Dopamine Jollies - Doing things (not necessarily healthy ones) that reinforce behavior. Exercise feels good and makes me feel better. That's a healthy thing and doing it produces a dopamine response. Looking at my phone and seeing notifications from social media or texting. This can be unhealthy, since I'm averaging nearly six hours a day on my phone. I know that every I look at my phone and there aren't any little notifications, I feel a little pang of depression.
Seratonin Jollies - Food, sex, social interaction and anything that causes a good or satisfied feeling. Eating two doughnuts with a hot cup of coffee in the morning is a great source of seratonin, even if it isn't necessarily healthy.
As I am fond of saying, I am all processor and very little in the way of
buffers. I can process information very quickly, but whatever I can't
process tends to be left behind. I am rarely asked to tax my processing
power, although things fall off the stack all the time. (Thank you ADHD.)
There is a scene in the second Matrix movie that always delighted me because the "Architect's" monologue explains the entire purpose of the Matrix, of Neo and demonstrates how the AI has considered every possible outcome. It's fast and a lot of people complained that they didn't understand it without pausing and rewinding the scene. It is rare that popular media forces me to use all of my faculties.
It feels good to get my brain firing on all pistons. I remember when I learned to ride horses, I loved cantering. Unlike a walk or a trot, cantering felt like a natural gait. In a canter, I felt like the horse and I were opening up and flying. A canter doesn't feel forced, like a gallop does. A canter feels like the horse and I could run forever. I really wish I had the opportunity to ride horses more frequently. I also want things to engage all of my attention. I know that I seek intensity and to do so isn't always healthy.
When that intensity comes from another person, it's co-dependency and that is demonstrably not healthy. But I want the intensity, I want to get my brain firing on all pistons. I know that I shouldn't get it from a relationship, but I am starting to figure out how I can get it through scenes in BDSM. It just means trusting people in a way that I am not used to.
This isn't a totally new revelation, there is a reason I have been in and out of the kink community for the past number of years. However, this is the first time that I feel like I have a course of study and a goal. I know what I am trying to get out of the scene. Now I just have to apply myself.
“When one woman strikes at the heart of another, she seldom misses, and the wound is invariably fatal.”
― Choderlos de Laclos, Les Liaisons Dangereuses (translated)
This entry isn’t about trying to bitch about DA again. It’s about realizing that I have only had two weeks in which I haven’t had to talk to him, deal with him being around, or be in fear of running into him. I finally feel like I am getting time and space to heal. The first part of healing is ripping off the stop-gap band-aids I was using and actually dress my wounds properly. So bear with me as I pull out the emotional gauze and the heartstrings and start stitching things up.
Overall, things are going well with me and I feel like I am healing. When I get frustrated or upset, I ask myself when I last felt gaslighted or abandoned? The answer is always “It’s been a long while.” What triggered this process was an experience I had last night. During a conversation between Rope Guy and I, some past triggers were hit and set me back on my ass. I tried to explain why it hurt and there are just some things that go too deep. There are things that are too personal when a relationship went as long as DA and I were together. How do I explain buttons that are hidden, even from yourself?
In November I told DA that as long as he was with his current girlfriend I did not feel a friendship was possible. This was after he hung around with my cast during the opening meeting of fair. I also feel (and others agreed) that DA kept trying to engage with me at workshops. I tried to explain that I would like to have a working relationship so we could both enjoy fair, but I needed to have my boundaries respected. Collaring me in public to "talk" was violating my consent and my boundaries.
DA emailed a response that included the line: “We broke something that was precious to me. Over weeks and months and too-long text exchanges, we broke our relationship beyond repair…. But I can’t come back into your life without taking space to heal. I know this will make [fair] more complicated, but I promise I will work very hard to give you the safe space you deserve. Last weekend I messed up and I have learned from those mistakes. I promise it will not happen again.” (posted without permission and against DA’s stated wishes.) I got to go through eight weeks of rehearsals and fair with those words hanging over me. Fair was decidedly complicated and I did not feel that it was a safe space. I feel that DA made everything worse because he assumed that I wanted a friendship instead of listening to what I actually said.
