I've been on a pretty negative course. I have been trying to adjust and improve, but it's been a tough journey and it often feels like I am mired in the mud.
A year ago today, I found out that a friend I went to high school and college with, Dave, had been killed in a hit and run accident. The world is a darker place without him.
A number of us chose to see the loss as a wake-up call. It was time to make changes, improve social interactions, and live our lives in a way our friend would have appreciated. So I am going to try and take a moment to think of the positive things I have learned or changed that resulted directly or indirectly from his loss.
While I can't ever understand it, I have a better perspective on how hard the death of my cousin was on her older sister (who is also my cousin).
I have learned that I need to spend time on being creative and enjoy my wackier and crazier ideas.
I have renewed my love for Queen.
I have started gaming with my friends from high school/college and reconnecting with them, at least somewhat.
I am reading more comics
I'm trying to spend more time with all of my friends, pursuing the hobbies I enjoy and exploring new ones.
Dave and I were not close. We were mostly passing acquaintances who had a lot of history and shared a social circle. I know my grief is nothing compared to the people for whom he was a daily part of their lives. I think that is what has been most significant for me. I have learned that there are a lot of neat people in my life and I should really make the effort to get to know them better. I will never have the chance with Dave. I don't want to miss out on my other chances.
My favorite memory of Dave was some random morning in the choir room when we were both in high school. He was playing the piano and started singing the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody. I cannot express how beautiful his voice was. It was like a bell chime, one of the purest and sweetest voices I have ever heard.
At the transition, we all joined in and some 20 people did an impromptu sing-a-long for the rest of the song. I might be remembering it wrong, but in my head, Brandon was right next to Dave and the choir teacher even joined in. At the end, we all quieted down and let Dave finish the song, with Brandon providing the wind blowing. I suppose it doesn't matter if it really happened that way, because the image is one I cherish. It embodies to me what made Dave so amazing. He just started something and we all fell into harmony along with him and made something amazing and fleeting.
It reminds me that some of the purest expression of joy is one that is ethereal and impermanent.
While reviewing with my AP Psychology students today, we went over the differences between self-serving bias and self-fulfilling prophecy. Due to recent events, I have been thinking about this a lot, although I wouldn't have put my thoughts into those terms. Sometimes teaching psychology is a mixed blessing.
While I am just as inclined to give myself more credit for my successes, my problem is more often the tendency to ruminate. When I am faced with a series of problems, my anxiety is more likely to cause me to dwell on the problem, not the solutions. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I tend to stew and when I do, it can consume me. I will end a relationship if I'm forced to dwell on things for too long.
I know that this is one of my less pleasant qualities. For my own sanity, I will end the relationship in my head so that I can stop agonizing. On the few occasions when the person actually just needed buffer time, they have been surprised not to find me waiting for them. I believe that I try to explain to the person why I am unable to wait. There are people who get it and work with me. Many people simply don't understand how I was raised in a world of absolutes and binary thinking and, understandably, can't work with my tendency toward binary thinking. I guess it's best that these relationships end. I don't know for sure, I have never had a relationship go the other way.
Asking me to see compromise, potential paths, shades of gray or to understand my own contributions to a situation going wrong is akin to asking me to see clearly without my glasses. I can see without them, but it is very difficult for me to see anything beyond vague shapes, there is no detail and I cannot differentiate boundaries. It isn't that I am unwilling to compromise, but I simply lack the ability without considerable assistance. (My eyesight is very bad, I am nearly blind without my glasses.)
There is a lot for me to unpack when it comes to my inflexibility. I know it starts with something a friend shared with me recently.
The picture above is one of the best ways to explain my upbringing. I
translate every interaction with people from the language I grew up with
into what I learned is acceptable social expression. I usually feel like I
am speaking a foreign language when I talk to people. I remember Jack was one of the first people I met who truly shared a common language with me. It was funny, because we were so used to translating our subtly nuanced language for other people that it took us a while to realize that we could simply talk to each other. There are very few people that understood me as well as I think he did. It wasn't simply body language and spoken context, it was an entire (fucked up) cultural experience.
I don't understand how to ask for touch or words of affirmation. I crave them, but they are foreign to me. I try to communicate in these ways, but I always feel awkward and like my accent makes me unintelligible. After a number of failed tries, I usually give up.
I don't understand that social situations aren't absolute. I did not grow up in a world of compromise or flexibility. I teach students for whom English is not their primary language. One of the most important habits I have had to develop is to give instructions explicitly. I cannot say, "It would be nice if you would spend the period studying for tomorrow's test." If I do that, my students will not study, because I didn't tell them to. I have to say, "You will study for tomorrow's test for the remainder of the period. I will be collecting the review sheet at the end of class." Like my English Language Learners, I don't understand implicit suggestions that are part of social interaction. I take the words I'm given and accept them as an explicit instruction.
