"I think there's a flaw in my code..."

My therapist and I had a discussion about addiction recently. She noted that addicts play the victim. Everything wrong in their lives is usually someone else's fault. I have, until a few years ago, lived with one or more addicts. I have spoken at length how being the child of addiction has shaped my personality. "Not good enough..." has been the underlying driver behind how I feel about myself. I am not a good enough mother. I am not a good enough teacher. I am not a good enough to do the things I want to.

I have said that I'm an addict, just that my drug of choice is people. I am not sure I fit the actual definition of addiction. I do know that my life takes on a destructive path with certain people and despite knowing that a particular relationship or interaction is harmful, I keep trying to connect and "fix" the problems between me and the other person.

I know you are all expecting me to talk about someone I have been dating. I felt that this entry was too long, so I made it into it's own entry. (I won't be posting it on Facebook)

Recently I ran into someone I had not seen since 2003. Running into him has been frustrating. I don't know him particularly well, however he met me at a time in my life when I was vulnerable. He gave me advice that led to some very positive changes in my life. He also gave me advice about certain social groups that is still serving me very well. I didn't realize it until I saw him again, but he meant a lot to me. He was polite when we ran into each other, but I feel like he just doesn't understand why I am so interested in him now and remember our interactions so well. I think I make him uncomfortable. I am just some chick he was acquainted with some fifteen years ago.

I have to admit I never really knew this person well. I wouldn't say that I knew his girlfriend at the time very well either. She and I interacted more frequently, but that wasn't a positive thing. When I feel comfortable with a person, my filters go by the wayside. That was a mistake with this person. I made a joke  and I unknowingly triggered something very negative for this person. I wanted to make things better, but in pursuing an apology, I just made things worse and as I recall, the altercation between us escalated into a very public scene with shoving.

Any chance at a friendship that we may have had was ruined in that moment. The schism hurt our mutual friends and it made social events awkward. We managed to learn how to be around each other, but I am always very guarded. She has been a supportive person in my life. She gave me the idea to go to Disneyland when I was going through a real difficult time and I needed safe place for my family and me. I have tried to return the favor to the best of my ability. I appreciate everything she has done for me, but I don't feel that we are friends.

I mention these two people because running into the guy from 2003 when I met up with a new social group has been disconcerting. I am afraid that the social group is going to think poorly of me if I keep trying to interact with him. I suppose I could try and talk to him, but he doesn't feel the type to understand. I think it is best that I just leave him alone. (All or nothing thinking is very typical of addicts.)

As for his former girlfriend, she just announced that she is moving away from the area. I didn't think it would bother me, but I am still processing how I feel about it. I didn't think I would really care, we have mostly avoided each other. But, I do care. I guess I still want that apology to be accepted and for us to be friends.

I used to think that I only got obsessed with people that I wanted romantically. I realize that anyone I want to like me gets a flavor of my focus and obsession. The woman I mentioned above, her ex-boyfriend. There is my mentor at work, who I always think doesn't really like me. I am beginning to recognize that the reason I don't reach out to people is because I am deeply afraid that they don't really like me, even if there is considerable evidence to the contrary.

This has given me a lot to ponder.

I heard today's song on Spotify. It seemed very apt.