“If there was a problem, Yo, I’ll solve it...”

I feel empty and lost. I feel like I am doing so much for everyone else that I have forgotten to take care of myself. I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself. 

I am supposed to be able to tell people what I want. I don’t know. Give me a problem to solve, ask me to fix something, and I can do that. I can cook a meal, pick you up from the airport, and give you advice. When I do all of these things I do it so that someone will like me, will care for me. When I don’t get the care I am hoping for, that I need, I blame myself. I figure I simply didn’t do enough. I start to believe that I am not good enough.

I have cognitive exercises I am supposed to do. I am not sure how to do them when I think that I can rely on someone, that I can trust them. It’s hard to end the narrative that I am expected to take care of people. If I don’t, they won’t like me; more importantly they won’t support me when I need them.

I don’t know how to fix this. I just know that I live in deep fear that if I don’t do the things I am supposed to, I will be alone when I feel I am in need. That was certainly the case today. In fact, I was yelled at for being selfish. Everything I had done was for my benefit and that by asking for more was wrong.

I didn’t do any of the things because I expected the favors to be returned. However, being told: “I would very much appreciate it if you would figure out how to act like a grownup with impulse control...” didn’t help me today. I asked someone for what I thought I needed. They agreed to give the support I requested, multiple times.

However, then the person decided that they had something better to do, so thirty minutes after they assured me of their support, with what felt like nearly no warning, they decided that they had better things to do. However I am called immature because I got angry.

This is why I don’t tell people what I want. This is what happens. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I am tired of it. I am tired of having my trust broken right after someone has told me that I am supposed to tell them what I want and need. 

I have been chided because I am not articulate. I tried to say what I wanted clearly and I was told that it was no longer on the table. 

I have been called immature because someone had their own opinions about my character and feelings and did not ask me about them, they just assumed.

I feel like asking for anything just makes me a victim. I feel like offering anything to people is just a way to be called a chump.

Today’s song is because of one stupid line.