"Hands up and touch the sky..."

I didn't go into too much detail yesterday, but according to my therapist, I am going to have a period of the doldrums. I have 59 days until the school year is over (excluding weekends and holidays). It's going to be a slog and that's just the way it's going to be. There isn't a medical answer, there isn't a therapeutic answer. Sometimes life is just crappy and you wade through it as best as you can.

What my therapist strongly recommended is that I do the best I am able at work and make sure to give myself things to enjoy and appreciate outside of work. The obvious things are dancing, activities, hiking, going places, seeing friends. That's the easy stuff.

There is also getting things accomplished, like reorganizing my desk, getting rid of stuff, or taking care of something that's been frustrating me. This part is tough for me, because while I like getting stuff accomplished, getting started is really difficult for me. In fact, starting a task can result in some nasty feedback loops.

I came back to work before I was ready out a sense of obligation. When I came back to work, it was not easy. Instead I got hit with a lot of stress. I had my first semester grades challenged, I was observed by someone from the district, there was a suicide and many of my students are worried about living in Trump's America, so they are stressed and frustrated. This has been a very difficult year to be a teacher and my health problems haven't make it any easier. Yet I hold myself to standards that are unreasonable. The overall message was that I need to be kind to myself.

I would rather not leave my job right now. I just need to get through these final weeks and then I can plan for a recuperative summer. To put things in perspective, my therapist thinks I should take a year off. I understand her thinking, but I believe that I would regret losing what gives my life such purpose. I may change my mind if I am still having trouble after a few weeks of summer.

So if I am going to stay at work, which is going to be draining, I need to compensate. I have 8 weekends, one of which is Memorial Day weekend. I have evenings. I need to get out, but it needs to be mostly rejuvenating activities, not things that will spike my social anxiety. I'm not sure if I can go back to Fusion/Blues dancing, for example. I like the style of dance, but getting partners was a trigger for my anxiety.

It also means that I have to not only watch how I spend my time, but with who. Since he makes a convenient example, I'll use Lawyer Guy. I realize that I might have been able to salvage that relationship, but I'm glad I didn't. He would have taken emotional work that I simply don't have to spare. I am not entirely comfortable with this idea, but my reserves are limited. That means that if I find an activity emotionally draining, I need to avoid it. The same goes for people that ask too much of me. I have to figure out how to say no to them or stop spending time with them.

The hardest of these is my mother. My mother is a very needy person. Spending time with her leaves me drained. I don't know how to explain this to her. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also can't spare her a lot of my emotional bandwidth right now. Wow, even writing that is kicking my anxiety into overdrive. What sort of daughter abandons her mother?

I want to go to Disneyland. It's expensive, but 9 out of 10 times, it helps. While going over a weekend is less that ideal, I would like to go before the summer rush.  Regrettably, finding people who can afford it and want to go is difficult.

I want to go to the Renaissance Fair in Irwindale. It goes through 5/21. While not as expensive as Disneyland, there is a cost. Again, finding someone to go with is a concern.

Easier things are activities that are fun. I am not good at finding stuff, but I need to get out. I need fun, things that will make me able to face work. I'm afraid to put this out there, because I feel guilty if invitations are offered and then I have to refuse them. Balance isn't something I'm terribly capable of right now. But I need things to look forward to, to give me a reason to get through another week.

I don't know if I am explaining it well, but hopefully I'm getting the gist across.

The things I need to avoid are things that will deplete me emotionally. No sad movies, tragic plays, depressing music, or activities that require a lot of emotional investment. I won't be seeing Les Miserable for a while.

This might seem pretty obvious, but the idea of protecting myself is not one I was raised with. I've never done anything like this, at least not intentionally.