I included the quote above because in my experience DA doesn’t write that sort of e-mail on his own. I helped him write to his friends and family. In my defense, I always knew the recipient and had heard their side of the story directly. I might have been biased toward DA, but I always tried to keep my perspective when offering my advice. I believe that DA's current girlfriend helped him write the e-mail I took this paragraph from. Some of the arrows just are too well aimed. His current girlfriend has never met me. However, she read my journal and stalked me on facebook. I suppose it’s my own fault that she knew her targets (provided she had anything to do with that e-mail, I suspect, I don't know.) And when I read the e-mail the quote from Dangerous Liaisons kept haunting me.
In today’s song, Bareiiles sings, “I've got a thick tongue/ Brimming with the words that go unsung” One of the things that I haven’t said directly to DA is that I was more than willing to give him time and space to heal. I suggested, in August, that we take a couple of months in relative silence after we broke up. It was DA’s request to keep in contact with texting and e-mail. I went against my instincts at his request. How cruel to target those online interactions he asked for.
Contrary to some people’s belief, I don’t impulsively abandon long term relationships. I took over eighteen months before I left my first husband. I chose to leave after he cheated on me twice (with my best friend growing up and the first friend I made when I moved to the Bay Area). I forgave him (for the sake of our daughter) and asked that we work things out. He declined to spend a weekend towards rebuilding our marriage. At that point, I admitted our relationship of about three years was over.
I was no more impulsive in my second marriage. Before ending a seven year relationship, I broke up with my secondary, a person whom I loved dearly. H2 and I spent six months in couples therapy. I dropped out of school and stopped socializing. I devoted myself to making the marriage work. My second husband responded by lying and misleading our friends and then blamed me when he was caught.
At more than 3 years, DA is one of my longer relationships, so I was not ready to walk away, even though things were getting really bad. I had hoped that we could at least remain friends. It’s a damn site more than he has done for me. He ended our relationship after knowing his current girlfriend for a few weeks. I can’t even use his age as an excuse, I was 24 when I made the decision to leave my first husband, I was 32 when I left my second. In both cases, I ended the relationship directly. I didn’t fuck around. I made sure my responsibilities were covered. I know my ex-husbands may remember things differently, but I have no regrets for how I ended either relationship. His age is not an excuse, although I doubt his maturity.
A dear friend of mine put my relationship with DA into perspective. She told me that if I contact him again, I am giving him the message that I’ve forgiven him. It's made not contacting him much easier.
I am trying to not let this emotional wound redressing negatively impact my other relationships. I am scared that it will.
Keto and I went on our first overnight trip. It was lovely and drama free. At one point, Keto said, “I have read that the number one things that couples argue about is money. So, if you ever feel that things aren’t fair between us, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me as soon as it comes up. I don’t want to fight about something that is so easily addressed.” I thought that was very thoughtful and sweet of him. It made me feel safe, because money can be a trigger for me. (Growing up rather poor makes me very aware of money. The fact that many of the men I date have never really had to worry about money can be an issue.)
As I get to know Keto better, I realize that our emotional connection will be challenging. I believe that he would positively respond to anything I shared with him him, but I am not sure he will understand. He has made it very clear that he wants to be a good boyfriend and a good friend. He is mostly monogamous, not that he wouldn’t date another woman if the opportunity arose, just that he has other things that occupy his time and pursuing multiple dating relationships is not something he is ready to but bandwidth into. Keto will talk about how he feels, but it is not an easy conversation for him or one he will initiate. He just doesn't have the experience to understand someone wired like me.
Rope Guy is a horse of a different color. He rarely misses an emotional beat. He tells me his state of mind, freely and openly. He listens to what I say and then repeats it back to me in different words to make sure he is getting the gist. I have joked with him that he speaks fluent Rachel, understanding my anxiety and addressing it.
This is a good and a bad thing. It’s good because it is wonderful to feel listened to and understood. It is a bad thing because I don’t want to admit that I am still jonesing from my relationship with DA. My brain knows that the relationship is long over and I should be moving on. I feel guilty that I still haven’t gotten to that point.
But as I realized last night, in many ways, it’s only been the past two weeks that I have been able to have actual “time and space to heal”. I don’t have to worry about running into DA every weekend, I don't have to wonder what boundary he will cross this time. I am not getting mixed messages or the other crap we do to each other. The pressure to interact is finally gone. I think that if I had been willing to admit how toxic things were, I could have ignored DA from the start of fair. I didn't. Despite his claim that he made mistakes, I think that DA didn’t want to leave me alone. Now, he really doesn’t have an excuse (and neither do I.)
