― Choderlos de Laclos, Les Liaisons Dangereuses (translated)
This entry isn’t about trying to bitch about DA again. It’s about realizing that I have only had two weeks in which I haven’t had to talk to him, deal with him being around, or be in fear of running into him. I finally feel like I am getting time and space to heal. The first part of healing is ripping off the stop-gap band-aids I was using and actually dress my wounds properly. So bear with me as I pull out the emotional gauze and the heartstrings and start stitching things up.
Overall, things are going well with me and I feel like I am healing. When I get frustrated or upset, I ask myself when I last felt gaslighted or abandoned? The answer is always “It’s been a long while.” What triggered this process was an experience I had last night. During a conversation between Rope Guy and I, some past triggers were hit and set me back on my ass. I tried to explain why it hurt and there are just some things that go too deep. There are things that are too personal when a relationship went as long as DA and I were together. How do I explain buttons that are hidden, even from yourself?
In November I told DA that as long as he was with his current girlfriend I did not feel a friendship was possible. This was after he hung around with my cast during the opening meeting of fair. I also feel (and others agreed) that DA kept trying to engage with me at workshops. I tried to explain that I would like to have a working relationship so we could both enjoy fair, but I needed to have my boundaries respected. Collaring me in public to "talk" was violating my consent and my boundaries.
DA emailed a response that included the line: “We broke something that was precious to me. Over weeks and months and too-long text exchanges, we broke our relationship beyond repair…. But I can’t come back into your life without taking space to heal. I know this will make [fair] more complicated, but I promise I will work very hard to give you the safe space you deserve. Last weekend I messed up and I have learned from those mistakes. I promise it will not happen again.” (posted without permission and against DA’s stated wishes.) I got to go through eight weeks of rehearsals and fair with those words hanging over me. Fair was decidedly complicated and I did not feel that it was a safe space. I feel that DA made everything worse because he assumed that I wanted a friendship instead of listening to what I actually said.
I included the quote above because in my experience DA doesn’t write that sort of e-mail on his own. I helped him write to his friends and family. In my defense, I always knew the recipient and had heard their side of the story directly. I might have been biased toward DA, but I always tried to keep my perspective when offering my advice. I believe that DA's current girlfriend helped him write the e-mail I took this paragraph from. Some of the arrows just are too well aimed. His current girlfriend has never met me. However, she read my journal and stalked me on facebook. I suppose it’s my own fault that she knew her targets (provided she had anything to do with that e-mail, I suspect, I don't know.) And when I read the e-mail the quote from Dangerous Liaisons kept haunting me.
In today’s song, Bareiiles sings, “I've got a thick tongue/ Brimming with the words that go unsung” One of the things that I haven’t said directly to DA is that I was more than willing to give him time and space to heal. I suggested, in August, that we take a couple of months in relative silence after we broke up. It was DA’s request to keep in contact with texting and e-mail. I went against my instincts at his request. How cruel to target those online interactions he asked for.
Contrary to some people’s belief, I don’t impulsively abandon long term relationships. I took over eighteen months before I left my first husband. I chose to leave after he cheated on me twice (with my best friend growing up and the first friend I made when I moved to the Bay Area). I forgave him (for the sake of our daughter) and asked that we work things out. He declined to spend a weekend towards rebuilding our marriage. At that point, I admitted our relationship of about three years was over.
I was no more impulsive in my second marriage. Before ending a seven year relationship, I broke up with my secondary, a person whom I loved dearly. H2 and I spent six months in couples therapy. I dropped out of school and stopped socializing. I devoted myself to making the marriage work. My second husband responded by lying and misleading our friends and then blamed me when he was caught.
At more than 3 years, DA is one of my longer relationships, so I was not ready to walk away, even though things were getting really bad. I had hoped that we could at least remain friends. It’s a damn site more than he has done for me. He ended our relationship after knowing his current girlfriend for a few weeks. I can’t even use his age as an excuse, I was 24 when I made the decision to leave my first husband, I was 32 when I left my second. In both cases, I ended the relationship directly. I didn’t fuck around. I made sure my responsibilities were covered. I know my ex-husbands may remember things differently, but I have no regrets for how I ended either relationship. His age is not an excuse, although I doubt his maturity.
