Bonus Entry: "When love and trust are gone..."

Hey, you clicked through, here is your schadenfreude fix for the day.

This is the relationship drama you are all expecting me to discuss. I have been in an on-again, off again relationship for quite a while. My friends, my therapist, and even my husband have all told me to just give up on this person. I know I should. They have hurt me repeatedly and like a good little doggie, I keep coming back for another round of their empty promises and meaningless apologies. I keep not taking that final step and cutting them out of my life, even though though it would be the best thing I could do for myself.


I know that my feelings for this person are no longer real, it's likely just addiction and habit. I regret every time things go wrong. I know I should stop. I know it is ruining my life. Things have been exceptionally bad this summer and the emotional toll is exacting a physical cost. I have had trouble sleeping, I have been nauseous and my emotional control has been tenuous at best. I think I have cried over them at least once per day for the past week, if not more. I can't remember the last time I was so hurt by someone and I didn't just leave. I don't understand why I haven't hit my breaking point. 


Due to circumstances beyond my control, I didn't get to chaperone the grad night trip to Disneyland in June. Anticipating the trip to Disneyland felt like the only thing getting me through a very difficult end to the school year. Not getting to go was devastating. My summer plans were originally centered around going to Bristol Ren Faire with a couple of friends and hopefully seeing some other friends in the midwest. Before I even began to make the plans, I found out that I was going to have rather extensive and expensive oral surgery. Between the difficulty caused by the dental issues and the original date of the surgery, I couldn't even consider going on a long trip out of state. When my surgery was moved up by a month, I realized that I could at least go to Disneyland for my birthday.


I made the plans. I booked the room. I bought the tickets. The on-again and off-again relationship seemed excited about going with me and offered to pay for their share of the package. Because of a number of factors, the hotel reservations are non-refundable. I would have to look, but the tickets I got as part of the package are good for 13 months from date of purchase, but if I don't show up at the Disneyland hotel on the appointed date, I am out the cost of the entire stay. (That would be the problem with booking a package that includes a hotel that routinely gets sold out during this time of year.) This snafu is all my fault.

You'd think that the on-again, off-again relationship would at least attempt to keep things peaceful and solid between us in the weeks leading up to the trip. Nope, in fact they couldn't make plans to see me last week. In order to see them, I had to cancel my plans and even that was a problem for them. To make things worse, they canceled our plans to see each other this week and didn't tell me until last Saturday night (after I had canceled my plans to see them). They explained that it was my fault, because I didn't clearly communicate about my needs and my plans. They canceled on me and made plans with the new girlfriend without actually telling me when they did so.  When I insisted that they should keep our original plans, their other girlfriend told them that if they canceled on her, she would no longer be a girlfriend, but would only be a "friend". They folded like a bad hand at poker and told me tough luck, they wouldn't see me until we went on the trip.

Yes, I should have canceled and dumped their ass right then. If I was willing to eat the cost, I know at least one person who was more than willing to go in their place. I came close. I talked about it last Saturday. I mentioned it again last Sunday. Hell, I even threatened to do cancel and dump them yesterday. I have said it. I have threatened it, but they don't believe I will actually do it. Why should they, I have let them fuck me over multiple times. Why is set of incidents any different?

I know what I should have done. I know what I should do. I should tell them to fuck off and then never talk to them again. Maybe I should tell them that I don't give a flying fuck what they have planned, they will figure out a way to make things up to me tonight and if they don't, I will scorch the earth and then some. But they can't, because the new girlfriend is supposed to see them tonight too and apparently her feelings are far more important than any I have.

I haven't done anything but cry. I can't think anymore. I can't eat. I can't sleep and I am so fucking miserable. I just wanted to go to Disneyland and have a good time. Now I have all this fucking relationship drama marring what was supposed to be a fun time. I regret that I made the reservations. I am resentful that I I am in this situation. I don't want to go on the trip with them after all this shit. I appreciate the offers of people willing to go with me. I've declined because I don't want to impose a pissed off and hurt me on anyone else either. It has been suggested that I could go alone, but in my current state, I think I would do something monumentally stupid. I woke up at 3am this morning and have been thinking about it since. I feel so worthless and stupid. I feel stuck.

I would be surprised if you all don't have some very specific feelings about all of this. I am not sure I want to know how poorly you might think of me. I think I just want to find a hole and crawl into it and never come back out.

