"...And a trip to the house of pain"

I had a realization this past weekend. Being in a lot of pain makes my outlook incredibly negative. I know that might seem like an obvious thing to figure out. I am not a terribly positive person. It isn't how I was raised. I was told to expect things to go awry, then I'll never be disappointed.

However, being in pain has made my negative tendencies into negative traits. I don't like it. I don't like the way my brain is working. When I look back on things I have said and done over the past few weeks, I am ashamed. I know people understand, but that doesn't make my anger acceptable.

I know that pain is just one of those things that I am going to have to deal with. I can't take it out on other people. I can't take it out of myself. I have to accept that my bandwidth is going to be limited. I have to learn to disengage from situations that exacerbate my frustration and other negative feelings. 

I think the hardest thing is the effort it takes to go anywhere. I drove to Stockton. I was fine until about 5pm. I ended up with a headache and pain so bad that I could barely function once I arrived home. I know part of that is likely because I didn't feel like eating yesterday (lingering food poisoning). 

I just have to be very aware that if the pain gets too bad, I can deal with it, but once I have taken pain medication, I don't feel it's safe for me to drive. It makes planning activities a bit tricky. 

However this makes me feel very negatively, since I hate spending so much time alone. (Yes, I know the answer is to reach out to people and I have tried to do a bit of that.)

It's just difficult. I wake up in pain. I can't eat or drink anything for an hour upon waking because of the medication I have to take. So I can't take pain medication for nearly 80 minutes. It makes for an exhausting morning.

The pain also makes it really hard to get motivated to do anything, including being more positive. I guess I just keep trying.

Today's song is because of the phrase "house of pain". It's been running in my head all morning.