The first thing that happened were all the comments over the past couple of days. My previous entry made some people defensive. They wanted to be heard and I felt that I should listen. Some of the things that were said were very hard to read/hear. I am still trying to process through it all. My takeaway was often the most negative possible interpretation of what was written, even though I doubt that is what was intended.
We had a seminar on suicide prevention for teens in response to the student who recently took their own life. I learned a new term, which I like. People who grew up with trauma are referred to as A.C.E.s or Adverse Childhood Experiences. There is something so elegant about that term, so much better than survivor or victim. I wish I could explain what its like to live in a reality where there is a steady stream of negative talk. I can give all the reasons for it, but it's easier to just say that I am an A.C.E. I do not have a sense of my own worth in this world and that makes me very defensive.
The second thing was when I went dancing last night. I have been intending to try Blues/Fusion dancing for quite a while and so last night I decided to go. It has been a long time since I was a "new dancer". While I was new to Contra dancing, it is based on styles of dance I know very well. I enjoy Contra dancing, but learning it has not felt challenging. It's just fun. Last night was a Fusion event. It was hard. It comes out of dance styles I am only slightly familiar with. It uses moves that I am not entirely comfortable doing. The dance style is counter-intuitive to the more formal styles with which I am experienced. There is no basic pattern, there is no timed moves and the dance is not about directly connecting to the beat of the music, but connecting to your partner, using the music as a guide. (At least that is what I took from the lesson.)
I am a good dancer. I have been dancing for over half my life. I know enough and have danced enough that I was able to get the basic moves. When the instructor took me out on the floor, I was able to follow him. He is an incredible lead and a talented dancer, but I felt like I held my own and that I was able to follow his lead, not get pulled through it. Fusion dancing was a lot of fun and as I left the floor, I was excited to try this new style.
I wish I could have held on to that feeling, but almost no one asked me to dance. Outside of the instructor, I only knew the two people who were in the lesson with me. I know both of them from other venues, one is a good friend, the other is an acquaintance. I danced with both of them. I danced with the one person who asked me. I had hoped to meet an acquaintance, but he forgot I was going to be there and when he did show up, he blew right past me. (I found out later that he had just received some rough news, which is why he forgot that I planned to attend.)
I had been waiting for my acquaintance to arrive. When they did not notice me, I felt my confidence and thus my energy drain from my feet. I could feel tears of frustration because I wanted to dance, but I felt like no one wanted to dance with me. I felt like I was holding my friend back, so I encouraged them to dance without me. I do not know if it was a difference in age, supposed experience level or energy, but I felt like my friend had no trouble attracting partners.
It didn't help things that I got home to a post on social media that included a picture of my friend dancing over 90 minutes later.
Please don't ask me why I didn't ask people to dance, as thought it were easy. It was my first night in a new venue, it would have been nice if people would have welcomed me, asked me to dance, and, I don't know, encouraged me to come again. If I wanted to hustle for partners, I could attend vintage ballroom events; at least I know how to lead and follow and can dance with people who are happy to have a skilled partner.
As I drove home last night, I felt old and stupid. I felt like I would have received at least some attention if I were inexperienced and 25, that my experience and skill didn't matter or perhaps simply didn't apply in this venue. I felt stupid for thinking that there is any form of couple dancing where my age, my marital status and my attractiveness won't be a limiter the number of dances I can do. I know I'm in a very negative space. I have a love/hate relationship with dancing. I love to dance, it's one of my most purest expressions of joy. I hate that it also kicks my social anxiety into overdrive and so I will avoid learning new styles and/or stay away from venues where I feel that I am not appealing as a partner, for whatever reason.
Maybe I should just take up bowling.
Today's weather is the only blues/fusion song I had ever danced to before last night. I love the pulse of it.
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