But hey, I have a song that really embodies the stupid drama of it all.

"I think there's a flaw in my code..."

My therapist and I had a discussion about addiction recently. She noted that addicts play the victim. Everything wrong in their lives is usually someone else's fault. I have, until a few years ago, lived with one or more addicts. I have spoken at length how being the child of addiction has shaped my personality. "Not good enough..." has been the underlying driver behind how I feel about myself. I am not a good enough mother. I am not a good enough teacher. I am not a good enough to do the things I want to.

I have said that I'm an addict, just that my drug of choice is people. I am not sure I fit the actual definition of addiction. I do know that my life takes on a destructive path with certain people and despite knowing that a particular relationship or interaction is harmful, I keep trying to connect and "fix" the problems between me and the other person.

I know you are all expecting me to talk about someone I have been dating. I felt that this entry was too long, so I made it into it's own entry. (I won't be posting it on Facebook)

Recently I ran into someone I had not seen since 2003. Running into him has been frustrating. I don't know him particularly well, however he met me at a time in my life when I was vulnerable. He gave me advice that led to some very positive changes in my life. He also gave me advice about certain social groups that is still serving me very well. I didn't realize it until I saw him again, but he meant a lot to me. He was polite when we ran into each other, but I feel like he just doesn't understand why I am so interested in him now and remember our interactions so well. I think I make him uncomfortable. I am just some chick he was acquainted with some fifteen years ago.

I have to admit I never really knew this person well. I wouldn't say that I knew his girlfriend at the time very well either. She and I interacted more frequently, but that wasn't a positive thing. When I feel comfortable with a person, my filters go by the wayside. That was a mistake with this person. I made a joke  and I unknowingly triggered something very negative for this person. I wanted to make things better, but in pursuing an apology, I just made things worse and as I recall, the altercation between us escalated into a very public scene with shoving.

Any chance at a friendship that we may have had was ruined in that moment. The schism hurt our mutual friends and it made social events awkward. We managed to learn how to be around each other, but I am always very guarded. She has been a supportive person in my life. She gave me the idea to go to Disneyland when I was going through a real difficult time and I needed safe place for my family and me. I have tried to return the favor to the best of my ability. I appreciate everything she has done for me, but I don't feel that we are friends.

I mention these two people because running into the guy from 2003 when I met up with a new social group has been disconcerting. I am afraid that the social group is going to think poorly of me if I keep trying to interact with him. I suppose I could try and talk to him, but he doesn't feel the type to understand. I think it is best that I just leave him alone. (All or nothing thinking is very typical of addicts.)

As for his former girlfriend, she just announced that she is moving away from the area. I didn't think it would bother me, but I am still processing how I feel about it. I didn't think I would really care, we have mostly avoided each other. But, I do care. I guess I still want that apology to be accepted and for us to be friends.

I used to think that I only got obsessed with people that I wanted romantically. I realize that anyone I want to like me gets a flavor of my focus and obsession. The woman I mentioned above, her ex-boyfriend. There is my mentor at work, who I always think doesn't really like me. I am beginning to recognize that the reason I don't reach out to people is because I am deeply afraid that they don't really like me, even if there is considerable evidence to the contrary.

This has given me a lot to ponder.

I heard today's song on Spotify. It seemed very apt.

"But if it wasn't for your misfortune, I'd be a heavenly person today..."

I can't sleep. I think it's because so much of the medicine I have been taking recently makes me sleepy so my body forgot how to regulate my sleep properly. I barely slept Saturday night and I ended up falling asleep during the movie I went to see with my husband yesterday. I am sleeping just as poorly tonight. I got an idea in my head and I am hoping that writing it out will allow me to grab at least one more sleep cycle before I have to drive to Stanford for the seminar I'm attending this week.

There is a study concept in AP Psychology that is called "confusing pairs". The ideas is that there are concepts in Psychology that students are likely to conflate, so I have them make sure they understand both terms and how they are similar and more importantly, how they are different. An example would be from the biological unit about the brain. The students learn about "Broca’s Area (makes words) vs. Wernicke’s Area (comprehends words)"

I thought about it and I decided that I have some confusing pairs of my own.

