to another school within my district or leaving my district altogether. (If I leave the district, I only take 5 years of seniority with me, so it would hurt my paycheck. Tenure is a double edged sword.)

I know job frustrations are universal, but I have spent so much time trying to make this program a success and I am really tired of feeling thwarted at every turn.

Thwarted is a tough feeling for me to deal with. I hate it. It feels like getting lost. I feel like I should know what I am doing. I feel like it should be obvious, but for whatever reason, I don't know where I am, I don't know where I stand and I don't know where I am going.

I have been feeling really thwarted at work for the past two years. There are things that I want to do, classes I would like to teach, and I feel like I keep getting stuck. I really love teaching, but their is no recognition for a job well done or appreciation for the work that I do. This program was something and it feels like it doesn't matter. Teaching language learners was supposed to be an opportunity but I haven't received any support, materials or help. It's just extra work with no compensation.

I feel thwarted in my health goals. Eating every day feels like an impossible challenge, much less eating the food that is good for my diabetes, doesn't exacerbate my thyroid and takes my other dietary considerations into account. I am almost tempted to sign up for one of those meal planning and delivery sources just to have the choices taken out of my hands.

I feel thwarted in my social communities. I am not sure what I am looking for, but I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. I feel like an imposter or an alien and it isn't a good feeling. There are events this weekend and I mostly resigned to not going because I don't feel supported or that anyone would notice if I didn't attend. I know most of that is social anxiety, but even that feels like I am stuck on a plateau. Do I change my medications? Do I change therapists? Do I try group therapy?

I could continue, but I'll leave it at feeling thwarted in just about every aspect. I feel like my best option is to simply upend my life and start all over. It's not a practical solution, but I feel like it would at least reset the playing field. 

Maybe this is my midlife crisis?

Today's song is one I first heard thanks to my seester. It's my go to when life just feels like it's too damn much.