The point is that I am very aware that any damage to my body will take longer to heal and is more likely to scar or cause other complications.
This is an issue if you are someone who is into BDSM, specifically if you are a bottom who likes to spanked, flogged, and beaten. I enjoy sensation play. However, I am scared to death of damage. Strike that, I am not scared of getting hurt, I am worried about damage and scars.
I admit some of it is vanity. There are very few things about myself I am really confident about, but I know my skin is one of my best features. When a dermatologist tells you that your skin is nearly flawless and looks like the skin of someone much younger, it’s hard to argue. I am worried that some of the play I enjoy might damage my skin and it won’t heal. I know my skin is aging (like the rest of me) and is already less resilient. I keep thinking of what might happen and I lose whatever joy I was taking in the play.
I know some of it is fear. As I was reminded yesterday, I don’t ask for help. I try to resolve problems on my own. There have been a number of people in my life who could not be relied upon when I was in a pinch, so I learned to not ask for help. I am always thinking about whether or not I will be able to fix things for myself. The fact that I cannot effectively rub lotion on my own back feels like a personal failing. I need the lotion due to the Hashimoto’s (dry skin is a common problem) and I need someone else to apply it. (In my defense, I did ask someone to rub lotion on my back yesterday.)
I think that’s the thing. I am worried that if I get hurt, I will have to take care of myself without help. I can’t imagine that someone would be willing to help me tend to my skin or what ever else gets damaged with the sorts of play I enjoy. I don’t mean aftercare right after the the play is over. Thankfully aftercare seems to be one of those things that is just part of the negotiation. I have actually received feedback that I don’t let my top do enough for me.
But play that raises welts, rope burns or whatever that will require care for a few days afterward. My spouse is vanilla, so I feel uncomfortable asking him to take care of me. (Yes, I should talk to him about this, no I haven’t yet.) I was playing with a partner yesterday. I was enjoying the play, but at a certain point I was tensing up because I worried about having to take care of myself the next day and the day after. I know in my head that nothing we did was going to be felt within a few hours of our time together. However, my body and my fears didn’t care. The pain/fear got to be too much. My partner noted that my tolerance was rather low. I did enjoy myself, but I wanted to go further, to find that nifty, floaty space that is an endorphin high.
In order to find that, I need to relax. I believe in order to do that, I need to overcome my fears about asking for help and that partners won’t be willing to help me take care of welts, sub drop, or the other things that go along with BDSM.
I don’t believe that people want to do things for me. My mother was a resentful caretaker at best. My husband has to be asked directly and because of my mother, I figure that he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t help that my previous long term relationship was with someone who was just as likely to demand something from me if I asked for care. I have lots of reasons to believe that people won’t do things for me without something in return.
I am beginning to realize that one of my problems with regards to kinky play is that I don’t just have to negotiate the scene, but all of the neuroses I have around what might happen.
Rope Guy was really sweet about it when we spoke tonight. There’s going to be a lot of processing for me on this one, but at least I have good people to help me through it.
The song was just an obvious choice.
Today's Song - Hurts So Good by John Mellencamp
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