1. Polyamory vs. Ethical Non-monogamy - Polyamory (in my opinion) is when a person engages in multiple loving relationships. While the parameters of the relationship might be different from person to person and relationship to relationship, the key is that the interaction is based around a loving and positive dynamic. Non-Monogamy is when a person has relationships (usually sexual) with multiple people and is honest and forthcoming about it. Those relationships could be involve just sexual contact or could be a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement.

I feel that my husband and I are polyamorous. We are in a loving relationship. When I get involved in an outside relationship, it is openly discussed before I engage in any sort of activity with a potential new person. I fully recognize that I am not great at polyamory. Insecurity and poly are a toxic combination. However, my husband has been willing to work with me and is understanding of the support I need.

2.  Public Online Space vs. Private Online Space - Public Online Space is one in which anyone on the internet can find the content given the right search terms. A private online space is one in which access is limited by login or other methods of restricting access to content.

My Facebook is mostly friends only. I have no illusions that means that my content is "safe" and can't be shared by people who don't respect that I keep things "friends only". However, if you aren't on my friends' list, you can't see most of the content I post. My blog is public because Blogger is public. I worried about that for a while, but I know how many people are reading my blog on a given day. I don't post personal information and I do my best to be ambiguous.

If you know me, you can probably guess who I am talking about. I try to make sure that I am clear that this is my space to post about my feelings. I process. I vent. I rant. If anyone takes a damn thing I say as truth, an attack, or just takes it personally, they are invited to go elsewhere. I am not going to filter to make someone else be happy. I don't say things like "John Smith of Oakland, CA, who lives on MacArthur is a horrible person and should be shunned by all of you." (As a note, I don't think I actually know a John Smith.)

Planning vs. Scheduling - Planning is saying something like,"Hey, I would like to go to Disneyland in early January before they take the Christmas decorations down." It's a vague idea and there are no obligations placed on anyone. (By the way, I want to go to Disneyland to see the Christmas decorations on January 4-6, 2019, let me know if you would be interested.)

Scheduling is when people pull out their calendars and set dates. Once those dates are agreed to, changing or canceling the plan needs to be clearly communicated. There are obligations and unless everyone agrees that the change or cancelation has been clearly communicated, that plan is set in stone (barring a clear emergency or circumstances beyond someone's control.) It's something I hate about this online world I live in. We have so many ways of recording dates in our calendars, but just as many ways to miscommunicate. I am of the opinion that when two or more people schedule something, the cancellation needs to be communicated clearly and confirmed between all involved. One cannot make alternate plans until everyone agrees the original plans are canceled. I am not saying that plans can't be changed or rescheduled. I believe that it is important to make the effort to confirm a cancelation or a change with the original person before planning with someone else. A scheduled date is an obligation and should be treated as such, not thrown away because it became inconvenient.

Relationship vs. Friendship - A relationship is one where the person and I share intimacy and make time for each other. A relationship is a two-way street and has some implied obligations to the other person. Examples would be support during a difficult time, celebrating birthdays, or canceling plans because the relationship partner's needs are more important. Continued neglect of a relationship is a good way to ruin it and lose the friendship that started it.

A friendship is many things. I believe it is considering the friend's feelings. I think it is supportive. I think that it can be affectionate and in some cases even intimate. I think a friend helps in a time of need (provided that they can). A friend offers support. A friend will share parts of themselves and want to be shared with.  I feel that a friendship is a relationship, but the difference for me is that I would hope that a friend would understand if I had to drop everything for a relationship. I would certainly appreciate it if my friends would join me for my birthday or plan an outing with me. But I think my friends know that I go through periods where I am not up to being a good friend and forgive me for it.

If I am in a relationship, I can't simply neglect the needs of my partner(s) because life is difficult or because something more interesting comes along. That's just being a shitty person and is a good way to get my ass dumped. However, in a solid relationship, I can tell my partner(s) that my life is difficult or that I am distracted by something and with open and honest communication, find a compromise that shows how important the relationship is to me, even if life is difficult or I get distracted by a shiny new person. I am not great at poly, but if there is anything I think I have improved its how much better my husband and I communicate, even when things suck. My husband has always been a wonderful partner for me (I married the guy and have been with him longer than any other relationship I have been in). Last night, he held me and said all the right things when I needed it most. I realized that is the wonder of a long term relationship, someone who loves you, cares for you and on whom you can rely on is so much better than anything that is new and shiny.

