This is the relationship drama you are all expecting me to discuss. I have been in an on-again, off again relationship for quite a while. My friends, my therapist, and even my husband have all told me to just give up on this person. I know I should. They have hurt me repeatedly and like a good little doggie, I keep coming back for another round of their empty promises and meaningless apologies. I keep not taking that final step and cutting them out of my life, even though though it would be the best thing I could do for myself.
I know that my feelings for this person are no longer real, it's likely just addiction and habit. I regret every time things go wrong. I know I should stop. I know it is ruining my life. Things have been exceptionally bad this summer and the emotional toll is exacting a physical cost. I have had trouble sleeping, I have been nauseous and my emotional control has been tenuous at best. I think I have cried over them at least once per day for the past week, if not more. I can't remember the last time I was so hurt by someone and I didn't just leave. I don't understand why I haven't hit my breaking point.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I didn't get to chaperone the grad night trip to Disneyland in June. Anticipating the trip to Disneyland felt like the only thing getting me through a very difficult end to the school year. Not getting to go was devastating. My summer plans were originally centered around going to Bristol Ren Faire with a couple of friends and hopefully seeing some other friends in the midwest. Before I even began to make the plans, I found out that I was going to have rather extensive and expensive oral surgery. Between the difficulty caused by the dental issues and the original date of the surgery, I couldn't even consider going on a long trip out of state. When my surgery was moved up by a month, I realized that I could at least go to Disneyland for my birthday.
I made the plans. I booked the room. I bought the tickets. The on-again and off-again relationship seemed excited about going with me and offered to pay for their share of the package. Because of a number of factors, the hotel reservations are non-refundable. I would have to look, but the tickets I got as part of the package are good for 13 months from date of purchase, but if I don't show up at the Disneyland hotel on the appointed date, I am out the cost of the entire stay. (That would be the problem with booking a package that includes a hotel that routinely gets sold out during this time of year.) This snafu is all my fault.
You'd think that the on-again, off-again relationship would at least attempt to keep things peaceful and solid between us in the weeks leading up to the trip. Nope, in fact they couldn't make plans to see me last week. In order to see them, I had to cancel my plans and even that was a problem for them. To make things worse, they canceled our plans to see each other this week and didn't tell me until last Saturday night (after I had canceled my plans to see them). They explained that it was my fault, because I didn't clearly communicate about my needs and my plans. They canceled on me and made plans with the new girlfriend without actually telling me when they did so. When I insisted that they should keep our original plans, their other girlfriend told them that if they canceled on her, she would no longer be a girlfriend, but would only be a "friend". They folded like a bad hand at poker and told me tough luck, they wouldn't see me until we went on the trip.
Yes, I should have canceled and dumped their ass right then. If I was willing to eat the cost, I know at least one person who was more than willing to go in their place. I came close. I talked about it last Saturday. I mentioned it again last Sunday. Hell, I even threatened to do cancel and dump them yesterday. I have said it. I have threatened it, but they don't believe I will actually do it. Why should they, I have let them fuck me over multiple times. Why is set of incidents any different?
I know what I should have done. I know what I should do. I should tell them to fuck off and then never talk to them again. Maybe I should tell them that I don't give a flying fuck what they have planned, they will figure out a way to make things up to me tonight and if they don't, I will scorch the earth and then some. But they can't, because the new girlfriend is supposed to see them tonight too and apparently her feelings are far more important than any I have.
I haven't done anything but cry. I can't think anymore. I can't eat. I can't sleep and I am so fucking miserable. I just wanted to go to Disneyland and have a good time. Now I have all this fucking relationship drama marring what was supposed to be a fun time. I regret that I made the reservations. I am resentful that I I am in this situation. I don't want to go on the trip with them after all this shit. I appreciate the offers of people willing to go with me. I've declined because I don't want to impose a pissed off and hurt me on anyone else either. It has been suggested that I could go alone, but in my current state, I think I would do something monumentally stupid. I woke up at 3am this morning and have been thinking about it since. I feel so worthless and stupid. I feel stuck.
I would be surprised if you all don't have some very specific feelings about all of this. I am not sure I want to know how poorly you might think of me. I think I just want to find a hole and crawl into it and never come back out.
But hey, I have a song that really embodies the stupid drama of it all.
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