'Loving you, Isn't the right thing to do..."

When I left my first husband, I feel like I lost a lot of friendships. There were problems because my ex and I were both so young. There were also the problems that I don’t think I was very good at PR and I believe that he was.

I do not need to drag a relationship that ended over 20 years ago through the mud, so I will skip the salacious details (such as they are). I learned a great deal about friendship, loyalty, and how people will make assumptions without information. People pick sides and it seems human nature to do so.

I don’t know if I got better at PR or if my second husband was just a wretched human being, but I feel like I ended up with the lion’s share of the social group when we separated.

Break ups are never easy, regardless if they are mutual or if one person feels the need to leave the other.

However what made both of my divorces particularly difficult was that unlike the option many couples have, I had to continue to work with my ex-husbands as we attempted to co-parent the child that we had together.

As I am fond of saying to my students, time travel is not a thing and debating whether or not an event should have happened is a waste of time. The milk is spilt. The purpose of revisiting history is to determine what can be learned from the situation. I won’t marry too young again, I won’t marry impulsively again, I won’t get pregnant before I am ready again. However, I can learn from my experiences and I have been trying to do so.

One of the questions that I am asked about being polyamorous is how to deal with the jealousy. I won’t pretend that jealousy doesn’t exist, but my biggest problem is dividing time. I want things to be fair and I do my best to make them so.

There is nothing that makes me angrier when I feel like something is not fair. All of my impulsiveness and anger will come to the surface when I feel myself or someone I love has been treated unfairly.

What makes polyamory (or any relationship) difficult is that how I see the world and how someone else sees the world might be vastly different.

I suppose if there is anything I have learned from co-parenting with two people who were often working at cross-purposes with me is that it’s important to pick your battles.

I have learned that there is no good way to communicate through a conflict. E-mail, texting, phone calls, or in person all have their advantages and disadvantages. If there is no common ground between two people, no amount of communication will solve it if both parties (or one party) refuses to budge. I am not saying that people should abandon communication, but declaring that people can only resolve things in person or via e-mail is narrow and doesn’t address people’s individual needs. That's a piss-poor way to open an already difficult negotiation.

I loved both of my husbands. (Yes, I really loved both of them.) However love is not enough. I learned that once a relationship is truly over, no emotions will protect you from the fact that this person you have spent a part of your life with no longer gives a damn about you. They have made you the enemy and fair is no longer a factor. This makes co-parenting incredibly difficult.

I suppose the final thing I have learned that it is never easy to leave a relationship no matter how broken it may be. It just hurts like hell.

For today's song, I will go with a classic.