I am going to a seminar that is very important to me and that I have been anticipating for months. Instead of being excited about it, I am emotionally bereft and exhausted. Obviously this post was inspired by a number of things. I got an e-mail that just took a giant shit all over me and it was out of the blue. I had plans canceled on me, again, because of a misunderstanding and a lack of communication from the other person. I have a person with whom I thought I had a relationship and I have been shown that my feelings don't matter to them, that they would rather pursue new and shiny.

There was some good this past weekend, but mostly there was a whole lot of shit that I really didn't need fucking up this coming week. This seminar is important to me and my birthday is Friday. I wanted this to be a good week and it's starting out crappy. I am hoping that I can make my life better, in spite of what was dumped on me the past few days.

Today's song "Blue Monday" is very apt. It's probably a repeat, but it's after 5am and I hoping to get some sleep. If I want to avoid song repeats, I suppose I should keep a list of all the ones I have used.

"You couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine..."

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

 - Dita Von Tease

I went on my date on Wednesday night. It was not unpleasant, but it was not what I hoped for. I didn't feel much of a click. We parted amicably enough as we both had plans. He told me that he would text me in a couple of days.

I was flattered when he texted back about an later, but I didn't respond. His text didn't ask any questions and I had said that I would be engaged.  He sent a couple of other texts, again not asking any questions. I know that he keeps an early schedule, so I didn't want to text him when I was available as it was after his declared quiet time. I am concerned that he assumed my lack of contact meant a change of heart when it was only a few hours. However, why did he say that he would text me in a couple of days? Why say that and then text me an hour later?

I just don't understand some people.

However, I do understand how much silence hurts. I know how frustrating silence can be. I know the horrible thoughts that can fester between sending a text or an e-mail and waiting for an answer. Insecurity feeds upon itself. The longer it festers, the worse it becomes. 

I have cognitive behavioral exercises that I am supposed to use when my insecurities take on a life of their own. I try to do them. I am really horrible at it. It always feel like I am saying, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" It doesn't feel real and repeating it to myself just makes it feel like I am lying to myself. 

It is even harder when the only feedback you receive from someone is negative. It's hard to appreciate a few positive answers when I feel like I mostly receive negative ones. At a certain point, I stop asking. In the scenario above, if I texted someone and they didn't reply, I wouldn't make any assumptions. I wouldn't keep contacting them. I would simply stop. I might hope that they would reply, but if they didn't I wouldn't really pursue the matter. What is the point? I learned a long time ago that life is too short for chasing after someone who doesn't reciprocate.

I don't mean to say that I never do it. However, I have regretted just about every time I have. A number of years ago, I was chatting with an on again, off again, play partner. As this was so long ago, I am recounting my recollection and the following should not be considered an accurate transcript. 

Play Partner:  "Hi, How are you?"

Me:  "I've been recovering from my flu, you?"

PP:  I'm doing all right, busy at work. I am really worried about this coming weekend. It feels like everything will just fall apart."

Me: We're supposed to see each other this weekend. Is there something I can do to help?

PP: I have just made so many changes to accommodate everyone, I am worried that something will go wrong and that will fuck up the entire weekend. 

Me: Well if you are so busy, we can cancel some or all of our plans.

PP: Hmm, I guess that could work. You don't mind?

Me: Of course I mind. I have been sick for the past two weeks and you are the first person I had planned to see. However, since you are too busy to see me after a nearly two week hiatus, I think it's probably best that I don't waste my time or yours. 

I had to push to get the time with them, as I recall. It didn't feel good to hear the day before we were scheduled to get together that they were worried about their busy weekend instead of telling me how glad they were that I was feeling well enough to make plans and had chosen to make plans with them.

Now I know that was the wrong response. I knew it as soon as I wrote it. However, I am not really sympathetic to someone chooses to overbook their calendar and then complains about it to me after I haven't seen them in a couple of weeks. If PP was complaining, they must have wanted a solution, right? The only solution I could offer is to reschedule or remove myself from their busy life. If that isn't the result the PP wanted, then I don't put me in the position of hearing about how impacted a schedule is and leave me feeling like I am expected me to do something about it.

Maybe I am the one who was wrong, but nothing makes me feel less valued than when someone implies that they are doing me a favor by making time to see me. Either a person wants to see me and is happy to make the time and expend the effort or they are not. If they aren't, then I simply stop making plans with them. They become someone I stop setting aside time for. 

