"Leave your situations at the door /So when you step inside jump on the floor..."

Well I got the pineapple juice and the marshmallows. I bought myself soup. No teddy bear.

I have a sinus infection, a nasty one. I don’t usually run fevers for more than a day and I’ve had this one for 48 hours. It bloody hurts.

There’s been distractions, good and bad. There has been kindness. My classroom neighbor is printing out and making copies for my psych class tomorrow and dropping them off to the sub. Our office clerk got me a great substitute yesterday and the same substitute is returning today. My husband brought me fruit ices to soothe my sore throat.

There’s been a lot of texting with people for the last couple of days. I’m reminded how heartless a text exchange can be. It isn't that either person is setting out to hurt the other. However the past couple of days have reminded me how important facial expressions, tone, and context can be.

That doesn't mean that a text conversation cannot be positive. I hate being home sick and having people to chat with during the day makes it feel less isolated. A friend was able to ask me questions that I don't think they would ask in person (and I don't see this friend nearly often enough anyway.) However, I was also reminded that without facial expressions and tone of voice, the gentlest push back is very easy to misinterpret as a rejection.

I am sick. I feel like crap. Dishing dirt, gossiping, exchanging funny stories or talking about things mundane is fine. Talking about a specific issue or working through a misunderstanding can be helpful, especially if distance is an issue. I am home, I can be patient and I am in a position to take my time. However, looking through the conversation, I realized that it was rife with opportunities for things to go horribly awry and I am relieved that things resolved the way they did. (I believe it was a net positive, I hope I am right.)

I am starting to think that what any conversation needs, but a text one especially, is compassion.  I know that i can sometimes lack compassion, I think many people do over text. When we see a person, when we can hear them, I think something happens in our brain. We empathize and feel. We know how we feel and we can put ourselves into the other person's place.

When I text with people, I have been told I tend to monologue. I write vast swaths of words that have to be waded through. While I will certainly own that I am verbose, I think there is another reason. When I am reading a book, I can develop genuine feelings for and identify with a character. It is much harder for me to feel that way when I am reading a play. Unless the dialogue is really compelling, a play loses something when it is merely read. Cyrano is an asshole who mocks everyone and Romeo is just a whiny, spoiled brat.

I wonder if the reason I tend to write in swaths is because I am trying to help the other person relate to what I am feeling, thinking as well as saying. I am trying to give them context. I am sick. I am unhappy. I feel pain. I am excited or whatever. I want them to relate to me and understand that in the framework of what I am writing.

For once, all this self reflection has resulted in something useful. Context is everything. The way we relate to another person that frightens us is more than an obvious mug of fear and crossing to the other side of the street. It's a deeply layered set of reactions in face, mind, body. In order to look authentic when acting or doing improv, that multi-leveled context has to be considered. I have been struggling with how to present this idea to others and I realize that I can use an excerpt from a play  compared to an excerpt from a novel should be a powerful learning tool. 

"Harmony and Understanding..."

Dear Internet,

I am writing to you because today has sucked. Now, I understand that what I mean by suck is some of the most middle class and bourgeois shit ever, but isn't that what you are for? A place for people to complain about their first world problems?

I can't sleep and this is the third night in a row. Among the reasons I can't sleep:

• My teeth hurt. They have hurt for nearly a week. I thought it was a cavity or something, but I am starting to wonder if it is my ears. Ever since I perforated my ear drum eight years ago, ear and lymphatic infections screw over my sinuses, making them swell, with pushes on my jaw, which makes my teeth super sensitive. A while ago, I went in to the dentist, sure that I needed a root canal only to find out that I had a nasty ear infection and needed antibiotics. (I'm still calling the dentist tomorrow.)

• I started running a fever today, which given the amount of advil and tylenol I have been taking for the pain, is impressive. It also worries me because if it isn't an ear infection, that could be some serious problems with my mouth.

• My throat is sore (more support for my ear infection theory.) It hurts to swallow and it just plain hurts.

• My husband yelled at me. He was in a pissy mood and he took it out on me. He rarely yells, so forgiving him that wasn't a problem. However he didn't tell the person, whom he was actually annoyed at, that he was angry. He didn't say anything to them and that was irritating to say the least. Tell the person you think dropped the ball that you are upset at them, don't take it out on your sick and exhausted wife. (My husband and I discussed this and while I am not sure he felt that yelling at the person he was mad at would have been effective, he did apologize again for being a butt head.)

• I just wanted some TLC and attention (and I feel like I say this a lot.) I didn't ask anyone. Well, that's not completely true, but I asked too late. I should figure out people I can call when I am having a bad night. But all I can think is that people don't want to deal with my problems and so I keep them to myself.

• I don't know what to do about the on-again/off-again relationship. I don't want to let it go, I really don't. But sitting down and having a conversation about the relationship (and the fact that I don't like the constant fluctuation) is like trying to plan around a conjunction of planets in the seventh house of Aquarius. There just never seems to be a right time and the planets are just not aligning. I am ready to give up. And I know, I keep saying that...please don't start internet. If there is anyplace I can contradict myself, it should when I am writing to you.

What do I want? That's a very good question, internet. I want to feel better.

1. I want to stop being in pain.
2. I want to sleep.
3. I want someone to take care of me. I want soothing soup. hot tea, marshmallows, a teddy bear to snuggle while I'm tucked on the couch watching movies. I don't want to be left alone, I want to be taken care of, kept company, soothed and otherwise snuggled and cuddled.
4. I want my husband to stop stressing in my direction,
5. I want my fluctuating relationship to make up it's damn mind one way or the other.
6. I want fresh pineapple juice.
7. I want marshmallows, really good ones.
8. I want a teddy bear, a new one. 
9. I want to be gracious and accepting of anyone who does even one of the above and not feel guilty or like a bad person. I don't want to worry that I don't have anything to offer the person. 

