"You couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine..."

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

 - Dita Von Tease

I went on my date on Wednesday night. It was not unpleasant, but it was not what I hoped for. I didn't feel much of a click. We parted amicably enough as we both had plans. He told me that he would text me in a couple of days.

I was flattered when he texted back about an later, but I didn't respond. His text didn't ask any questions and I had said that I would be engaged.  He sent a couple of other texts, again not asking any questions. I know that he keeps an early schedule, so I didn't want to text him when I was available as it was after his declared quiet time. I am concerned that he assumed my lack of contact meant a change of heart when it was only a few hours. However, why did he say that he would text me in a couple of days? Why say that and then text me an hour later?

I just don't understand some people.

However, I do understand how much silence hurts. I know how frustrating silence can be. I know the horrible thoughts that can fester between sending a text or an e-mail and waiting for an answer. Insecurity feeds upon itself. The longer it festers, the worse it becomes. 

I have cognitive behavioral exercises that I am supposed to use when my insecurities take on a life of their own. I try to do them. I am really horrible at it. It always feel like I am saying, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" It doesn't feel real and repeating it to myself just makes it feel like I am lying to myself. 

It is even harder when the only feedback you receive from someone is negative. It's hard to appreciate a few positive answers when I feel like I mostly receive negative ones. At a certain point, I stop asking. In the scenario above, if I texted someone and they didn't reply, I wouldn't make any assumptions. I wouldn't keep contacting them. I would simply stop. I might hope that they would reply, but if they didn't I wouldn't really pursue the matter. What is the point? I learned a long time ago that life is too short for chasing after someone who doesn't reciprocate.

I don't mean to say that I never do it. However, I have regretted just about every time I have. A number of years ago, I was chatting with an on again, off again, play partner. As this was so long ago, I am recounting my recollection and the following should not be considered an accurate transcript. 

Play Partner:  "Hi, How are you?"

Me:  "I've been recovering from my flu, you?"

PP:  I'm doing all right, busy at work. I am really worried about this coming weekend. It feels like everything will just fall apart."

Me: We're supposed to see each other this weekend. Is there something I can do to help?

PP: I have just made so many changes to accommodate everyone, I am worried that something will go wrong and that will fuck up the entire weekend. 

Me: Well if you are so busy, we can cancel some or all of our plans.

PP: Hmm, I guess that could work. You don't mind?

Me: Of course I mind. I have been sick for the past two weeks and you are the first person I had planned to see. However, since you are too busy to see me after a nearly two week hiatus, I think it's probably best that I don't waste my time or yours. 

I had to push to get the time with them, as I recall. It didn't feel good to hear the day before we were scheduled to get together that they were worried about their busy weekend instead of telling me how glad they were that I was feeling well enough to make plans and had chosen to make plans with them.

Now I know that was the wrong response. I knew it as soon as I wrote it. However, I am not really sympathetic to someone chooses to overbook their calendar and then complains about it to me after I haven't seen them in a couple of weeks. If PP was complaining, they must have wanted a solution, right? The only solution I could offer is to reschedule or remove myself from their busy life. If that isn't the result the PP wanted, then I don't put me in the position of hearing about how impacted a schedule is and leave me feeling like I am expected me to do something about it.

Maybe I am the one who was wrong, but nothing makes me feel less valued than when someone implies that they are doing me a favor by making time to see me. Either a person wants to see me and is happy to make the time and expend the effort or they are not. If they aren't, then I simply stop making plans with them. They become someone I stop setting aside time for. 

I stopped asking for time with PP and they got frustrated with me. They complained that they could never make plans with me anymore. When I was active, I would tell them, "I have the following days available, which one will work for you. When I stopped doing that, I got their version of making plans. PP would contact me on a Thursday evening and ask  to see me the next day.. They had someone else cancel and so offered me the time. If it had happened once or if I had never told them that my own calendar rarely had that sort of freedom, it might not have been so frustrating. But at that time, making plans meant a babysitter, making sure everything was dealt with and settled so I could leave the house without worrying about an emergency. I couldn't make plans on 24 hours notice and while PP was not a parent, I thought they understood. However, once I stopped making the active effort, I realized that they never had. I feel like they assumed that everyone in their polycule could move schedules around and it wouldn't be a problem. (I believe I was the only parent, but don't quote me on that.)

This was a number of years ago. I was working full time, I was raising my children, and yet I managed to hold space for them in my busy schedule.  I suppose my approach to my poly life is partly why I write such good substitute plans, I have been doing so since my kids were very young. I didn't chase. I didn't plead. I just stopped making time for them and so PP and I stopped seeing each other. 

I really liked PP. Regrettably, I met them at a time when they became involved with an extended polycule. PP and I had been on a few dates, but they did not keep me informed about their new relationships or whether they just needed some time to sort things out. I felt neglected and after letting them know and getting only excuses. I stopped contacting them. I don't care if you are monogamous or in a polycule of 25 people. I feel that if you are dating someone and your other relationships change, you should communicate with everyone honestly and openly while considering the needs of the person you are dating. I do not feel that PP did any of that.

Since I felt that PP was not honest or forthcoming, I invested my time in other friendships and relationships that made me feel valued. I regret that the relationship did not work out, PP is cool people. I have never regretted not chasing after someone that did not make me feel important.

You might be asking, "didn't my recent date make me feel important?" They are obviously interested, yes? I considered that. However, we both knew that the other had plans after our coffee date. I realize that they might not understand that when I say "plans", I mean that I will answer texts if I can, but the plans are my priority, not my phone. I used to be way too chained to my devices and I am trying to get better about letting a text or a message wait until I am not otherwise engaged. If I don't respect my time, no one else will. When I was with my recent date, I did not look at my phone and I gave them my full attention. Once our date was over, I shifted my priorities to my next activity and so I didn't worry about answering their texts. 

My calendar is far more flexible than it used to be. My children are grown and at the moment, I have only one serious relationship. Everything else in my life are plans that vary from week to week. I don't hold time for anyone and thus I can do things on much shorter notice. I admit, I haven't been as good at keeping my calendar as I used to be. On the other hand, who is there to make sure I make time for, other than my husband?

If I get into another serious relationship, I I need to make sure I communicate my scheduling expectations with any future partners. If I don't feel valued, I need to tell them I will give up and walk away. Part of feeling valued is knowing that someone will make time for me whether it is one day a month, or one day a week or whatever. The other thing is that if my relationship status changes, I will tell everyone I am involved with. If the person I am seeing changes aother relationship in such a way where our dating life will be altered, I expect they will tell me, promptly and in a way that is considerate of my feelings, not some text that where they mention a new lover in passing. (Not that anyone with an iota of consideration would do that, right?)

I don't want to chase, plead, or beg to see someone. I understand that I won't always get to see someone when I want. There will always be work obligations, family trips, and other reasons that we will have to skip seeing each other. However, if I feel like I am begging for time week after week, I am going to stop bothering to make time. If I feel like the person is complaining about their busy schedule or expects me to drop everything just because they texted, I won't be in that relationship.

Because of a number of events this week, I wasn't feeling terribly good about myself last night. I don't feel I was dressed to impress. I don't believe I was at my best socially. In fact, I basically planted myself in a seat and didn't really talk much. I was stunned when people talked to me, someone I had met before bought me a drink. I ended up staying later than I usually do and I felt much better than when I arrived. The people last night might not be folks I end up in long term relationships with, but I need to remember that there are plenty of people in the world who are kind and considerate and make me feel valued.

I don't have to tolerate the ones who don't.

Today's song is about remembering that a doormat is someone who lays down and accepts being walked all over.

Edited at 15:40 due to grammar and clarity.