"We are problems that want to be solved."

I was thinking about apologizing for the posts that will involve me processing through the end of a relationship. I thought about trying to curtail my posts. Then I remember what my friend Beth tells me every so often. It's my blog, I'm not making anyone read it and I can post whatever the hell I want.

I have been thinking about many things in my life, specifically absolutes. It is the danger of the single story.

I show this to my students every year. I think it's a beautiful concept and if you haven't seen it, I cannot recommend it enough. What is your single story? What do people think they know about you? What would you like them to know?

One person commented that the stories I shared yesterday were mostly negative and why would I want to be with such an asshole anyway? I noted that of course there were good things about the relationship, I might be an emotional masochist (see my first two marriages and the relationship with my mother) but if there isn't something positive about the relationship, I don't spend three years fighting for it.

I realized that my big problem with both Primary and Secondary was dealing in absolutes, feeling like they only knew a single story and refused to learn more about me.

I am not sure what I did to make Primary think I was unreasonable about scheduling and time. I am sure there are some legitimate kernels of truth on which she bases her opinions. My guess is that I don't consider the needs of a friend as seriously as I would a romantic partner. I probably dismissed her requests and needs when I believed that Primary and Secondary were "just friends". Once it was explained to me that they were more than friends, I tried to adjust, however by then it seems it was too late. I know that once Primary (and many other people) have decided on a story, they use that to define everything about a person and rarely update how they see a person.

It might seem to be a semantic argument, but it's an important to me. I want to reply to her complaints about how I am unreasonable. I can say, "I am sorry that you are frustrated. Can you give me an example of a time that I scheduled in a way that was offensive to you, I would like to understand better so I don't do it again."

Will people do that? I doubt it. I know that my most likely response is going to be, "Oh yeah, what about that time you did this, that, or the other thing?" There are places, even in an argument, to stop the one upmanship and have a conversation. It's not an absolute response, even if it's a very frustrating one.

This interaction (posted without permission) is an example of what I am trying to say.

I wrote to Primary: 'My reactions to your email and texts has been poor because of comments like "the only way you are willing to have things be okay with [Secondary] is if his relationship with me *never makes him unavailable to you in any way*, which of course isn't really something I can work with anyway.)" That came across incredibly negative and makes me very defensive.'

Primary's response was, "I'm supposed to take all the angry/bitter/negative you send my way and never say anything negative-sounding back? That's an interesting double standard you've got there." 

I know it's really easy to cherry pick quotes to make Primary look bad. That isn't my intent, but this is typical of her communication. Obviously, there is a lot of animosity between the both of us. However, I simply don't know how to even start. I see no place to open a discussion. It feels like a wall, not a window. I am tried of trying to crack open walls. It's why I have given up trying to speak to her, because I feel like I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was open to conversation for a long time. At a certain point, I had to give up. I can't work in absolutes.

I haven't contacted Secondary in any way for over 24 hours. In that period of time I broke up with him. Now he probably knows, he can read this blog, he lives with my best friend, and he's not stupid.

However, I haven't told him. He told me that he wanted a two week period of absolutely no contact, so if I am respecting that,  I can't tell him that I have ended our relationship. I mean I could. I could text him, send him an e-mail, leave him a message, or hire a singing telegram. Just because he said a period of no contact doesn't mean that I have to oblige him. However, I ended the relationship, does it really matter when he learns about it or how he learns?

Absolutes have their place, but I feel that when you use them as a defense mechanism to avoid conflict and pain, you are removing another person's agency. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you need a break and would work best for you. I think telling someone, when you are in the middle of a fight, that you want a period of absolutely no contact gives the other person a wall.

Secondary did try to walk it back. I was talking to a friend about it last night and I said, "I don't understand what he was thinking to believe that cutting off all contact for an arbitrary amount of time was ever something acceptable."

Then I thought about it for a minute and realized that I had answered my own question, he hadn't been thinking.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you need to take some time for yourself. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you would prefer that contact be minimal. However if you want to make sure you drive someone away, communication like the example I gave with Primary or Secondary telling me that he needs 14 days of no contact is a dictate. It's taking agency from the person you are telling and taking it all for yourself.

I am not always a reasonable person, I know that. However Secondary and I already had separate plans for this coming weekend. It would have been easy if he had said, "I need some quiet time, with no contact."

Then I could have said, "All right, unless there is an emergency, how about we not talk until Monday night? We can check in and see if we need more time apart." Now I am not pushing back against a wall, I am able to address his needs while still knowing that I will have a chance to communicate in a few days."

In all fairness, Secondary said that he walked the two week declaration back.  I was so upset that I don't know if he was offering to walk back the timing (the two week period would start a day later) or if he was walking back the entire thing. We were supposed to discuss it last night, in person. Regrettably, Primary's e-mail arrived a few minutes after we agreed to discuss it. That's when I gave up.

I have given Secondary and Primary so many chances. However, I guess neither of them feel I am worthy of the same. They have their single story about me and nothing I do will get them to see me otherwise.

That's why I posted what I did yesterday. I am worthy. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve second chances. Mostly importantly, I don't deserve walls, I deserve windows. As my friend Chris said, a "break with no contact" is a coward's break up. All I did was take Secondary's waffling and turn it into something concrete. I solved the problem. I don't like the solution, but I did the best I could at making an absolute decision.

I also made sure I could not walk it back.