"I have confidence in confidence, I hope that hope pulls me through..."

My mother has a pinched nerve. She expects that I will come to see her this weekend. When I wouldn't commit to a day and time, she got angry with me. She had the nerve to ask if I had plans or tickets for this weekend. It didn't occur to her that I would just say no.

What is worse is I was texting with a friend when my mother called. My friend told me that they were willing to come down and offer some support. I foolishly said, "If you have something else [tonight], please don't miss it on my account."

I didn't mean it.

I didn't fucking mean it. I don't want to be alone. I want to cry and rage and have someone listen to me. (My husband had to work late tonight.)

My mother has no problem demanding that I come to help her. I couldn't admit to someone I have known for years that I need their love and support, even after they offered.

Regrettably, my mother called while my friend and I were talking. I could not explain to them that I needed them and that it was only my anxiety that prevented me from taking them up on their offer.

My friend lost their patience and withdrew their offer. I ended up alone and upset for most of the evening.

I am going to see my therapist tomorrow, hopefully we can discuss this.