When it comes to relationships, i am very aware of my limitations. This is why I have favored relationships that tend toward more logical interactions. My English Language Learners prefer to discuss personal topics in their primary language. They can express all sorts of logical things in English, but nuance and flexibility is difficult for them. If I find myself in a relationship that feels like it will rely too much on emotional nuance and flexibility, I tend to distance myself. I have learned that I rarely do well in such relationships. Convinced that I won't do well in that sort of relationship, I tend to avoid them. Because I avoid them, they fall apart when I attempt them. (self-fulfilling prophecy)
I should be very clear. My mother rarely struck me after I was 11. My father never struck me after I was 5. I was not the kid who went to school with bruises, broken arms or any obvious forms of physical abuse. My mother was raised in a very abusive household, so she made sure she protected me from the family that would have violated my body (it's why she finally left my father). I know my parents loved me to the best of their abilities. But abuse perpetuates abuse, so while my body was mostly left alone, my mind was under constant attack. I live my life ready to defend against all comers.
I am finally starting to recognize these limitations about myself and working through them hasn't been a pleasant experience. Trying to explain my issues to another person has ruined more than one recent attempt at building a relationship. After causing a lot of pain and receiving much as well, I find that I am really wary of trying to build anything with anyone, at least not until I improve my emotional fluency.
At the moment, it feels like I will never be able to be a part of a functioning relationship, but I hope that is just the depression and anxiety talking.
I am not very good at putting things aside to deal with later. When any sort of conflict comes up, I want to deal with it as soon as possible. I had one friend describe my brain as all processor, no buffers. I think this is pretty accurate. I can process fast, but it has to be now.
I think this might be another aspect of being an ACA (adult child of an alcoholic). When there was a problem growing up, I was expected to drop everything and take care of it right then, regardless of what else I was doing. If I was doing my homework and my mother decided that I needed a lesson in folding laundry, then I was expected to stop doing my homework and fold laundry. This might seem perfectly reasonable, but for someone with ADHD, starting homework was always a challenge and starting it back up again after being forced to stop was nearly impossible. Between my upbringing and my ADHD, I never learned executive functioning, I learned that everything had to be dealt with right now, priority going to whichever problem was making the most noise.
While I have gained some executive functioning skills in the interim, when it comes to emotional conflict, it is very difficult for me to put it aside and deal with it later. I want to resolve it as soon as possible. If I can't resolve it, I have a tendency to dump it. I might as well use lawyer guy as an example, because he represents a textbook case of what goes wrong in my relationships. We had a problem, I communicated it to him. He had other priorities to attend to and so didn't talk to me for a few days. Faced with the dilemma of not being able to address the problem or even make a date to address the problem, I had already started the process of ending the relationship in my head. When he did finally communicate with me, I took his message in the most negative way possible, because it supported my decision to end the relationship.
The reason I tend to dump a relationship is because until I can resolve something, I have a lot of trouble doing anything else. Now I don't think people are stupid. I am writing this out early on a Saturday morning. I had a fight with someone last Sunday. We weren't able to address the issues until Thursday night. We made good headway, but it wasn't fully resolved. I figured that resolving the fight was important and I didn't have any scheduled plans, so I kept most of my weekend clear. The other person made/kept plans and the best they could do was carve out some time for me tonight.
I assumed that I would be able to do something tonight with my friends. I didn't plan for it, but I figured that the fight would be resolved and I could move on to other social things. That didn't happen, because the other person doesn't think like I do. It's not their fault, although they are aware of my tendency to stew. I spent most of yesterday and last night frustrated and resentful because I'm sitting on the problem and because I foolishly cleared my calendar, I couldn't even distract myself.
This issue exemplifies one of my weakest points in my poly relationships. I may have cleared my calendar with the assumption that there could be considerable relationship building and discussion, but the other person made plans with their primary (or secondary, or whatever). I can be that person, who pushes them to cancel their plans, which is a great way to ruin a polyship. I could cancel my plans with them and do whatever, but that is also "bad poly" in my opinion. It also leaves a half resolved fight still half resolved. I am frustrated thought, because to resolve the fight, I have to give up social opportunities and they were able to keep theirs.
I had hoped sleeping on it would make me feel better or at least differently, but I had trouble falling asleep and woke up 5 hours later. Now I am frustrated, resentful and tired. Now I am even less inclined to be patient and understanding.
The
other person asked me to try and work things out. I agreed. But I don't
think I can do it on this partial basis. I had hoped writing this out
would help, but it just makes me more inclined to just cancel my plans
with them tonight and give up on trying to resolve this relationship. I
can't see a logical reason to stick with it and emotionally, I am spent.
I am not sure what to do. I don't want to spend the day stewing. I can't just decide not to stew. Trust me, I wish I could. I am nearly ready to simply end the relationship so I can go do something. I know that there would be fallout, but it would just feel so good to just excise the frustration and resentment and be done with it.
If I am going to end this relationship, I need to do so with the understanding that I will have to really end it, no waffling. That is the only thing holding me back right now. I have tried to end things and have failed.
I didn't go into too much detail yesterday, but according to my therapist, I am going to have a period of the doldrums. I have 59 days until the school year is over (excluding weekends and holidays). It's going to be a slog and that's just the way it's going to be. There isn't a medical answer, there isn't a therapeutic answer. Sometimes life is just crappy and you wade through it as best as you can.