I knew that I have baggage relating to my relationship with DA. Keto is blissfully unaware. He knows that I had a relationship with DA. He knows it was painful, but that’s about all he is able to understand due to his personality and experience. Keto might choose to end our relationship, but I have the feeling that he will go about it methodically and openly.
Rope Guy, speaking fluent Rachel, knows far more about how broken I am and that’s decidedly uncomfortable. I am deathly afraid that DA is right and that it’s all my fault. I really broke something between us and it is irreparable. I am worried that I will screw things up because I am still hurting.The brain weasels tell me that DA leaving was all my fault. They say that he is right and I am wrong.
It’s not the romantic relationship that I care about. I always knew and accepted that a romantic relationship with DA would like have to end when he met a potential marriage candidate. I just didn’t think he would let said candidate push me out of his life. If I didn’t understand that losing DA meant losing everything I ever invested, then how can I trust my thoughts and feelings for Keto or Rope Guy.
And that’s what today’s song is about. I am just going to have to trust that I am going to get there…someday.
Today’s Song - Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles
If you want to comment where Rope Guy can read, comment on the blog.
If you want to comment more privately, you can post to my blogging
group. That is the compromise RG and I came up with when I granted him
access.
One of the things about Hashimoto’s Syndrome is that I tend to heal more slowly than other people. It takes me longer to get over illnesses and medications stay in my system longer. I am thankful that I haven’t been as ill this year as I have been in the past. I don’t think I realized how much the chronic pain was sapping me. (There were some other things that were also taking spoons I didn’t have to spare. I have done my best to remove those people and things from my life that are not positive. To discuss it further would be dwelling, so I am not going to travel further down that road.)
The point is that I am very aware that any damage to my body will take longer to heal and is more likely to scar or cause other complications.
This is an issue if you are someone who is into BDSM, specifically if you are a bottom who likes to spanked, flogged, and beaten. I enjoy sensation play. However, I am scared to death of damage. Strike that, I am not scared of getting hurt, I am worried about damage and scars.
I admit some of it is vanity. There are very few things about myself I am really confident about, but I know my skin is one of my best features. When a dermatologist tells you that your skin is nearly flawless and looks like the skin of someone much younger, it’s hard to argue. I am worried that some of the play I enjoy might damage my skin and it won’t heal. I know my skin is aging (like the rest of me) and is already less resilient. I keep thinking of what might happen and I lose whatever joy I was taking in the play.
I know some of it is fear. As I was reminded yesterday, I don’t ask for help. I try to resolve problems on my own. There have been a number of people in my life who could not be relied upon when I was in a pinch, so I learned to not ask for help. I am always thinking about whether or not I will be able to fix things for myself. The fact that I cannot effectively rub lotion on my own back feels like a personal failing. I need the lotion due to the Hashimoto’s (dry skin is a common problem) and I need someone else to apply it. (In my defense, I did ask someone to rub lotion on my back yesterday.)
I think that’s the thing. I am worried that if I get hurt, I will have to take care of myself without help. I can’t imagine that someone would be willing to help me tend to my skin or what ever else gets damaged with the sorts of play I enjoy. I don’t mean aftercare right after the the play is over. Thankfully aftercare seems to be one of those things that is just part of the negotiation. I have actually received feedback that I don’t let my top do enough for me.
But play that raises welts, rope burns or whatever that will require care for a few days afterward. My spouse is vanilla, so I feel uncomfortable asking him to take care of me. (Yes, I should talk to him about this, no I haven’t yet.) I was playing with a partner yesterday. I was enjoying the play, but at a certain point I was tensing up because I worried about having to take care of myself the next day and the day after. I know in my head that nothing we did was going to be felt within a few hours of our time together. However, my body and my fears didn’t care. The pain/fear got to be too much. My partner noted that my tolerance was rather low. I did enjoy myself, but I wanted to go further, to find that nifty, floaty space that is an endorphin high.
In order to find that, I need to relax. I believe in order to do that, I need to overcome my fears about asking for help and that partners won’t be willing to help me take care of welts, sub drop, or the other things that go along with BDSM.
I don’t believe that people want to do things for me. My mother was a resentful caretaker at best. My husband has to be asked directly and because of my mother, I figure that he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t help that my previous long term relationship was with someone who was just as likely to demand something from me if I asked for care. I have lots of reasons to believe that people won’t do things for me without something in return.
