"Twenty years has gone so fast..."

This is my 200th post!

Between the dental surgery and recovery, I haven't been up to much in the way of self-reflection. In fact that is what I am thinking about right now. What am I able to do?

I went to a BBQ on Saturday. I had a fairly good time. My social anxiety didn't hit me too hard. However, on Sunday I was absolutely exhausted. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I mostly kept to myself and just binge watched television.

I woke up today and I was still really tired. Visiting my mother is difficult at the best of times, but today it was agonizing. Thankfully my son came along and helped me cope with her. I made it home and collapsed into my chair.

I am going on a first date tomorrow evening. It's coffee and it's not far away. It is the only thing I have scheduled for tomorrow, although if I am up to it, there is a social gathering I can attend. However, it would require more driving. I am tired of being at home alone. However, after Saturday, I am scared of the mental cost.

I have no plans for Wednesday and my Thursday plans are only for the evening. I have an invitation to attend a party on Saturday night, but I'm afraid that if I plan to attend that, I will be giving up any activities for Friday and Sunday. On the other hand, it isn't like I have any plans for Friday or Sunday, so I might as well go with the opportunity presented on Saturday (since it needs an RSVP by tomorrow).

There is also the fear that no one is going to want to spend time with me if all I can do is sit like a lump and hope I don't drift off to sleep.

I know that this is temporary and that taking it easy this week will make it possible for me to go to the seminar at Stanford I have been anticipating all summer. I know taking it easy right now makes it possible to enjoy my birthday plans next weekend.

However, it is just humbling and frustrating to be reminded that I cannot always do the things that I want to. As I am going forward, I will have to carefully consider the opportunity cost of anything I want to do.

If anyone has found a better definition of adulting, I don't know it.

I am feeling really melancholy, so I guess I'll resort to a little Green Day (which they play on my local classic rock station. When did Green Day become classic rock?)