What my therapist strongly recommended is that I do the best I am able at work and make sure to give myself things to enjoy and appreciate outside of work. The obvious things are dancing, activities, hiking, going places, seeing friends. That's the easy stuff.
There is also getting things accomplished, like reorganizing my desk, getting rid of stuff, or taking care of something that's been frustrating me. This part is tough for me, because while I like getting stuff accomplished, getting started is really difficult for me. In fact, starting a task can result in some nasty feedback loops.
I came back to work before I was ready out a sense of obligation. When I came back to work, it was not easy. Instead I got hit with a lot of stress. I had my first semester grades challenged, I was observed by someone from the district, there was a suicide and many of my students are worried about living in Trump's America, so they are stressed and frustrated. This has been a very difficult year to be a teacher and my health problems haven't make it any easier. Yet I hold myself to standards that are unreasonable. The overall message was that I need to be kind to myself.
I would rather not leave my job right now. I just need to get through these final weeks and then I can plan for a recuperative summer. To put things in perspective, my therapist thinks I should take a year off. I understand her thinking, but I believe that I would regret losing what gives my life such purpose. I may change my mind if I am still having trouble after a few weeks of summer.
So if I am going to stay at work, which is going to be draining, I need to compensate. I have 8 weekends, one of which is Memorial Day weekend. I have evenings. I need to get out, but it needs to be mostly rejuvenating activities, not things that will spike my social anxiety. I'm not sure if I can go back to Fusion/Blues dancing, for example. I like the style of dance, but getting partners was a trigger for my anxiety.
It also means that I have to not only watch how I spend my time, but with who. Since he makes a convenient example, I'll use Lawyer Guy. I realize that I might have been able to salvage that relationship, but I'm glad I didn't. He would have taken emotional work that I simply don't have to spare. I am not entirely comfortable with this idea, but my reserves are limited. That means that if I find an activity emotionally draining, I need to avoid it. The same goes for people that ask too much of me. I have to figure out how to say no to them or stop spending time with them.
The hardest of these is my mother. My mother is a very needy person. Spending time with her leaves me drained. I don't know how to explain this to her. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also can't spare her a lot of my emotional bandwidth right now. Wow, even writing that is kicking my anxiety into overdrive. What sort of daughter abandons her mother?
I want to go to Disneyland. It's expensive, but 9 out of 10 times, it helps. While going over a weekend is less that ideal, I would like to go before the summer rush. Regrettably, finding people who can afford it and want to go is difficult.
I want to go to the Renaissance Fair in Irwindale. It goes through 5/21. While not as expensive as Disneyland, there is a cost. Again, finding someone to go with is a concern.
Easier things are activities that are fun. I am not good at finding stuff, but I need to get out. I need fun, things that will make me able to face work. I'm afraid to put this out there, because I feel guilty if invitations are offered and then I have to refuse them. Balance isn't something I'm terribly capable of right now. But I need things to look forward to, to give me a reason to get through another week.
I don't know if I am explaining it well, but hopefully I'm getting the gist across.
The things I need to avoid are things that will deplete me emotionally. No sad movies, tragic plays, depressing music, or activities that require a lot of emotional investment. I won't be seeing Les Miserable for a while.
This might seem pretty obvious, but the idea of protecting myself is not one I was raised with. I've never done anything like this, at least not intentionally.
I saw my therapist. It wasn't our best session. This is nothing against her, I just didn't like the advice she gave.
I'm in a rut and getting out of it is more a matter of time than effort. I'm burned out from work. While spring break will help, it's going to be a slog through the end of the year. Stuff is frustrating at home and while the family and I are working on it it will take some time. My therapist's suggestion is that I deal with my depression and frustration with an understanding that it will simply take time.
She doesn't say that I do nothing, but most of her suggestions involve me making self-care a priority and not being too hard on myself.
If you know me, you can probably imagine how difficult I found this advice to take.
I am seeing my therapist today. I feel like I am going into a test that I haven't studied for. It's been a few weeks and things feel worse than they were when I saw her last.
I thought things were going so much better. I mean I had a bad week, but I thought I had communicated my needs, spent time with people who would help. I thought I was doing better at least in the overall scheme of things.
Now I don't know what to tell her. I feel like I just failed at everything I was supposed to have accomplished since I saw her last. I got rejected and pushed away when I should have known better.
I just feel so stupid and worthless.
I suppose that's a fine state of mind in which to see your therapist. Well it's the state I'm going to mine.
Sorry, nothing terribly uplifting today. My mood matches the weather both inside and out.
One of the things I have learned since I started this blog is that sex is easy. It's easy to get, it's easy to find, it's easy to give. I have found that sex is also meaningless. It's just bodies and while it might feel good in the moment, the lack of connection, of trust, of feeling just eats away at my soul. I won't say never, but I find that at the moment, mere sex holds no interest for me.
I want connection, I want intimacy, I want trust.
