One of the things I have learned since I started this blog is that sex is easy. It's easy to get, it's easy to find, it's easy to give. I have found that sex is also meaningless. It's just bodies and while it might feel good in the moment, the lack of connection, of trust, of feeling just eats away at my soul. I won't say never, but I find that at the moment, mere sex holds no interest for me.
I want connection, I want intimacy, I want trust.
Sex is pretending to be whole, even when I am not. Sex is pretending everything is fine, even thought it isn't. Sex is a pretense. That's why it's easy.
However just sex drains me. It makes me feel empty. It makes me feel alone.
This isn't aimed at my current or even past intimate partners. If I wanted to tell someone I was with that I felt our intimacy was empty, I wouldn't tell them via the internet. Just so we are all clear. I am establishing context.
I am beginning to find that this feeling reaches beyond sex. In the past few months, I have seen what true friends are like. They show up with crockpots at my door, they text me the middle of their weekend to tell me how much they wish I were there, they are confident enough in the friendship to make really funny and snarky jokes, they are the people who understand that even though I don't see them, I still care. They are the ones that remind me that they care for me in all sorts of ways. They are the people with whom my social anxiety can't really argue, because even it can't come up with a good reason to believe that these people aren't friends.
I know this might seem obvious to most people, but I missed this lesson whenever it was supposed to be taught. My sense of worth has long been defined by what I can offer someone. If I can't offer something tangible, then I should leave. My social anxiety gets triggered when I feel that I am not holding up my end of the relationship.
I have come to realize something, that feeling of worthlessness is a lie. A good relationship, a quality relationship, has nothing to do with what I offer. It's not about sex, emotional support, gifts or anything else. A person likes me for who and what I am, regardless of how much I am able to offer at any given moment in time. A relationship is worthwhile because the people involved trust that it will balance out in the end. Not that it has to happen by mystical and magical means. I think that communication is important. That's part of the connection. Feeling confident enough to say that you need something and feeling strong enough to say that you can't give something is important. If one person is depressed, unhappy or needy and the other person can't handle it, then I think a friend shouldn't abandon the person. They tell the person they are overwhelmed and then offer to help them find professional help. If that doesn't work, then maybe some tough love in is order. "I can't help you until you help yourself." I am not saying a relationship should end up one sided, but that there might be periods when it will be.
If I am looking at a relationship and figuring things on a tally sheet or I think the other person is doing the same, it's probably time to get out. If I am thinking to myself, "I should probably put up a shield so they don't realize how badly I am doing" I probably shouldn't be spending time with that person. Because those are the people that put me into that socially anxious mind set.
This is something hard for me, because I know, at the moment, I am in an incredibly negative space. I am tired, I woke up sick, and I am feeling very lonely. It's easy to just assume I have no friends, not because that is what I want, but because that feels simple.
The challenge is to find the people I feel connected to and try to reach out to them, not because I have something to give. I have to reach out because I like them and I believe they like me; even if I am not whole, not fine, nor do I have my shit together. I have to understand that they don't care, because despite all that, they like me because that's just the state I am in currently, that's not who I am.
As for the people who find the idea of me being sick, tired, depressed, and what else, a drain. I understand and will leave them the hell alone. Not everyone will like me. That's just the way things are and that is all right.
I never liked U2 when I was younger. I think that might have been because I just didn't get them. I find I like their music a lot more now, so they are providing today's weather.
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