"There's a little black spot on the sun today..."

My mother is not much for caretaking. When I was sick, she couldn't stay home with me. If I stayed home ill (and that was rare) she'd park me in her room with the television. I had to take care of my own needs, for the most. Being sick did not get me attention, I was always aware that if I was sick, I was inconveniencing my mother and that was a bad thing. I felt bad about being ill and would often hide it.

I contracted chicken pox when I was 12. I got really sick with it because I was so old. I ran a fever and got spots everywhere. My mother had to park me with my grandparents because I couldn't be left alone. My grandmother was the opposite of my mother. I wasn't left alone and better, I was taken care of. There were cool compresses, gentle foods for my stomach and salves for my itches. I didn't want to go home, it was so nice.

I have always tried to take care of people when they are ill. I try to provide the cool juices, the tasty treats and quiet company. I know how much I appreciate it, so its something I like to give to others.

I am horrible about asking for help when I am sick. Regrettably my partners are not terribly attentive and I am not very good about asking.

I have been in a lot of pain for the past few days. My husband feels bad, but he has his own stuff going on, so he hasn't been terribly attentive. I am not good at asking for what I want or need either. So I have been miserable. I don't even know what to ask for. My TMJ hurts, make it stop, dammit.