Sex is pretending to be whole, even when I am not. Sex is pretending everything is fine, even thought it isn't. Sex is a pretense. That's why it's easy.
However just sex drains me. It makes me feel empty. It makes me feel alone.
This isn't aimed at my current or even past intimate partners. If I wanted to tell someone I was with that I felt our intimacy was empty, I wouldn't tell them via the internet. Just so we are all clear. I am establishing context.
I am beginning to find that this feeling reaches beyond sex. In the past few months, I have seen what true friends are like. They show up with crockpots at my door, they text me the middle of their weekend to tell me how much they wish I were there, they are confident enough in the friendship to make really funny and snarky jokes, they are the people who understand that even though I don't see them, I still care. They are the ones that remind me that they care for me in all sorts of ways. They are the people with whom my social anxiety can't really argue, because even it can't come up with a good reason to believe that these people aren't friends.
I know this might seem obvious to most people, but I missed this lesson whenever it was supposed to be taught. My sense of worth has long been defined by what I can offer someone. If I can't offer something tangible, then I should leave. My social anxiety gets triggered when I feel that I am not holding up my end of the relationship.
I have come to realize something, that feeling of worthlessness is a lie. A good relationship, a quality relationship, has nothing to do with what I offer. It's not about sex, emotional support, gifts or anything else. A person likes me for who and what I am, regardless of how much I am able to offer at any given moment in time. A relationship is worthwhile because the people involved trust that it will balance out in the end. Not that it has to happen by mystical and magical means. I think that communication is important. That's part of the connection. Feeling confident enough to say that you need something and feeling strong enough to say that you can't give something is important. If one person is depressed, unhappy or needy and the other person can't handle it, then I think a friend shouldn't abandon the person. They tell the person they are overwhelmed and then offer to help them find professional help. If that doesn't work, then maybe some tough love in is order. "I can't help you until you help yourself." I am not saying a relationship should end up one sided, but that there might be periods when it will be.
If I am looking at a relationship and figuring things on a tally sheet or I think the other person is doing the same, it's probably time to get out. If I am thinking to myself, "I should probably put up a shield so they don't realize how badly I am doing" I probably shouldn't be spending time with that person. Because those are the people that put me into that socially anxious mind set.
This is something hard for me, because I know, at the moment, I am in an incredibly negative space. I am tired, I woke up sick, and I am feeling very lonely. It's easy to just assume I have no friends, not because that is what I want, but because that feels simple.
The challenge is to find the people I feel connected to and try to reach out to them, not because I have something to give. I have to reach out because I like them and I believe they like me; even if I am not whole, not fine, nor do I have my shit together. I have to understand that they don't care, because despite all that, they like me because that's just the state I am in currently, that's not who I am.
As for the people who find the idea of me being sick, tired, depressed, and what else, a drain. I understand and will leave them the hell alone. Not everyone will like me. That's just the way things are and that is all right.
I never liked U2 when I was younger. I think that might have been because I just didn't get them. I find I like their music a lot more now, so they are providing today's weather.
Two things happened yesterday that make me recognize that my social anxiety is still an issue. I am not sure what to do about it. I know that I have some cognitive behavioral therapy to do. I know that I have to be more understanding of my needs. But there is a part of me that is just so sick and tired of feeling like I did last night. Retreating to my hermitage seems a better alternative.
The first thing that happened were all the comments over the past couple of days. My previous entry made some people defensive. They wanted to be heard and I felt that I should listen. Some of the things that were said were very hard to read/hear. I am still trying to process through it all. My takeaway was often the most negative possible interpretation of what was written, even though I doubt that is what was intended.
We had a seminar on suicide prevention for teens in response to the student who recently took their own life. I learned a new term, which I like. People who grew up with trauma are referred to as A.C.E.s or Adverse Childhood Experiences. There is something so elegant about that term, so much better than survivor or victim. I wish I could explain what its like to live in a reality where there is
a steady stream of negative talk. I can give all the reasons for it, but it's easier to just say that I am an A.C.E. I do not have a sense of my own worth in this world and that makes me very defensive.
The second thing was when I went dancing last night. I have been intending to try Blues/Fusion dancing for quite a while and so last night I decided to go. It has been a long time since I was a "new dancer". While I was new to Contra dancing, it is based on styles of dance I know very well. I enjoy Contra dancing, but learning it has not felt challenging. It's just fun. Last night was a Fusion event. It was hard. It comes out of dance styles I am only slightly familiar with. It uses moves that I am not entirely comfortable doing. The dance style is counter-intuitive to the more formal styles with which I am experienced. There is no basic pattern, there is no timed moves and the dance is not about directly connecting to the beat of the music, but connecting to your partner, using the music as a guide. (At least that is what I took from the lesson.)
I am a good dancer. I have been dancing for over half my life. I know enough and have danced enough that I was able to get the basic moves. When the instructor took me out on the floor, I was able to follow him. He is an incredible lead and a talented dancer, but I felt like I held my own and that I was able to follow his lead, not get pulled through it. Fusion dancing was a lot of fun and as I left the floor, I was excited to try this new style.
