"I was left to my own devices..."

I am not very good at putting things aside to deal with later. When any sort of conflict comes up, I want to deal with it as soon as possible. I had one friend describe my brain as all processor, no buffers. I think this is pretty accurate. I can process fast, but it has to be now.

I think this might be another aspect of being an ACA (adult child of an alcoholic). When there was a problem growing up, I was expected to drop everything and take care of it right then, regardless of what else I was doing. If I was doing my homework and my mother decided that I needed a lesson in folding laundry, then I was expected to stop doing my homework and fold laundry. This might seem perfectly reasonable, but for someone with ADHD, starting homework was always a challenge and starting it back up again after being forced to stop was nearly impossible. Between my upbringing and my ADHD, I never learned executive functioning, I learned that everything had to be dealt with right now, priority going to whichever problem was making the most noise.

While I have gained some executive functioning skills in the interim, when it comes to emotional conflict, it is very difficult for me to put it aside and deal with it later. I want to resolve it as soon as possible. If I can't resolve it, I have a tendency to dump it. I might as well use lawyer guy as an example, because he represents a textbook case of what goes wrong in my relationships. We had a problem, I communicated it to him. He had other priorities to attend to and so didn't talk to me for a few days. Faced with the dilemma of not being able to address the problem or even make a date to address the problem, I had already started the process of ending the relationship in my head. When he did finally communicate with me, I took his message in the most negative way possible, because it supported my decision to end the relationship.

The reason I tend to dump a relationship is because until I can resolve something, I have a lot of trouble doing anything else. Now I don't think people are stupid. I am writing this out early on a Saturday morning.  I had a fight with someone last Sunday. We weren't able to address the issues until Thursday night. We made good headway, but it wasn't fully resolved. I figured that resolving the fight was important and I didn't have any scheduled plans, so I kept most of my weekend clear. The other person made/kept plans and the best they could do was carve out some time for me tonight.

I assumed that I would be able to do something tonight with my friends. I didn't plan for it, but I figured that the fight would be resolved and I could move on to other social things. That didn't happen, because the other person doesn't think like I do.  It's not their fault, although they are aware of my tendency to stew. I spent most of yesterday and last night frustrated and resentful because I'm sitting on the problem and because I foolishly cleared my calendar, I couldn't even distract myself.

This issue exemplifies one of my weakest points in my poly relationships. I may have cleared my calendar with the assumption that there could be considerable relationship building and discussion, but the other person made plans with their primary (or secondary, or whatever). I can be that person, who pushes them to cancel their plans, which is a great way to ruin a polyship. I could cancel my plans with them and do whatever, but that is also "bad poly" in my opinion. It also leaves a half resolved fight still half resolved. I am frustrated thought, because to resolve the fight, I have to give up social opportunities and they were able to keep theirs.

I had hoped sleeping on it would make me feel better or at least differently, but I had trouble falling asleep and woke up 5 hours later. Now I am frustrated, resentful and tired. Now I am even less inclined to be patient and understanding.

The other person asked me to try and work things out. I agreed. But I don't think I can do it on this partial basis. I had hoped writing this out would help, but it just makes me more inclined to just cancel my plans with them tonight and give up on trying to resolve this relationship. I can't see a logical reason to stick with it and emotionally, I am spent.

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to spend the day stewing. I can't just decide not to stew. Trust me, I wish I could. I am nearly ready to simply end the relationship so I can go do something. I know that there would be fallout, but it would just feel so good to just excise the frustration and resentment and be done with it. 

If I am going to end this relationship, I need to do so with the understanding that I will have to really end it, no waffling. That is the only thing holding me back right now. I have tried to end things and have failed.

Well, I guess I have all day to think about it.