"And this broken record/ Spin endless circles in the bar..."

It's my anxiety, bitches!

Saturday night I had to face a bunch of stuff. I will try to explain, but I am still feeling scattered.

Let's start with the current state of Rachel:

• My husband is leaving this weekend, to go to China. We’ve known about the trip since early December. He is not going to a main city, his destination is the middle of nowhere. He’ll be traveling, with only limited connectivity, for up to two weeks. If you’ve been keeping up with the news, you know why a trip to China has me deeply concerned.
• Add the government shut down, which seems to mean limited federal support for international travelers and a TSA is made up of a limited workforce that hasn’t been paid in over a month. Now, I’m panicky
• Further, when I came back to work, we were at work to rule as the unin still doesn’t have a contract. Having my husband traveling at the same time is a nightmare. 
• Oh, and my cat, whom I shared with my mother and had since 2002, died a few days ago after deteriorating for most of December. I hadn’t seen him since October.

So, to say I am pretty anxious is an understatement.

I decided to go to dancing Saturday because it's usually a venue where I feel welcome and wanted. Dancing usually helps me with my anxiety. Rope Guy accompanied me. He has permission to read my journal, so everyone wave hello.

 Overall it was a good night, but it took a lot of energy to keep from showing how I was feeling. Why was it such an challenge? Because issues from other venues followed me and got in my face.

A person who told me that a male actor being allowed to play his part was more important than my safety was hanging out with my friends. Every time I came near, I felt like I wouldn't be welcome. I don't know if I was reading something into the situation or if it was just my anxiety. However, I didn't feel comfortable bringing my date over to sit with my cast. It had nothing to do with him. I was embarrassed, like I had lied about these people being my chosen family. It didn't feel like I was a part of the family that night.

I think I could have managed that, it was probably perception and there were plenty of people to hang out with. I had fun singing down stairs. When I went back upstairs, I ran into DA. Okay, I can deal, fine.  The fact that he hasn't been to that venue, except when I brought him, shouldn't matter. It did matter, but I just smiled and greeted him as our paths crossed.

I was a chorus girl for the halftime performance. Imagine how thrilled I was when DA was there. very obviously watching the show. Even better, he was standing next to my date for the entire performance. (DA swears that it was just a coincidence.)

There is only so much I can take. I managed to stay after the show, but I was fairly ready to go. I nearly crashed before I got home. The next day was a waste. I fell apart at dinner and never really recovered. My husband (the one who has to work long hours this week and is leaving on Friday) and I got into a huge fight and so I am short on sleep.

The reason I haven't spoken about Keto recently is because he is having some issues of his own and I feel like I have been forgotten. I know that its more likely that he doesn't know how to communicate with me when his life is difficult for him, but that doesn't make me feel any less ignored.

The world feels like a very dismal place right now. I was looking forward to introducing Rope Guy to my friends and showing him a little bit of my world. Instead he just got to see the drama that's been fucking up my life for the past six months. He was understanding, but I am mortified. 

I don't know if this song is apropos, but it resonated when I heard it.

Today's Song - Mark Ronson, Miley Cyrus - Nothing Breaks Like a Heart