I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to have any control or agency in my home. I was constantly told that my needs were unimportant and should give way to the needs of the other people in my house (i.e. the alcoholics).
It is really hard for me to express my needs. It is really hard for me to feel that I can exercise control in my life.
When I was growing up, I evolved many of the classic behaviors of someone who felt helpless. I developed anorexia when I was 14 and have struggled with my weight and body image ever since. Most of my friends think of me as an incredibly picky eater and it's easier to let them believe that then try to explain the argument I have every time I try to eat. One of the things that made the diabetes diagnosis so devastating is that I fell into the habit of simply not eating. Starving is always easier than dealing with the vast briar patch that food has come to represent.
The past few days have all about lacking an external locus on control. I have no sick leave because I used it all for my recent issues. Going dancing for a weekend would have been mentally beneficial, but I couldn't risk that it might exacerbate my condition. It didn't occur to me that the illness was likely a somatic disturbance.
My husband was also ill, so instead of attention and TLC, I was left to my own devices. I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone.
By last night I went into a full isolation mode. I pulled out of an online/meetup group figuring that they wouldn't notice. (If they have, they haven't said anything to me.) I have pulled back from friends, family, everyone I can. It's not what I want, but it's doing something. It's a fake sense of control, but at the moment, it's something.
I had to teach the concept of learned helplessness today. I nearly broke into tears.
Today's "weather" was easy to choose, I heard it on the radio on my way to work.
No comments:
Post a Comment