I have always been insecure. I know I have discussed this before. Nothing was ever good enough for my parents. I was never smart enough or worked hard enough. I can't remember my family ever telling me I was pretty or telling me I was worthwhile. I am sure they must have, but my memories are mostly negative ones.
It is really difficult for me to get over the feeling that I’m not good enough. The insecurity is really pervasive. It was only recently that I started getting manicures and pedicures on a somewhat regular basis. They seem like such an indulgence and one I don't deserve. If I am honest, I can say that I justify the expense because I know the best thing I can do as a diabetic (other than really watch my diet) is to take care of my feet. Despite the fact I know that Type II Diabetes is a genetic condition and I did not get the disease because I was a bad person who ate too much cake, I still feel guilty about having this problem because even though I managed to delay the onset, I still ended up getting it.
If I were worthy, I would not have the problems that I do. Regardless of what my problems are, I should not impose them on anyone else.
One of the hardest things about being poly is not letting the fear that I’m simply not good enough harm my relationships. I wish I had some magical formula that I could impart to others, but I don’t. There are some relationships that have gone swimmingly. I’m rarely jealous or insecure. I treasure those relationships and I am glad to say that my marriage is such a relationship.
There are the other relationships that eat away at my soul. They play havoc with my insecurities and I become the sort of person I hate. Psycho Rachel, as she was named many years ago, was the result of a toxic relationship and years of my parents treatment. She is an attention whore, a drama queen, verbally abusive, and angry. She is someone who is incredibly unpleasant to be around. I do my best not to impose her on others.
The problem is that that anytime I stand up for myself, insist on having my boundaries respected or if I am just not pleasant and pliable, I think I am being that crazy and unpleasant person. I have trouble figuring out the difference between standing my ground and being too demanding.
I’ve learned to suppress Psycho Rachel. I endeavor to keep her locked behind walls and kept in the deepest darkest dungeon of my soul. When I feel like she is likely to escape, I retreat and hide myself in books, video games, and television.
If that doesn’t work, I start cutting people out of my life and ghost. How do I explain that they are triggering my insecurities? Why would they care or be willing to change anything because I’m uncomfortable? I just figure they will be happier without me. I know that nobody wants Psycho Rachel around. I learned that lesson very well when I was 21 and I have never forgotten it.
Even when people reach out, Psycho Rachel doesn't respond well. If I feel like she's running the show just easier to let the relationship go, along with whatever hobbies or social groups I shared with them.
While I have never lived outside of Northern California, I sometimes feel like a perpetual wanderer, never finding a permanent home. I do have friends that have been in my life for years, but there are many groups I have let go because a relationship went poorly and it was easier for me to give up the entire group.
My therapist and I have discussed this issue extensively. We agree that much of this is based around my social anxiety and my upbringing. I have found that much of my behavior is textbook typical for people raised in families with substance abuse. While it's nice to know the reason, that doesn't make this any easier.
I sometimes think I should just get a tattoo that says “contents extremely fragile, engage with caution.”
I am planning to go the Disneyland for my birthday. I made plans with a friend to share the trip. I feel like this person has not acted like much of a friend recently. I currently regret that I made non-refundable reservations, because it would be easier to cancel. I feel that things would be better if we could talk in person; however we cannot align our schedules until next week without one of us changing our plans. We are both stubborn and neither of us seems willing to relent. This is making feel even less like they care about me or my feelings. (I believe I am usually the flexible one in this relationship, I don't want to give up my plans because of poor planning on their part.)
I don’t know what is a reasonable expectation, what is me being crazy and what is me just fed up and angry. My insecurities are in full swing and Psycho Rachel has broken free and is roaming the mental premises. I’m wondering if I should just see if someone else would like to go with me. However, my insecurities tell me that no one would want to on such short notice.
Full disclosure, the friend knows about the blog and has read it in the past. I have already communicated my concerns about our upcoming trip to Disneyland and my frustration with their recent actions.
The best I came up with is to push them away and not talk to them until next week, be patient and see if some processing time will help me decide if I really want to cancel on them or suck up my anger and go on the trip and hope things resolve themselves.
Mostly, though, I just feel stupid and worthless and it just keeps getting worse and worse.
Today's song seemed pretty obvious.
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