I stopped asking for time with PP and they got frustrated with me. They complained that they could never make plans with me anymore. When I was active, I would tell them, "I have the following days available, which one will work for you. When I stopped doing that, I got their version of making plans. PP would contact me on a Thursday evening and ask  to see me the next day.. They had someone else cancel and so offered me the time. If it had happened once or if I had never told them that my own calendar rarely had that sort of freedom, it might not have been so frustrating. But at that time, making plans meant a babysitter, making sure everything was dealt with and settled so I could leave the house without worrying about an emergency. I couldn't make plans on 24 hours notice and while PP was not a parent, I thought they understood. However, once I stopped making the active effort, I realized that they never had. I feel like they assumed that everyone in their polycule could move schedules around and it wouldn't be a problem. (I believe I was the only parent, but don't quote me on that.)

This was a number of years ago. I was working full time, I was raising my children, and yet I managed to hold space for them in my busy schedule.  I suppose my approach to my poly life is partly why I write such good substitute plans, I have been doing so since my kids were very young. I didn't chase. I didn't plead. I just stopped making time for them and so PP and I stopped seeing each other. 

I really liked PP. Regrettably, I met them at a time when they became involved with an extended polycule. PP and I had been on a few dates, but they did not keep me informed about their new relationships or whether they just needed some time to sort things out. I felt neglected and after letting them know and getting only excuses. I stopped contacting them. I don't care if you are monogamous or in a polycule of 25 people. I feel that if you are dating someone and your other relationships change, you should communicate with everyone honestly and openly while considering the needs of the person you are dating. I do not feel that PP did any of that.

Since I felt that PP was not honest or forthcoming, I invested my time in other friendships and relationships that made me feel valued. I regret that the relationship did not work out, PP is cool people. I have never regretted not chasing after someone that did not make me feel important.

You might be asking, "didn't my recent date make me feel important?" They are obviously interested, yes? I considered that. However, we both knew that the other had plans after our coffee date. I realize that they might not understand that when I say "plans", I mean that I will answer texts if I can, but the plans are my priority, not my phone. I used to be way too chained to my devices and I am trying to get better about letting a text or a message wait until I am not otherwise engaged. If I don't respect my time, no one else will. When I was with my recent date, I did not look at my phone and I gave them my full attention. Once our date was over, I shifted my priorities to my next activity and so I didn't worry about answering their texts. 

My calendar is far more flexible than it used to be. My children are grown and at the moment, I have only one serious relationship. Everything else in my life are plans that vary from week to week. I don't hold time for anyone and thus I can do things on much shorter notice. I admit, I haven't been as good at keeping my calendar as I used to be. On the other hand, who is there to make sure I make time for, other than my husband?

If I get into another serious relationship, I I need to make sure I communicate my scheduling expectations with any future partners. If I don't feel valued, I need to tell them I will give up and walk away. Part of feeling valued is knowing that someone will make time for me whether it is one day a month, or one day a week or whatever. The other thing is that if my relationship status changes, I will tell everyone I am involved with. If the person I am seeing changes aother relationship in such a way where our dating life will be altered, I expect they will tell me, promptly and in a way that is considerate of my feelings, not some text that where they mention a new lover in passing. (Not that anyone with an iota of consideration would do that, right?)

I don't want to chase, plead, or beg to see someone. I understand that I won't always get to see someone when I want. There will always be work obligations, family trips, and other reasons that we will have to skip seeing each other. However, if I feel like I am begging for time week after week, I am going to stop bothering to make time. If I feel like the person is complaining about their busy schedule or expects me to drop everything just because they texted, I won't be in that relationship.

Because of a number of events this week, I wasn't feeling terribly good about myself last night. I don't feel I was dressed to impress. I don't believe I was at my best socially. In fact, I basically planted myself in a seat and didn't really talk much. I was stunned when people talked to me, someone I had met before bought me a drink. I ended up staying later than I usually do and I felt much better than when I arrived. The people last night might not be folks I end up in long term relationships with, but I need to remember that there are plenty of people in the world who are kind and considerate and make me feel valued.

I don't have to tolerate the ones who don't.

Today's song is about remembering that a doormat is someone who lays down and accepts being walked all over.

Edited at 15:40 due to grammar and clarity.