I am beginning to realize that one of my problems with regards to kinky play is that I don’t just have to negotiate the scene, but all of the neuroses I have around what might happen.
Rope Guy was really sweet about it when we spoke tonight. There’s going to be a lot of processing for me on this one, but at least I have good people to help me through it.
I like the term emotional housekeeping. I don’t know if I have heard it before, but I wrote it yesterday and I find it quite apt.
Keto finally got in touch with me. He admitted that communication is not his strong point and apologized. I didn’t yell or make a fuss. He asked about seeing me and I politely told him that my weekend was already spoken for. We agreed to be better about staying in touch and we are currently discussing doing something next weekend.
I hope that this doesn’t become a problem.
The other bit of housekeeping was with regards to DA. I told him that I need more time to heal and that I’d let him know if and when I felt capable of interaction.
Against my friends’ advice, DA and I spoke about his choice to show up at the dance venue last week. I felt it was a very productive discussion because the conversation helped me come to a decision.
DA told me that he came to the venue because he had hoped to “run into me.” He never let me know his intention. I was supposed to guess. When we did see each other, he was caught off guard and didn’t say anything, which made his intentions super clear. DA claimed that couldn’t find me for the rest of the evening, but he said he wanted to see me, no really.
I don’t have to deal with his bullshit or his games, so I won't. DA has hurt too many people. It seems that the only way to avoid any further pain is to avoid DA until he learns how to treat people with kindness and consideration. That's a day I’m not sure I’ll ever see.
There’s one other reason I don’t want to communicate with DA. I believe DA misses me, well he misses me for certain things that his girlfriend can't provide. Since the end of fair, he has wanted to talk to me about his performances and get my feedback.
His current girlfriend, yes the one who allegedly wouldn't allow us to be friends, told him to call me to discuss the dance venue. I’m sure it was because she understands how much DA and I value each other. Ok, I don’t believe that at all. I think that she has begun to fathom how needy DA can be. I wonder if she is hoping to offload some of the burden? I guess there aren’t many possible candidates after she purged DA’s social network.
Aren't I #blessed that she will trust me to take on his crap?
Well, whether I’m right or wrong doesn’t matter. DA had the run of fair to ask for my feedback and work on our friendship. It will be easier to avoid him now, so I see no reason to bother spending any more energy on him. I just have figure out how to not to. That’s been a difficult habit to break.
I like today's song, it is something I would like to force a couple of people to listen to on repeat for hours until it got through their thick skulls that the world doesn't revolve around them.
Today's Song - King of Anything by Sarah Bareilles
As I mentioned, my husband is going to be traveling for the next two weeks. He leaves this Friday. I had plans to see Rope Guy last night, but after a couple days of little sleep and the stresses of the past few days, I was not feeling social.
As I have written before, when I have strong emotions, I have been taught to pull inward and isolate myself. If I can't be positive and useful, I have no place imposing myself on someone else. With this (admittedly stupid) logic, I tried to cancel my plans with Rope Guy. He didn't just tell me not to be silly, that of course he wanted me to come to see him. He said (and I am paraphrasing) you are trying to protect me from something that is part of you. If I care for you, why would I ever desire you to do that. Let me see how bad this is before you start protecting me.
Rope Guy also told me that he and his wife had spoken about my situation for the next couple of weeks. His wife agreed that I would probably need some extra support and the two of them worked out how he could spend additional time with me. I was floored. I think I nearly cried when he told me that. My husband and I have met Rope Guy and his wife a couple of times and that has gone well. However, given that things with Rope Guy and I are still in the beginning stages, I hadn't expected an offer of that level of support.
In my previous poly relationship, my secondary's metamour actively disliked me. She told our shared human, on more than one occasion, that he should dump me. Anytime I asked for support, it felt like a fight and that I had to prove that my need was relevant and my need was never enough. Anytime she asked for support, it felt like my prior secondary would drop everything and rush to her side. (I am sure the reality was somewhere in the middle, but it never felt that way.) I found out that she was waiting for him to break up with me, text negative for HSV so that she could sleep with him. (I am bad person. Yes, he broke up with me, but as far as I know, she never got her wish. They broke up soon after he and I did; thus her patience was not rewarded. I shouldn't take such satisfaction in that, but I do.)
