There is a study concept in AP Psychology that is called "confusing pairs". The ideas is that there are concepts in Psychology that students are likely to conflate, so I have them make sure they understand both terms and how they are similar and more importantly, how they are different. An example would be from the biological unit about the brain. The students learn about "Broca’s Area (makes words) vs. Wernicke’s Area (comprehends words)"
I thought about it and I decided that I have some confusing pairs of my own.
1. Polyamory vs. Ethical Non-monogamy - Polyamory (in my opinion) is when a person engages in multiple loving relationships. While the parameters of the relationship might be different from person to person and relationship to relationship, the key is that the interaction is based around a loving and positive dynamic. Non-Monogamy is when a person has relationships (usually sexual) with multiple people and is honest and forthcoming about it. Those relationships could be involve just sexual contact or could be a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement.
I feel that my husband and I are polyamorous. We are in a loving relationship. When I get involved in an outside relationship, it is openly discussed before I engage in any sort of activity with a potential new person. I fully recognize that I am not great at polyamory. Insecurity and poly are a toxic combination. However, my husband has been willing to work with me and is understanding of the support I need.
2. Public Online Space vs. Private Online Space - Public Online Space is one in which anyone on the internet can find the content given the right search terms. A private online space is one in which access is limited by login or other methods of restricting access to content.
My Facebook is mostly friends only. I have no illusions that means that my content is "safe" and can't be shared by people who don't respect that I keep things "friends only". However, if you aren't on my friends' list, you can't see most of the content I post. My blog is public because Blogger is public. I worried about that for a while, but I know how many people are reading my blog on a given day. I don't post personal information and I do my best to be ambiguous.
If you know me, you can probably guess who I am talking about. I try to make sure that I am clear that this is my space to post about my feelings. I process. I vent. I rant. If anyone takes a damn thing I say as truth, an attack, or just takes it personally, they are invited to go elsewhere. I am not going to filter to make someone else be happy. I don't say things like "John Smith of Oakland, CA, who lives on MacArthur is a horrible person and should be shunned by all of you." (As a note, I don't think I actually know a John Smith.)
Planning vs. Scheduling - Planning is saying something like,"Hey, I would like to go to Disneyland in early January before they take the Christmas decorations down." It's a vague idea and there are no obligations placed on anyone. (By the way, I want to go to Disneyland to see the Christmas decorations on January 4-6, 2019, let me know if you would be interested.)
Scheduling is when people pull out their calendars and set dates. Once those dates are agreed to, changing or canceling the plan needs to be clearly communicated. There are obligations and unless everyone agrees that the change or cancelation has been clearly communicated, that plan is set in stone (barring a clear emergency or circumstances beyond someone's control.) It's something I hate about this online world I live in. We have so many ways of recording dates in our calendars, but just as many ways to miscommunicate. I am of the opinion that when two or more people schedule something, the cancellation needs to be communicated clearly and confirmed between all involved. One cannot make alternate plans until everyone agrees the original plans are canceled. I am not saying that plans can't be changed or rescheduled. I believe that it is important to make the effort to confirm a cancelation or a change with the original person before planning with someone else. A scheduled date is an obligation and should be treated as such, not thrown away because it became inconvenient.
Relationship vs. Friendship - A relationship is one where the person and I share intimacy and make time for each other. A relationship is a two-way street and has some implied obligations to the other person. Examples would be support during a difficult time, celebrating birthdays, or canceling plans because the relationship partner's needs are more important. Continued neglect of a relationship is a good way to ruin it and lose the friendship that started it.
A friendship is many things. I believe it is considering the friend's feelings. I think it is supportive. I think that it can be affectionate and in some cases even intimate. I think a friend helps in a time of need (provided that they can). A friend offers support. A friend will share parts of themselves and want to be shared with. I feel that a friendship is a relationship, but the difference for me is that I would hope that a friend would understand if I had to drop everything for a relationship. I would certainly appreciate it if my friends would join me for my birthday or plan an outing with me. But I think my friends know that I go through periods where I am not up to being a good friend and forgive me for it.
If I am in a relationship, I can't simply neglect the needs of my partner(s) because life is difficult or because something more interesting comes along. That's just being a shitty person and is a good way to get my ass dumped. However, in a solid relationship, I can tell my partner(s) that my life is difficult or that I am distracted by something and with open and honest communication, find a compromise that shows how important the relationship is to me, even if life is difficult or I get distracted by a shiny new person. I am not great at poly, but if there is anything I think I have improved its how much better my husband and I communicate, even when things suck. My husband has always been a wonderful partner for me (I married the guy and have been with him longer than any other relationship I have been in). Last night, he held me and said all the right things when I needed it most. I realized that is the wonder of a long term relationship, someone who loves you, cares for you and on whom you can rely on is so much better than anything that is new and shiny.
I am going to a seminar that is very important to me and that I have been anticipating for months. Instead of being excited about it, I am emotionally bereft and exhausted. Obviously this post was inspired by a number of things. I got an e-mail that just took a giant shit all over me and it was out of the blue. I had plans canceled on me, again, because of a misunderstanding and a lack of communication from the other person. I have a person with whom I thought I had a relationship and I have been shown that my feelings don't matter to them, that they would rather pursue new and shiny.
There was some good this past weekend, but mostly there was a whole lot of shit that I really didn't need fucking up this coming week. This seminar is important to me and my birthday is Friday. I wanted this to be a good week and it's starting out crappy. I am hoping that I can make my life better, in spite of what was dumped on me the past few days.
Today's song "Blue Monday" is very apt. It's probably a repeat, but it's after 5am and I hoping to get some sleep. If I want to avoid song repeats, I suppose I should keep a list of all the ones I have used.
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