"You just want attention, you don't want my heart..."

Yesterday my son suffered a grievous loss. His uncle passed away very suddenly. While my son has dealt with loss before, it has never hit him like this did. His uncle was the cool adult that my son could turn to when he was having problems with his father or me. His uncle was the person who never judged him, was always generous and would listen to my son talk about whatever for however long my son could go.

I don't think I have ever felt as inadequate as I did last night. I hugged my son while he cried. I offered him as much support as possible. His uncle and I had not spoken in years. Uncle Dan was my ex-husband's friend and he never really cared for me. However, I could never thank Dan enough for the kindness and consideration he gave to my son.

Dan's death was completely unexpected. He was 44 and while it doesn't seem like he suffered, he died way too young.  (I do not know the cause.)

His death brought some things into perspective for me. The same thing could happen to me if I don't take better care of my health. A few days ago I saw my glucose and blood pressure spike dangerously high. It was due to situations I put myself in and I paid the consequences. It did not help that someone who does not care about my health or emotional state decided that was the day to come after me with both barrels.

I had something similar happen Sunday night. I put myself into a situation where I allowed stress to affect my sleep, thus impacting my glucose and stress levels yesterday. Last night, I went to bed with my TMJ acting up and in pain.

I am simply not capable of dealing with other people's problems. Well that's not true. When my son called, I ran as soon as I figured out that something was wrong. But it took a while. I was caught up in my own crap and I didn't hear the pain in his voice. However, I am very aware that I have certain limitations to the amount of emotional energy I can give and I have to be better about dealing with my boundaries.

I have lost a number of people in my family who were too young. One of my uncles died because he didn't address the stress in his life or the symptoms of a heart attack when it happened. He was only a few years older than I am now. I don't want to live in fear of death, but I should be better about taking care of my own life.

Yesterday, in a flurry of frustration and anger, I pushed some people out of my close proximity because I feel that their behavior is negatively affecting my health. The people are connected. I feel that I have been incredibly understanding and patient with them. When I was already stressed and in pain, they didn't support me; instead they added to my stress when I desperately needed understanding.

Maybe they are right, maybe I am impulsive, thoughtless and selfish. I am already trying to deal with some very negative situations of my own and if that means I am unable to accommodate them, then I am probably better off without them in my life and they are better off without me in theirs.

That's really easy to write. It's really hard for me to believe. I keep thinking that I should apologize, that I should try to appease their complaints and ask them to like me again. I think I must be the reason that things are bad and that I shouldn't be asking for their understanding.

The best I figured out to do was simply remove them from my proximity and keep them removed until they are able to better consider my needs and me theirs. The cognitive dissonance is considerable, but I just tell myself that if I don't do this, I will damage my health and give my son another reason to cry, which is something I never want to do.

Today's song is more the feeling than anything specific.