..."a fortune in feelings"

The word no is not one that readily exists in my vocabulary. As a woman of my generation, raised as I was and other factors, I never learned to simply say, "no."

I learned to say things like, "I would, but..."

I learned the soft no. The gentle refusal. I learned to say no in a way that would keep me protected and safe.

I've never been sexually violated, per say. I just have said a lot of soft no's and have done things I didn't want to. I kept myself safe, extracted myself from the situation if I could and tried to forget it happened. After all, it was my fault, I didn't say no.

When someone asks me to tell them what I want or what I need, as I mentioned in my previous entry, I am unable to do so. I can't tell people "I want 'X'. If I tell someone clearly what I want, they will have power over me. It's not that I can't handle an answer of no. It's because if they know clearly what I want, then they can exploit it and use it against me.

When I am asked what I want, I freeze up. I get scared and I fall to pieces. It happened last night and I felt like the person didn't even care.

And they wondered why I didn't choose to tell them what I wanted.