When I asked Rope Guy about sexual contact he told me that his wife trusts him to keep her safe. He told me that the other person he is seeing is very concerned about me having HSV. He also told me that it is her problem and that she will have to resolve it. (I got the impression that she will have his support and understanding, but her concerns will not dictate his actions.)
After many years where my relationship with my secondary revolved around his attempts to please everyone without upsetting anyone, I simply don't know how to ask for support, much less expect it. I am used to having to anticipate a fight and determine if the support I would receive is worth significant effort to justify my need. I don't think I realized, until very recently, how ingrained that habit is, since my mother is the same way. My mom cares for me, but she is not good at giving support.
Keto has been fairly quiet these days. He noted that he would like to see more of me, but he hasn't taken much initiative. I know it is likely not personal. The rains are more significant where he lives and so he has been making sure his home doesn't suffer from flooding. Things are further complicated by having a friend crashing in Keto's rather small house.
I am assuming that Keto isn't trying to ignore me, but that doesn't change that I feel ignored. I don't know what to tell Keto, I just know that I am not feeling desired and I am closing off. My previous relationship devolved into long periods of no communication. I am learning that I need frequent communication from my partners. It doesn't have to be extensive. I have one person who probably only texts me 5 days out of 7 and our interactions are often just to exchange greetings.
After my previous relationship, Keto's lack of communication has worn very thin. I am not just frustrated, I am angry. I feel that a discussion about this is not going to go well. I told Keto that my husband would be traveling. He didn't seem to understand that he should offer something and our relationship hasn't progressed well enough that I feel comfortable telling him.
Relationships are hard.
Today's song is more feeling than actual, and hey, I dig Ritchie Black on the guitar.
Saturday night I had to face a bunch of stuff. I will try to explain, but I am still feeling scattered.
Let's start with the current state of Rachel:
My husband is leaving this weekend, to go to China. We’ve known about the trip since early December. He is not going to a main city, his destination is the middle of nowhere. He’ll be traveling, with only limited connectivity, for up to two weeks. If you’ve been keeping up with the news, you know why a trip to China has me deeply concerned.
Add the government shut down, which seems to mean limited federal support for international travelers and a TSA is made up of a limited workforce that hasn’t been paid in over a month. Now, I’m panicky
Further, when I came back to work, we were at work to rule as the unin still doesn’t have a contract. Having my husband traveling at the same time is a nightmare.
Oh, and my cat, whom I shared with my mother and had since 2002, died a few days ago after deteriorating for most of December. I hadn’t seen him since October.
So, to say I am pretty anxious is an understatement.
I decided to go to dancing Saturday because it's usually a venue where I feel welcome and wanted. Dancing usually helps me with my anxiety. Rope Guy accompanied me. He has permission to read my journal, so everyone wave hello.
Overall it was a good night, but it took a lot of energy to keep from showing how I was feeling. Why was it such an challenge? Because issues from other venues followed me and got in my face.
A person who told me that a male actor being allowed to play his part was more important than my safety was hanging out with my friends. Every time I came near, I felt like I wouldn't be welcome. I don't know if I was reading something into the situation or if it was just my anxiety. However, I didn't feel comfortable bringing my date over to sit with my cast. It had nothing to do with him. I was embarrassed, like I had lied about these people being my chosen family. It didn't feel like I was a part of the family that night.
I think I could have managed that, it was probably perception and there were plenty of people to hang out with. I had fun singing down stairs. When I went back upstairs, I ran into DA. Okay, I can deal, fine. The fact that he hasn't been to that venue, except when I brought him, shouldn't matter. It did matter, but I just smiled and greeted him as our paths crossed.
I was a chorus girl for the halftime performance. Imagine how thrilled I was when DA was there. very obviously watching the show. Even better, he was standing next to my date for the entire performance. (DA swears that it was just a coincidence.)
There is only so much I can take. I managed to stay after the show, but I was fairly ready to go. I nearly crashed before I got home. The next day was a waste. I fell apart at dinner and never really recovered. My husband (the one who has to work long hours this week and is leaving on Friday) and I got into a huge fight and so I am short on sleep.
The reason I haven't spoken about Keto recently is because he is having some issues of his own and I feel like I have been forgotten. I know that its more likely that he doesn't know how to communicate with me when his life is difficult for him, but that doesn't make me feel any less ignored.
