As I have written before, when I have strong emotions, I have been taught to pull inward and isolate myself. If I can't be positive and useful, I have no place imposing myself on someone else. With this (admittedly stupid) logic, I tried to cancel my plans with Rope Guy. He didn't just tell me not to be silly, that of course he wanted me to come to see him. He said (and I am paraphrasing) you are trying to protect me from something that is part of you. If I care for you, why would I ever desire you to do that. Let me see how bad this is before you start protecting me.
Rope Guy also told me that he and his wife had spoken about my situation for the next couple of weeks. His wife agreed that I would probably need some extra support and the two of them worked out how he could spend additional time with me. I was floored. I think I nearly cried when he told me that. My husband and I have met Rope Guy and his wife a couple of times and that has gone well. However, given that things with Rope Guy and I are still in the beginning stages, I hadn't expected an offer of that level of support.
In my previous poly relationship, my secondary's metamour actively disliked me. She told our shared human, on more than one occasion, that he should dump me. Anytime I asked for support, it felt like a fight and that I had to prove that my need was relevant and my need was never enough. Anytime she asked for support, it felt like my prior secondary would drop everything and rush to her side. (I am sure the reality was somewhere in the middle, but it never felt that way.) I found out that she was waiting for him to break up with me, text negative for HSV so that she could sleep with him. (I am bad person. Yes, he broke up with me, but as far as I know, she never got her wish. They broke up soon after he and I did; thus her patience was not rewarded. I shouldn't take such satisfaction in that, but I do.)
When I asked Rope Guy about sexual contact he told me that his wife trusts him to keep her safe. He told me that the other person he is seeing is very concerned about me having HSV. He also told me that it is her problem and that she will have to resolve it. (I got the impression that she will have his support and understanding, but her concerns will not dictate his actions.)
After many years where my relationship with my secondary revolved around his attempts to please everyone without upsetting anyone, I simply don't know how to ask for support, much less expect it. I am used to having to anticipate a fight and determine if the support I would receive is worth significant effort to justify my need. I don't think I realized, until very recently, how ingrained that habit is, since my mother is the same way. My mom cares for me, but she is not good at giving support.
Keto has been fairly quiet these days. He noted that he would like to see more of me, but he hasn't taken much initiative. I know it is likely not personal. The rains are more significant where he lives and so he has been making sure his home doesn't suffer from flooding. Things are further complicated by having a friend crashing in Keto's rather small house.
I am assuming that Keto isn't trying to ignore me, but that doesn't change that I feel ignored. I don't know what to tell Keto, I just know that I am not feeling desired and I am closing off. My previous relationship devolved into long periods of no communication. I am learning that I need frequent communication from my partners. It doesn't have to be extensive. I have one person who probably only texts me 5 days out of 7 and our interactions are often just to exchange greetings.
After my previous relationship, Keto's lack of communication has worn very thin. I am not just frustrated, I am angry. I feel that a discussion about this is not going to go well. I told Keto that my husband would be traveling. He didn't seem to understand that he should offer something and our relationship hasn't progressed well enough that I feel comfortable telling him.
Relationships are hard.
Today's song is more feeling than actual, and hey, I dig Ritchie Black on the guitar.
Today's Song - Hush by Deep Purple
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