I wish I could have held on to that feeling, but almost no one asked me to dance. Outside of the instructor, I only knew the two people who were in the lesson with me. I know both of them from other venues, one is a good friend, the other is an acquaintance. I danced with both of them. I danced with the one person who asked me. I had hoped to meet an acquaintance, but he forgot I was going to be there and when he did show up, he blew right past me. (I found out later that he had just received some rough news, which is why he forgot that I planned to attend.)
I had been waiting for my acquaintance to arrive. When they did not notice me, I felt my confidence and thus my energy drain from my feet. I could feel tears of frustration because I wanted to dance, but I felt like no one wanted to dance with me. I felt like I was holding my friend back, so I encouraged them to dance without me. I do not know if it was a difference in age, supposed experience level or energy, but I felt like my friend had no trouble attracting partners.
It didn't help things that I got home to a post on social media that included a picture of my friend dancing over 90 minutes later.
Please don't ask me why I didn't ask people to dance, as thought it were easy. It was my first night in a new venue, it would have been nice if people would have welcomed me, asked me to dance, and, I don't know, encouraged me to come again. If I wanted to hustle for partners, I could attend vintage ballroom events; at least I know how to lead and follow and can dance with people who are happy to have a skilled partner.
As I drove home last night, I felt old and stupid. I felt like I would have received at least some attention if I were inexperienced and 25, that my experience and skill didn't matter or perhaps simply didn't apply in this venue. I felt stupid for thinking that there is any form of couple dancing where my age, my marital status and my attractiveness won't be a limiter the number of dances I can do. I know I'm in a very negative space. I have a love/hate relationship with dancing. I love to dance, it's one of my most purest expressions of joy. I hate that it also kicks my social anxiety into overdrive and so I will avoid learning new styles and/or stay away from venues where I feel that I am not appealing as a partner, for whatever reason.
Maybe I should just take up bowling.
Today's weather is the only blues/fusion song I had ever danced to before last night. I love the pulse of it.
First, I want to say that I had a very good weekend. I spent time with good friends. I went dancing. I got some much needed rest and relaxation.
I also realized something this past weekend. When I internalize something, it goes very deeply. So I am going to tell a story about internalizing and friendship and why it's very hard for me not to bash on someone who I will call Kevin.
Kevin was a friend of a friend. When he came to Dickens fair, I took to him immediately. He seemed nice and he was very pretty. I nicknamed him. He was tickled by the name and it stuck. He started dating one of our boys, so he became like a part of our Dickens family.
A few months later, that member of our Dickens family passed away. Kevin called me and we talked on the phone commiserating and sharing memories. I know how much Kevin loved that young man and it was a tragic loss. Kevin and I stayed in touch. He visited the next year at Dickens, spending a lot of time with the group. He felt like a natural fit, so the friend who brought him and I both suggested he audition and become an official member for the next season.
I was in the midst of getting my masters, so I didn't see much of Kevin during the rest of the year, but I didn't see much of anyone. I wasn't aware of Kevin's dating life, which included a fairly brief relationship with Benjamin.
The next year of Dickens fair, I came to rehearsals and the fair itself with work, reading and drafts. I missed over half of the run because I was so knee-deep in my masters, which had to be finished in a few months. Kevin integrated into the group and while he talked about this boy or that, I wasn't around enough to realize that he had any particular feelings for someone.
Benjamin and Becca were friends of Kevin, so they came to fair to see him. Benjamin and I clicked from the get go. We both asked Kevin to pass our information to the other. As I recall it, Kevin said that he and Benjamin had dated but that the relationship had been over for a while and that they were just friends. He seemed happy enough to introduce us to each other. I was later told that I should have known better and I suppose that's a valid argument. I am going to stick with expecting that if Kevin didn't want Benjamin and me to date, he should have said something other than, "I think it would be great if Benjamin and you got together, he's going to be at a dance event next week."
Benjamin and I fell for each other and fell hard. At first Kevin seemed supportive. The three of us would do things together, like movies, hiking or attending events together. Becca joined us too and seemed to appreciate the new dynamic. After a while, though, I began to notice that there were always issues. If the three of us were together, Kevin would throw a fit if he felt like he wasn't getting sufficient attention. I tried to be understanding. In retrospect, I feel I was enabling Kevin's behavior. I didn't see how much I was putting up with. Benjamin valued his relationship with Kevin. I valued my friendship with Kevin, which was becoming very close. I thought that we could all make it work. I don't think I saw how much work it was taking.
I have to say, Kevin seemed like a wonderfully positive addition to my life. I had a friend who encouraged me to dance and get out. I was so stressed with writing and study that someone telling me to engage in healthy and fun activities was just the thing. It was thanks to Kevin that I attended my first contra camp, got back into ballroom dancing and even went back to Irish. Kevin and I taught waltz classes together. He was a joy to dance with.