The world feels like a very dismal place right now. I was looking forward to introducing Rope Guy to my friends and showing him a little bit of my world. Instead he just got to see the drama that's been fucking up my life for the past six months. He was understanding, but I am mortified.
I don't know if this song is apropos, but it resonated when I heard it.
Today's Song - Mark Ronson, Miley Cyrus - Nothing Breaks Like a Heart
So the question was asked, since DA is such an asshole, why in hell do I want to build a relationship with him?
I can't really answer this question fully. But I have two things I can say to at least try and explain.
My phone is starting to act up. It looks like a new battery will solve the problem. However, DA would spend hours going over specs and helping me process what the issue is and the best way to resolve it. He would also gladly go to the Apple store with me for the appointment. I don't think I have made a technical purchase in three years that he didn't participate in by helping me research and/or accompanying me while I shopped. It's not that I can't make technical purchases without him, but he was a wonderful resource and I miss having him to bounce ideas with.
DA was the person who introduced me to design and art. It isn't that my husband and I never go to art museums. But going to exhibits with DA was always interesting. As a teacher I appreciated talking to someone whose approach was very different than mine. I really miss going to see things with him.
As I have stated, there are reasons I spent three years of my life in a relationship with him and those are two that I am still missing.
DA told me, before he flew home for a visit, that he would like to rebuild a friendship with me. He suggested that we plan an outing for January. Then he told me that he and his his girlfriend were introducing their families to each other over the holidays. In my opinion, that is a serious step towards a long term commitment.
I am well aware that associating with him in any way is self-destructive. I explained, via text, that since his girlfriend does not want him associating with me, there is no reason for us to rebuild anything as long as the two of them together. He read the message (I guess) but has not replied.
There is no reason to engage with him and so I haven't. It is a relief to know that I don't have to see him (unless he goes to 12th Night.)
Today a friend of mine sent me a picture from a museum exhibition that they were at. When I saw the picture, it was like a punch to the gut. I believe that the reason that DA had suggested doing an activity this month was likely for that same exhibit. It was something we had discussed, since it is a mix of history and design.
I had not planned this entry to be about DA. I guess the best I will do is not publicize it via Facebook. If you found it congratulations. I got hit in the gut. It still hurts me that DA abandoned three years for a woman he only knew for a couple of months. I miss him and I hate that I miss him.
That's what today's song is about, missing someone who has hurt you.
I have a proper entry coming soon. However, in the meantime, I did this reading and I am stymied. My question was along the lines of "now what". Perhaps I was too broad in my question. I don't expect anyone to have a better interpretation. I am putting it here for the date, if nothing else.
As a note, I don't believe that Tarot has any mystical properties to decipher the future. It just allows me to see the world with a different perspective. In this particular reading, I just did a random configuration.
TheFourfold Visionspread offers a progression of different ways of looking at an object, person, or situation.
The card on the far right represents theobject being viewed, be it an idea, relationship, or the self.The Empress: The essence of femininity and matriarchy. Creativity, productivity, and the foundation of civilization. Initiative and practical actions that promote prosperity, comfort and luxury. Fruitfulness and motherhood.
The card second from the right represents thephysical vision: how the object is seen at a base or mechanical level.The Hierophant: Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.
The card in the middle represents themental vision: the object personified and seen through a humanized perspective.Eight of Swords (Interference): Chagrin at the unforeseen consequences of prior decisions. Criticism, censure, and the imposition of external restrictions. Confusion leading to powerlessness. Inability to focus on the crux of a problem and free oneself from a difficult situation. Being hamstrung by a past failure or humiliation.
The card second from the left represents theemotional vision: how passions and values are creatively stimulated by the mental vision.The Star, when reversed: Lost hopes, doubt and failure. Physical health and mental outlook lost in the outer darkness. Desperation leading to blind faith in false solutions.
The card on the far left represents the fourfold ormystical vision: still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element, revealing unseen aspects of the object.King of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air, such as a gray sky: A mature leader of unyielding ethics and absolute authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the letter of the law cannot be swayed by emotion, mercy, or exigent circumstances. Perfect clarity of thought, excessive use of force, and mastery of language as a tool for deception. One who, like a great tyrant, inspires not love or devotion, but fear, respect, and obedience.
I had problems figuring out a song for today, so I went with one that reflected not seeing my way.
