"Mama said there would be days like this..."

It is time to work on my boundaries again. My mother hurt her back. I feel really badly for her, back pain is awful. She has muscle relaxants and pain pills, but they are putting her to sleep, not helping with the pain.

She asked me if I could time off from work to help her around the house. My mother is not immobile. She is able to take care of the basic things like feeding herself and using the restroom. She just can't do her laundry or wash the dishes.

I talked to her about having a bonded home caregiver come in, but she didn't want that. She admitted she wants company. While I feel for her, my mother wanted me to take time off from work because she is bored and alone. I have already taken off two days from work because of my mother. My mother knows that I used all of my sick leave last year due to my own health issues, so I have no reserves for myself. I am sure she hasn't considered this information, but she does know.

My mother asked me to come and see her this weekend. It's a perfectly reasonable request, but I can't express the anger and rage that filled me. My mother wanted an Easter dinner, but when I told her that she was welcome to come down and help me cook it, she declined. I can't recall a time in the past 20 years that my mother has come to help me when I have been sick or overwhelmed. When my mother comes to my house, she wants to be treated like a guest. When I see her, she wants me to help her like a daughter. I feel bad that she isn't doing well. I am more than happy to have someone come in to help clean, cook, or do laundry. But I don't want to give up my weekend for her.

I don't have a good excuse. I have no pressing plans, no non-refundable tickets, no obligations. The only reason I have is because I am pissy and resentful. I don't want to.

When I told my mother that I couldn't take time off from work, she became very short and got off the phone with me very quickly. 

As a good daughter, I should help her out. But I know that there is no such thing as a "good daughter" at this time. I have to draw boundaries and I have to be firm. My mother has chosen to live alone. It is not my job to provide her with company. I am certainly not going to miss work. It is all right if I don't wish to see her. I have my own life and I do not owe my mother anything.

This is a very hard thing for me to deal with. My mother made her own choices. She has to live with them and the consequences. And when I say that out loud I feel like the worst daughter that ever breathed oxygen.

So I have spent the night crying and trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Whichever way I look at it, I feel like I am either failing myself or my filial duties.

I really wish I had siblings right now. I want someone to talk to.