We talked all the time. Kevin would chat with me throughout our day. We talked about work, the dance community, and our relationship woes. I felt like Kevin had become one of my closest friends. I think I put up with a lot from him because I felt like he put up with a lot from me. I knew by this time that Kevin had significant feelings for Benjamin, but I thought that he was working through them. I felt like our talks were positive
I used to be part of a Renaissance Fair Dance troupe. Life, school and other things (some of it related to my divorce) took me away from the group for a number of years. Kevin and Benjamin, who were both involved with the group, encouraged me to come back. My masters was written and turned in and so I started attending rehearsals.
It was wonderful to be back, I hadn't realized how much I missed the dancers and performing with them. I happily took a spot for an upcoming weekend. I put together garb (a costume) and Benjamin and I agreed to camp together. Kevin was going up early, so he offered to hold a spot for the tent.
It was a long drive to the campsite. Benjamin and I were coming up after work, so it was nearly 10 when we arrived. I don't know the whole story, so I'll just relate what I remember. Kevin was upset. He wanted to talk to Benjamin. Benjamin and I were very tired and just wanted to set up our tent and get some sleep. We got the tent set up, but despite repeated refusals from both of us, Kevin insisted on talking. We asked if it couldn't wait until morning, but Kevin grew very insistent and started yelling. I stayed in the tent, exhausted and simply not up to having any emotional conversations. Benjamin went outside and tried to talk to Kevin. After a while, Benjamin gave up and came back to the tent. Kevin sat outside the tent, crying and yelling for what seemed like a long time. Another person in our camping group finally dragged Kevin away. Benjamin and I stayed in the tent, horrified at the behavior, with no idea what to do.
The next day was awful. It was my first time back with the dance group. I felt like I was in the midst of a drama storm. Benjamin and I both tried to mitigate the damage, but I know I was mortified. We were able to make a sort of peace with Kevin, but it was tenuous at best. Benjamin and I left the weekend unsure if we would be welcome back after the fuss that the three of us had caused.
I do not know what happened, but Kevin stayed in the dance group. Benjamin and I both felt that we would not be welcome and I have not attended a rehearsal since. I have seen the group at a couple of events (where Kevin was not present), and while they were happy enough to allow me to dance, no mention was made about me joining them for any performances. I recently spoke to the couple that hosts rehearsals and I felt like they reaffirmed that they didn't want any drama brought to their home, so I should stay away, since Kevin was still a member of the group.
I was hurt and angry. Kevin and I were able to patch things up, There was a lot of pressure to simply let the incident go and I did, because having felt pushed out of one dance group, I was afraid to be excluded from any others; I was afraid to make waves.
Benjamin and Kevin tried to keep their friendship for a few more months, but Benjamin realized that Kevin was still hoping that the two of them would resume dating. He felt that Kevin would not accept anything else. Feeling that conflicts like what happened at the campground would continue, Benjamin cut Kevin out of his life.
I saw what a hard choice that was for Benjamin. He lost a close friend, the first one he made in the area. He also felt that since he was the one who ended the friendship, he should let Kevin keep the social stuff. Benjamin withdrew from the dance community and many other social venues that he shared with Kevin.
I attempted to maintain my friendship with Kevin. I listened to him rage about Benjamin (whom I was still dating at the time). During one of his rages, I discovered that Kevin blamed me for the relationship ending. He called me a slut and a whore who had stolen Benjamin away, stating that I should have known how they felt about each other. Kevin started treating me like I was a pariah in the very group I had invited him to join. Due to a number of related issues, I felt pushed from the group and gave up Dickens fair for the rest of that season. I also cut Kevin out of my life.
I stopped dancing. If there was a venue for which Kevin was a part, he made sure to make it as uncomfortable as possible for me to attend. After feeling that no one was willing to say anything, I gave up. I was already depressed and having health issues. I couldn't fight against a social blackballing too.
That was over a year ago. I am far more guarded in my emotional friendships and its only recently that I am trying to reach out to people again. I started dancing in a new dance community. I have explored new social venues. I don't think I realized how much of that was tied up with my feelings regarding Kevin until yesterday morning.
Saturday night I went to a dance event where Kevin is an organizer. I have avoided it for that reason. However, Kevin was away at a dance camp, so I felt it was safe to attend. I had forgotten how much I love modern ballroom and how much I missed it. I think it was easier not to think about it because most of the ballroom venues meant dealing with Kevin in one way or another.
After the dance on Saturday, Benjamin and I discussed whether or not we felt comfortable attending other dance venues. There are issues between us, but we have already demonstrated that we can be at the same venue and it doesn't get to awkward. It has been over a year and we feel that if Kevin can't deal with us attending, that's his problem. However, in talking about the situation, I spoke the words that Kevin spoke to me. I heard myself say that I was a slut and whore. The vitriol and bile dripping from my tone.
I know what Kevin brings to a social situation. He is dynamic and charismatic. He's a good organizer and teacher. He has good ideas and when he's motivated, he makes things happen. I don't know if people see the cost or if they even care. I am not the only friend that Kevin has driven away from the dance community. As far as I am aware, only one community requested that Kevin change his behavior or leave. Kevin was asked to leave the Dickens group I invited him into. I do not know if he realizes that I had nothing to do with the request. He acted out at a cast party. That was the final straw, the director asked him to find another group. (I was not at the cast party mostly because I didn't want to deal with Kevin.) I won't say that Kevin's behavior toward me didn't contribute to his being kicked out, but I had been told that he would be given another chance. It was his behavior at the cast party that blew that chance.