A dear friend of mine put my relationship with DA into perspective. She told me that if I contact him again, I am giving him the message that I’ve forgiven him. It's made not contacting him much easier.
I am trying to not let this emotional wound redressing negatively impact my other relationships. I am scared that it will.
Keto and I went on our first overnight trip. It was lovely and drama free. At one point, Keto said, “I have read that the number one things that couples argue about is money. So, if you ever feel that things aren’t fair between us, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me as soon as it comes up. I don’t want to fight about something that is so easily addressed.” I thought that was very thoughtful and sweet of him. It made me feel safe, because money can be a trigger for me. (Growing up rather poor makes me very aware of money. The fact that many of the men I date have never really had to worry about money can be an issue.)
As I get to know Keto better, I realize that our emotional connection will be challenging. I believe that he would positively respond to anything I shared with him him, but I am not sure he will understand. He has made it very clear that he wants to be a good boyfriend and a good friend. He is mostly monogamous, not that he wouldn’t date another woman if the opportunity arose, just that he has other things that occupy his time and pursuing multiple dating relationships is not something he is ready to but bandwidth into. Keto will talk about how he feels, but it is not an easy conversation for him or one he will initiate. He just doesn't have the experience to understand someone wired like me.
Rope Guy is a horse of a different color. He rarely misses an emotional beat. He tells me his state of mind, freely and openly. He listens to what I say and then repeats it back to me in different words to make sure he is getting the gist. I have joked with him that he speaks fluent Rachel, understanding my anxiety and addressing it.
This is a good and a bad thing. It’s good because it is wonderful to feel listened to and understood. It is a bad thing because I don’t want to admit that I am still jonesing from my relationship with DA. My brain knows that the relationship is long over and I should be moving on. I feel guilty that I still haven’t gotten to that point.
But as I realized last night, in many ways, it’s only been the past two weeks that I have been able to have actual “time and space to heal”. I don’t have to worry about running into DA every weekend, I don't have to wonder what boundary he will cross this time. I am not getting mixed messages or the other crap we do to each other. The pressure to interact is finally gone. I think that if I had been willing to admit how toxic things were, I could have ignored DA from the start of fair. I didn't. Despite his claim that he made mistakes, I think that DA didn’t want to leave me alone. Now, he really doesn’t have an excuse (and neither do I.)
I knew that I have baggage relating to my relationship with DA. Keto is blissfully unaware. He knows that I had a relationship with DA. He knows it was painful, but that’s about all he is able to understand due to his personality and experience. Keto might choose to end our relationship, but I have the feeling that he will go about it methodically and openly.
Rope Guy, speaking fluent Rachel, knows far more about how broken I am and that’s decidedly uncomfortable. I am deathly afraid that DA is right and that it’s all my fault. I really broke something between us and it is irreparable. I am worried that I will screw things up because I am still hurting.The brain weasels tell me that DA leaving was all my fault. They say that he is right and I am wrong.
It’s not the romantic relationship that I care about. I always knew and accepted that a romantic relationship with DA would like have to end when he met a potential marriage candidate. I just didn’t think he would let said candidate push me out of his life. If I didn’t understand that losing DA meant losing everything I ever invested, then how can I trust my thoughts and feelings for Keto or Rope Guy.
And that’s what today’s song is about. I am just going to have to trust that I am going to get there…someday.
Today’s Song - Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles
If you want to comment where Rope Guy can read, comment on the blog. If you want to comment more privately, you can post to my blogging group. That is the compromise RG and I came up with when I granted him access.
I don’t mind if RG reads me. Hi RG!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you seem to be healing. Brain weasels are evil. And I suspect will last for a while. I know for me and my first husband it was at least 3 years before I could make peace with myself.
DA was always better at words than actions. He may or may not have written the mail. But I think the intent was in his head but his heart wasn’t and his actions were self centered.
I will say that Jason has seen all of my wounds and my hidden pain. And a lot because he did a lot of emotional labor after my separation. Not always intentionally but certainly from a place of love. I thrhink RG is doing some of that for you. Kenneth too, tho obviously less now that he is in China. And you are also working on it which is good.
People can see your hurts and not go running.