"Every day I fight a war against the mirror..."

I have always been insecure. I know I have discussed this before. Nothing was ever good enough for my parents. I was never smart enough or worked hard enough. I can't remember my family ever telling me I was pretty or telling me I was worthwhile. I am sure they must have, but my memories are mostly negative ones.

It is really difficult for me to get over the feeling that I’m not good enough. The insecurity is really pervasive. It was only recently that I started getting manicures and pedicures on a somewhat regular basis. They seem like such an indulgence and one I don't deserve. If I am honest, I can say that I justify the expense because I know the best thing I can do as a diabetic (other than really watch my diet) is to take care of my feet. Despite the fact I know that Type II Diabetes is a genetic condition and I did not get the disease because I was a bad person who ate too much cake, I still feel guilty about having this problem because even though I managed to delay the onset, I still ended up getting it.

If I were worthy, I would not have the problems that I do. Regardless of what my problems are, I should not impose them on anyone else.

One of the hardest things about being poly is not letting the fear that I’m simply not good enough harm my relationships. I wish I had some magical formula that I could impart to others, but I don’t. There are some relationships that have gone swimmingly. I’m rarely jealous or insecure. I treasure those relationships and I am glad to say that my marriage is such a relationship.

There are the other relationships that eat away at my soul. They play havoc with my insecurities and I become the sort of person I hate. Psycho Rachel, as she was named many years ago, was the result of a toxic relationship and years of my parents treatment. She is an attention whore, a drama queen, verbally abusive, and angry. She is someone who is incredibly unpleasant to be around. I do my best not to impose her on others. 

The problem is that that anytime I stand up for myself, insist on having my boundaries respected or if I am just not pleasant and pliable, I think I am being that crazy and unpleasant person. I have trouble figuring out the difference between standing my ground and being too demanding.

I’ve learned to suppress Psycho Rachel. I endeavor to keep her locked behind walls and kept in the deepest darkest dungeon of my soul. When I feel like she is likely to escape, I retreat and hide myself in books, video games, and television. 

If that doesn’t work, I start cutting people out of my life and ghost. How do I explain that they are triggering my insecurities? Why would they care or be willing to change anything because I’m uncomfortable? I just figure they will be happier without me. I know that nobody wants Psycho Rachel around. I learned that lesson very well when I was 21 and I have never forgotten it.  

Even when people reach out, Psycho Rachel doesn't respond well. If I feel like she's running the show just easier to let the relationship go, along with whatever hobbies or social groups I shared with them. 

While I have never lived outside of Northern California, I sometimes feel like a perpetual wanderer, never finding a permanent home. I do have friends that have been in my life for years, but there are many groups I have let go because a relationship went poorly and it was easier for me to give up the entire group.

My therapist and I have discussed this issue extensively. We agree that much of this is based around my social anxiety and my upbringing. I have found that much of my behavior is textbook typical for people raised in families with substance abuse. While it's nice to know the reason, that doesn't make this any easier.

I sometimes think I should just get a tattoo that says “contents extremely fragile, engage with caution.”

I am planning to go the Disneyland for my birthday. I made plans with a friend to share the trip. I feel like this person has not acted like much of a friend recently. I currently regret that I made non-refundable reservations, because it would be easier to cancel. I feel that things would be better if we could talk in person; however we cannot align our schedules until next week without one of us changing our plans. We are both stubborn and neither of us seems willing to relent. This is making feel even less like they care about me or my feelings. (I believe I am usually the flexible one in this relationship, I don't want to give up my plans because of poor planning on their part.)

I don’t know what is a reasonable expectation, what is me being crazy and what is me just fed up and angry. My insecurities are in full swing and Psycho Rachel has broken free and is roaming the mental premises. I’m wondering if I should just see if someone else would like to go with me. However, my insecurities tell me that no one would want to on such short notice. 

Full disclosure, the friend knows about the blog and has read it in the past. I have already communicated my concerns about our upcoming trip to Disneyland and my frustration with their recent actions. 

The best I came up with is to push them away and not talk to them until next week, be patient and see if some processing time will help me decide if I really want to cancel on them or suck up my anger and go on the trip and hope things resolve themselves.

Mostly, though, I just feel stupid and worthless and it just keeps getting worse and worse.

Today's song seemed pretty obvious.