The Dickens group was very quiet about it. We knew that there were other groups that would love to have Kevin's energy and charisma. The group had no problem with Kevin participating at Dickens, they just didn't want him in our group. Kevin was very passive aggressive about it, posting to Facebook about the unfairness of it all and stated that if he couldn't be in our group, he would not do Dickens. He called Benjamin an abusive ex-boyfriend. Kevin also posted about the horribly mean and accusatory e-mails I had sent over a year prior. He posted about how I drove him from his only connection to our mutual friend who had passed away. There were a number of people who believed him, so while it was a better Dickens' season, I still felt like I had to defend or explain myself.
This past weekend, Kevin again referred to Benjamin as his abusive ex-boyfriend. While I disagree with that characterization, I felt that Kevin could state the story anyway he wanted on Facebook or his personal social media. However this time Kevin made the reference in an e-mail to a group of dance organizers, leaders in the larger community.
The words "abusive ex-boyfriend" has some very heavy connotations. I feel that it is a step to far. The dance community tries to protect people. If someone is called abusive, they are removed until the charges (because that's what they are) are investigated. The community defaults on the side of caution, because dancing often involves close contact. I agree that the relationship was abusive, but I saw many more incidents where Kevin was the instigator. I never saw Benjamin act with anything but compassion and understanding, even in situations where most people would have lost their cool.
Kevin called Benjamin's friend, who was visiting from the East Coast for his birthday, a bitch and physically threatened her. He showed up on Benjamin's door on more than one occasion, demanding to be let in for the purposes of talking. When he was not let in, he sat on the stoop for hours. He has hurt people and then dismissed his behavior as something he was driven to.
There are many of you who know to whom I am referring. I have kept quiet, suppressing my feelings and what happened for the sake of social normalization and because I felt like I was at fault.
I will not deny that I was angry and sent Kevin a very nasty message over 18 months ago. I do not regret it. It was between the two of us and while it was probably written to be hurtful, I was explaining why I was ending our friendship. I expressed my anger and frustration. I have not contacted Kevin in any way since and have avoided him out of social courtesy.
I will agree that Benjamin is Kevin's ex-boyfriend. They dated briefly in February of 2014 until April of 2014. They have both corroborated those dates. Given that Kevin chose to maintain a relationship with Benjamin afterward, I find it hard to believe Kevin's claim that Benjamin was abusive. Benjamin was the one who ended the friendship in November of 2015. The term "abusive ex" was not said publicly until a year later (as far as I am aware).
I have struggled with this scenario for a long time. I am upset that I felt driven out of the dance troupe. I am frustrated that I gave up ballroom dancing. I feel like I let my tendencies as the adult child of an alcoholic distort my view of the situation and gave Kevin far more social capital than he deserves.
I know this has been a lot of trash talking, although I am trying to keep it to things where I was directly involved. I am also writing this out because I fully want to own that I enabled Kevin's behavior and that I made excuses for it. I was so worried about losing my place in the community that I let myself get hurt and let others get hurt as well.
I want to face my fear that people wouldn't like me. But I also want to know if I am missing something. Why do people allow Kevin's behavior to continue? Is this normal?
One of the things about being a psychology teacher is that I can find myself teaching a concept and realize that it applies directly to my own life.
In this case, it the concept of learned helplessness.
I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to have any control or agency in my home. I was constantly told that my needs were unimportant and should give way to the needs of the other people in my house (i.e. the alcoholics).
It is really hard for me to express my needs. It is really hard for me to feel that I can exercise control in my life.
When I was growing up, I evolved many of the classic behaviors of someone who felt helpless. I developed anorexia when I was 14 and have struggled with my weight and body image ever since. Most of my friends think of me as an incredibly picky eater and it's easier to let them believe that then try to explain the argument I have every time I try to eat. One of the things that made the diabetes diagnosis so devastating is that I fell into the habit of simply not eating. Starving is always easier than dealing with the vast briar patch that food has come to represent.
The past few days have all about lacking an external locus on control. I have no sick leave because I used it all for my recent issues. Going dancing for a weekend would have been mentally beneficial, but I couldn't risk that it might exacerbate my condition. It didn't occur to me that the illness was likely a somatic disturbance.
My husband was also ill, so instead of attention and TLC, I was left to my own devices. I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone.
By last night I went into a full isolation mode. I pulled out of an online/meetup group figuring that they wouldn't notice. (If they have, they haven't said anything to me.) I have pulled back from friends, family, everyone I can. It's not what I want, but it's doing something. It's a fake sense of control, but at the moment, it's something.
I had to teach the concept of learned helplessness today. I nearly broke into tears.
Today's "weather" was easy to choose, I heard it on the radio on my way to work.
I left school as soon as I could. Even puppies snuggles aren't helping.
