I have a lot of negative things to say about my parents. However, I can say that I trust my mother implicitly. I know that when my mother says that she will do something, she will do her best to make sure it happens. I did not get a lot growing up, but my mother made sure that I had a prom dress, even after my father flaked on his half. My mother made sure I had a car, even though my father (again) flaked. I couldn't trust my father to do anything he said. If it wasn't in my hand, a promise from my father didn't exist. My mother's word, however, is as reliable as the gold standard.
As a rule, I don't trust people. I learned a long time ago that there are intimacies that I can share with people that mean very little to me, but usually make them believe that I trust them. I hold most of myself apart from my social circle, only letting them see what I want them to. It's not that I want to deceive people or that I don't have friends I love and trust. It's just that people don't seem to know how much I can hide.
The exception is blogging. From the moment I discovered LiveJournal, I poured my heart and soul into the ether of the internet. I knew people read what I wrote, but it didn't ever feel real. It still doesn't. I know that my exes, people who don't like me, and people I haven't spoken to in years have stumbled across this blog (or my LiveJournal) and even when directly challenged about what wrote down, it didn't feel real.
Online writing, however, is the only way I have ever found to discuss my feelings. No one has to read what I write. I never expect it. So if people are reading, it is by their choice. I am not imposing. Unlike writing in a journal, blogging feels cathartic because I know someone is reading it.
Blogging feels like a sure bet.
Trusting people feels like a loser's game. There are so many reasons that my already poorly established trust algorithms stack the odds against me. Because I am human, I remember all the times when my trust has been broken and I find it difficult to remember the times when the person has followed through. Even though I cannot recall one time that my mother made a promise and went back on it, my childhood feels like a series of disappointments from a father who never really knew what to do with me.
It is really difficult for me to trust someone who has, for whatever reason, gone back on a promise. That does not mean I will leave. In fact, my father trained me too well to accept people (particularly romantic partners) who do not keep their word. There is always a reason, an excuse, and I believe them when they tell me that they didn't mean to break their promise. I believe them when they tell me that they still care.
I think my husband is the first romantic partner that I could depend on to be reliable. It has got to be the sexiest thing, to know that someone will say something and then follow through on it. He even puts up with my continued defensiveness, despite the fact that we have been together for fourteen years.
I still put up with a lot from people that maybe I shouldn't. I never learned to draw boundaries with my father. I never believed him, but I rarely made him deal with the consequences of his actions. It wasn't until I realized that he was doing the same thing to my children that I put a stop to it. Neither of my kids had much of a relationship with their grandfather and I don't regret it. No one should grow up believing that promises are something that can be broken when they become inconvenient.
The problem is that my thinking has become all or nothing (as per usual). If I trust someone, I want to trust them completely and any violation of that trust means I will never trust them again. However, once I have had my trust violated a couple of times and I am still with the person, I stick around hoping this time will be different. I fall into the same scripts my father taught me.
It is hard to know when to give someone another chance. I don't gamble much. I get bored with losing and so after a few hands of blackjack or a couple of quarters in the slot machine, I wander off to find something more engaging. Why play when I know that the house always wins?
However when it comes to people, especially people who trigger the same script as my father, I am like an addict and I will spend emotional currency until I am broke and taking loans. If there was such a thing as an emotional loan shark, I'd be getting beaten black and blue for not paying up. In some ways that is what is happening to me. It is harder and harder to put on a cheery face for the rest of the world.
I feel like I either don't trust anyone or I get the shit kicked out of me. There is no happy medium.
Today's song is not entirely appropriate to my post, but the pathos of it suits my current mood.
No comments:
Post a Comment