"Twenty years has gone so fast..."

This is my 200th post!

Between the dental surgery and recovery, I haven't been up to much in the way of self-reflection. In fact that is what I am thinking about right now. What am I able to do?

I went to a BBQ on Saturday. I had a fairly good time. My social anxiety didn't hit me too hard. However, on Sunday I was absolutely exhausted. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I mostly kept to myself and just binge watched television.

I woke up today and I was still really tired. Visiting my mother is difficult at the best of times, but today it was agonizing. Thankfully my son came along and helped me cope with her. I made it home and collapsed into my chair.

I am going on a first date tomorrow evening. It's coffee and it's not far away. It is the only thing I have scheduled for tomorrow, although if I am up to it, there is a social gathering I can attend. However, it would require more driving. I am tired of being at home alone. However, after Saturday, I am scared of the mental cost.

I have no plans for Wednesday and my Thursday plans are only for the evening. I have an invitation to attend a party on Saturday night, but I'm afraid that if I plan to attend that, I will be giving up any activities for Friday and Sunday. On the other hand, it isn't like I have any plans for Friday or Sunday, so I might as well go with the opportunity presented on Saturday (since it needs an RSVP by tomorrow).

There is also the fear that no one is going to want to spend time with me if all I can do is sit like a lump and hope I don't drift off to sleep.

I know that this is temporary and that taking it easy this week will make it possible for me to go to the seminar at Stanford I have been anticipating all summer. I know taking it easy right now makes it possible to enjoy my birthday plans next weekend.

However, it is just humbling and frustrating to be reminded that I cannot always do the things that I want to. As I am going forward, I will have to carefully consider the opportunity cost of anything I want to do.

If anyone has found a better definition of adulting, I don't know it.

I am feeling really melancholy, so I guess I'll resort to a little Green Day (which they play on my local classic rock station. When did Green Day become classic rock?)

"Maybe I'm just too demanding..."

I feel like I need to start playing texting bingo!

Do I take something the wrong way? B
Do I have an unreasonable expectation? I
Do I get another meaningless apology? N
Do I get told that this is a bad time to talk? G
Do I respond in a way that will result in hours or days of silence? O

B I N G O

Texting Bingo Cards for your own amusement.

I have long distance relationships that are perfectly functional. These relationships are mostly talk based. We talk, exchange information and communicate about things stupid and heavy. The few times that there have been problems, they were resolved without incident. I have felt supported and given support in exchange.

I did not have one of those wonderful exchanges today. Instead I had one where I played texting bingo and checked off way too many bingos.

I heard this today and couldn't think of a better song or a better version to epitomize how I am feeling all about this. I don't believe I ever understood this song before.

"...And a trip to the house of pain"

I had a realization this past weekend. Being in a lot of pain makes my outlook incredibly negative. I know that might seem like an obvious thing to figure out. I am not a terribly positive person. It isn't how I was raised. I was told to expect things to go awry, then I'll never be disappointed.

However, being in pain has made my negative tendencies into negative traits. I don't like it. I don't like the way my brain is working. When I look back on things I have said and done over the past few weeks, I am ashamed. I know people understand, but that doesn't make my anger acceptable.

I know that pain is just one of those things that I am going to have to deal with. I can't take it out on other people. I can't take it out of myself. I have to accept that my bandwidth is going to be limited. I have to learn to disengage from situations that exacerbate my frustration and other negative feelings. 

I think the hardest thing is the effort it takes to go anywhere. I drove to Stockton. I was fine until about 5pm. I ended up with a headache and pain so bad that I could barely function once I arrived home. I know part of that is likely because I didn't feel like eating yesterday (lingering food poisoning). 

I just have to be very aware that if the pain gets too bad, I can deal with it, but once I have taken pain medication, I don't feel it's safe for me to drive. It makes planning activities a bit tricky. 

However this makes me feel very negatively, since I hate spending so much time alone. (Yes, I know the answer is to reach out to people and I have tried to do a bit of that.)

It's just difficult. I wake up in pain. I can't eat or drink anything for an hour upon waking because of the medication I have to take. So I can't take pain medication for nearly 80 minutes. It makes for an exhausting morning.

The pain also makes it really hard to get motivated to do anything, including being more positive. I guess I just keep trying.

Today's song is because of the phrase "house of pain". It's been running in my head all morning.