Today is bad and I'm still at a loss as to who to call.
I feel so fucking alone.
I am not sure what to do. I am sitting in my classroom and crying. I don't know who I can call. I don't know if I should go home. It's not like going home will help.
I feel so alone. I tried to ask for help and I just made people angry at me. I can't even do that much right.
Words and intentions are meaningless when I am in this state. It is action or nothing.
I
have to remind myself that the rules are changed. Three days of
elevated blood sugar because I couldn't feed myself isn't an
inconvenience, it's over a week's worth of repercussions and there might
be longer term ones. This past weekend affected my job, my health, and my interactions with the world.
I live in a home with three other adults. Due to a number
of circumstances, there is no chore list, no set routines. Even though I
have discussed my dietary needs on multiple occasions, I can't
establish a routine in continued chaos. If things can't be fixed, then I have to consider moving out.
I have recently seen my psychiatrist. My depression is beyond straight medical intervention. I have a lot of my physical numbers stabilizing, which is a good thing. It makes it easier to narrow down what is wrong. I am well aware something is wrong.
If my requests for help are being met with silence or worse, I just need to walk away from those relationships. I simply don't have the resources to spare.
Today would have been my stepsister's 49th birthday. She died on April 2, 2007, the day before her 39th. She died after putting my father's house into foreclosure and leaving me with a huge financial and emotional clusterfuck to clean up. While she had some fine qualities, mostly I remember her as someone who used others and expected people to take care of her messes for her. One of the reasons for the animosity between my father and I (He died 5 1/2 years ago) was because it always felt like he would help her out, but because I was good, old, reliable Rachel, I was expected to do things on my own and without his assistance. Laura, on the other hand, always got the handout, the treat, the help when she needed it.
I am very good at taking care of things. I am probably too good at it.
I don't know how to ask for help. In part, because of my parents, I am pretty sure that even if I do ask for help, I'll be told that I am perfectly capable of handling things, like I always do, like I have always done. I am the good daughter, the good mother, the good wife. I don't really need help, do I?
The one person I am not good to? Myself.
The reason I haven't been writing is because therapy was very difficult a few days ago. It was the good sort of challenging. It was the breakthrough and figure shit out type of session. But it was also really painful.
I am scared that if I don't do things for people, if I am not reliable Rachel, people will consider me a burden. However if I do need things, that's just too damn bad, because there are people who need more than me.
Regrettably, I have been in a number of relationships that have reinforced this belief. My ex-husband loved women with problems. He wanted to fix them, help them, make things better. That was wonderful when I had problems. However, there came a time when he started helping other women (under the auspice of our poly relationship.) My ex expected me to take care of things on my own; he didn't understand why I expected attention, even though I didn't have a chronic condition or emotional issues. What I took away from that relationship was similar to the lesson I learned from my father, squeaky wheels get the grease, but I am not allowed to squeak.
At the moment I feel like a doormat. I feel like people have all these expectations of me and I am not meeting them, so no one is really paying attention. I think to myself, "Gosh I wish I could ask this person or that person for something" but then I realize that there are all sorts of reasons their needs take priority, so I just don't bother.
I mentioned lawyer guy and while I think that the friend who made it clear that he probably just lacked resources was right on target, it's an easy way to show this has recently been applied. I was a "good date." I demonstrated my interest. I dressed up for our encounters. I kept plans, and I made an effort. I was understanding about boundaries and deadlines. I communicated clearly about my limitations. I played by the rules as they were explained to me.
I expressed that I found our sexual encounters one-sided and that I would like that to change and could we discuss it further? I didn't hear from him for a few days and when I did, I got a polite "I am sorry, but I am unable to meet your needs nor do I have an intention of trying because we shouldn't see each other anymore."
The problem isn't that I had needs, but that I expressed them in the wrong way, at the wrong time or didn't understand his lack of resources. Regardless of why, asking for my needs to be met only got me abandoned...again. Why ask if that is the result? Why not just walk away? It would have been simpler and less hurtful.
I spent the weekend sick. I wasn't dying in bed with a fever sick. I was just blah. So I was left to my own devices. No company, no companionable movie watching, no attention, no texts to see how I was doing. I spent the weekend feeling ignored. The people who did contact me wanted something; once I fulfilled my use to them, I felt forgotten. No I didn't reach out to anyone, because they had better things to do than tell me, "poor baby" and why would I want to be told how unimportant I am?
I know life and love can't be figured on a tally sheet. I know that attention is not supposed to be an exchange of favors. Hell, I can think of a few people who could rightfully say that I am in debt to them. I know that I am really bad at paying attention to people when they are out of sight.
But that was the thing that made me cry, like really break down and cry in therapy. I'll do for anyone else. I'll give my all to a friend, a lover, a group. But I won't do a damn thing for myself. I always make myself the lowest priority. Why should anyone make me a priority if I won't do it for myself?
So I need to think about who I am letting make the priorities in my life and why. But I am scared as hell that if I do that, I will end up abandoned and alone, while people tell me that I am perfectly capable of handling things on my own.
