I was talking to a friend today and the gist of what I told them was that we are humans, we have emotions and it is all right to share them. It is even all right to share the negative ones, because that's what makes sharing the positive ones all the more powerful. The caveat being that there has to be positive emotions to share.
Talking to this friend is always a good thing for me. They really help me clarify my thoughts and feelings about people and events going on in my life. So I spoke to them about how I am feeling and thinking about a lot of things in my life.
Shy Bloke, the guy I was out with on Thursday, when I wanted to leave early, I figured what I want to do about that. I am going to let it sit for a couple of days. I am not sure if I want to pursue a friendship or not. He's a nice person, but due to his social awkwardness, spending time with him takes a lot of work. It's rewarding, but I am not sure that I want to take on a project friendship. I realized that I am not obligated to be his friend just because I know how to deal with him.
That might seem really obvious, but I like to help people and it doesn't often occur to me that I don't have to. I think it's a family trait, getting involved in peoples' lives and trying to be of assistance. My grandmother was a social worker and I can't recall when there wasn't someone calling her for help, advice, or assistance. She always knew the agency to call or the place a person could go. In retrospect, I realize that my grandmother neglected her own family at times; she really had trouble saying no to people. (There was a family policy that Grandma wasn't allowed to answer the phone during dinner time because we all got tired of her spending an entire meal talking to someone while we were visiting.)
The reason I have to consider whether or not to continue to engage with Shy Bloke is because I need to disengage with another person in my life whom I consider a very close friend. I realized over the past few days (with the help of the friend I spent today with) that I simply cannot help them. I want to, I have tried, but they are beyond my ability to assist and it's draining me and taking away resources from others in my life. I sent the person a note (a hand written one, because it seemed appropriate given what I said about communicating in person or with quill and paper). I let them know that I will help them choose a therapist, provided they want my advice. It is the only help I can offer them right now. While I am not an expert, I have my own experience in choosing psychological care and as someone who teaches psychology, I am rather familiar with the various approaches and can help this person choose a therapist based on more than location.
I realized today that if they don't choose to pursue some sort of therapy, I can't keep this friend in my life. I did not say this in my note, or at least I didn't it state it outright, although I implied it. I will still care about them, but I have to care about myself and that means that I have to stop getting involved until they do something for themselves. I know that therapy (or even psychotropics) isn't a magical solution. However it would be a step in a more positive direction. I am of the opinion that until they take that step, I have to maintain my distance.
I am trying to decide if I should share this decision with their partner. She does not really care for me and the feeling is somewhat mutual. I feel like I should tell her, out of fairness. I just can't see a way to tell her that doesn't come across as me suggesting that I am taking some sort of moral high ground and delivering an ultimatum. I suppose that is because I am taking a moral high ground and I am delivering an ultimatum. However I am not doing it because of my friend, I am doing it because of me. Over the last X number of times we have interacted whether on the phone, in person, or via text/e-mail, I have ended up drained and upset. I have been trying to help them and be understanding and I realized that while their heart is in the right place, they simply cannot be my friend right now.
I suppose if I tell their partner that I don't feel they can be a friend, I am suggesting that they aren't being a very good partner and that feels wrong to me. I don't know if they are a good partner, I only know that I feel that they have been a crappy friend. I discussed it with my therapist and she noted that while this person has been important in my life for quite a while, I could not identify many recent positive interactions. There were a large number of negatives interactions that have been causing me pain. I realized I needed to take my own advice. Sharing negative emotions is acceptable, but only if there are positive ones too.
My friend has apologized every time these negative interactions happened, but they keep happening. Without change, apologies become meaningless. I know my friend has tried to make things better, but I think they need more help than either their partner or I can give them. I can't keep getting hit with the emotional backlash, so I feel that I have to disengage. While my friend isn't the only reason I have been waking up at 4am so frequently, I think they are one of the reasons that I have trouble getting back to sleep. Concern and worry for them and about our friendship has caused a lot of sleeplessness.
I was convinced a few hours ago that I should write to my friend's partner and let them know my decision. Now I am not so sure. I can't imagine a way it would be well received and given the partner's disdain for me, I doubt they would care about my choice, in fact they will probably be relieved that they no longer have to deal with me, even peripherally. Telling them just seems like the fair thing to do.
Perhaps I will let them know my choice and invite them to ask me questions if they feel the need. Maybe I'll just try saying nothing and just leave it at that.
It's hard to walk away from a friendship. I do it rarely. I hope that this is a temporary stay. I really do, but something has to change and if my friend can't make change happen, then I have to draw a boundary.
I don't see what can be helped by contacting their partner. The thing is between you and the other person. There is no need to inform their partner about your decision. They are not the person's parent or guardian.
ReplyDeleteThe person can inform their partner as they see fit.
I think you are very right. It was not a matter of helping, it was more of courtesy. I am not sure it makes sense, but it seemed a polite thing to do.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think it would be helpful and so I think you are right, I won't say anything.