Well, at least the song for this post was an obvious one, at least to me. If you click the video link, you can skip right to the song.

"'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue..."

It is a truism that it takes two to build relationship but only one to break it. I think that is mostly true, but I’m beginning to see many places where a relationship has to be sustained by one person while the other puts their energies elsewhere.

My husband is a great example. I know that I am important to him. However, one of the things that has been challenging is to remember that when he is working a lot of overtime (like he is right now.) While he does his best, he can’t be very attentive when he is working nearly 10 hours a day on top of a significant commute.

It isn’t easy for either of us, and it is something I struggle with rather frequently. We can’t even always discuss it because he will be too tired to have the emotional energy to do so.

In cases like that, there are two people in the relationship, but only one is really putting in the energy. They are sustaining it for the other person because they know, for whatever reason, that their relationship partner is unable to do so. I have also learned with my husband that it will never be an hour to hour exchange. The currency in our relationship is connection and we each express our connection to the other in our own way.

I wish it hadn’t taken two marriages to learn that lesson, but I guess I should be happy I’ve learned it.

My previous husband stopped putting energy into our marriage, but I was slow to realize it. (this is all my opinion, if you want his side, ask him.) Our relationship was on rocky ground and so I decided that I would drop everything I could and focus on us. I gave up dancing, seeing my friends, I even dropped all of my classes that semester so we could do couples therapy. I felt that our relationship was important and my ex, having just started a new job, was pretty overwhelmed. I poured energy into the relationship trying to resolve things.

One night, my ex decided that since I was home, he could go out and leave the kids with me. I was devastated, because it was the day before he was going on a business trip. I don’t remember how I found out, but I learned that he had lied to me about where he was going. I also found out he was lying to his friend and telling this person that I was unwilling to work on our marriage. All of our problems were my fault. (I am of the opinion that my ex was angling to create a relationship with this person after they were able to get rid of me without looking like an absolute cad.)

When I found out, I told his friend, in no uncertain terms, that this had not been the case. I told the friend that I felt that they were enabling my ex’s destructive behavior as well as damaging any hope of our marriage being saved. If this is what the friend wanted to do, that was their business, but I wanted to make sure they were aware of my side so they were able to make informed decisions.

The friend told my ex where to go for telling lies and refused to talk to him again.  (This friend helped me pack up the house, load the moving van and settle into my new place. While we aren't close, we are still friendly some thirteen years later. As far as I know, they never spoke to my ex again.)

My ex blew a gasket and dumped me via instant messenger while he was away on a business trip. (I will own that I goaded him, it wasn’t entirely his fault.)

I found out later that my ex hadn’t meant to end the relationship, at least not then. Regardless, it did not matter. That interaction was the last straw. I felt that I had been sustaining the relationship for too long and as soon as I stopped, the relationship disintegrated.

I know I am not perfect, but I believe that I am quite willing to put energy and effort into a relationship that matters to me. Whether it be friendship or something more, I know people go through phases and that people will surge and draw back in emotional relationships.  I don’t expect the friend who just had a baby or who just lost his job to spend time listening to my problems. I know that there is a time for patience. I think I am also better about appreciating the different ways people connect to each other.

But my ex also taught me that at a certain point there is no longer a point; a relationship may not be worth salvaging and it will end the minute I stop trying. Now if I only knew the difference between someone who just needs some patience and a relationship that is beyond repair, I would a far wiser and far richer woman.

Today's song came up thanks to Spotify. I am not sure what I like more, the fact it's a waltz (albeit too fast) or because I found it too damn easy to relate to the lyrics.

“There's just too much that time cannot erase...” (font issues addressed)

I have discussed my issues with strong emotions before. I was told, like so many people, that I could go to my room until I was fit to be with people. I never learned how to deal with really strong emotions other than to stuff them away and pretend that they didn’t exist.

I know that isn’t terribly healthy.

This is what my therapist and I have been working on recently. I am working on the idea that there is no such thing as inappropriate emotions. There is no such thing as emotions that are too strong. What I am supposed to do is the following:

·      Look at the emotions I am feeling

o   (Hello emotions).

·      I am supposed to examine why I might be feeling said strong emotions.

o   (“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”  - Yoda)

·      And then I am supposed to check with another person involved in the situation about how I am feeling.

o   (Hey friend-of-mine, I am feeling forgotten and marginalized, here’s why. Thoughts?)

This process has not as easy as writing it out is. I am pretty good at noting I have emotions. I am fairly good at knowing why I am feeling an emotion. I can’t detach from it and talk about it. At least I was unable to do so today.

Hmmm, let me think of a good example. There was something that came up this morning that made me do some thinking.

A number of years ago I was part of a Dickens’ group. I believe I have discussed it before. I feel like I poured my heart and soul into this group. I tried to make myself useful, so I wasn’t just a member of the cast. I fed people and trucked in water. After three years of providing food and water, I found out, at the close of day cast party, that my ex-husband’s current spouse was going to be moving into a larger role in the group. Because of the way I was told and the way I felt treated, I made the assumption that I would not be welcome the following year.

A number of personal issues happened in the year following that cast party, so I never directly asked. I did not participate at Dickens’ fair for the next three years and when I did return, I joined a different group. I am going into my tenth year with them. While it hasn’t been all smooth sailing, I can’t imagine a better cast for me.

However I realized that I have a great deal of anger and frustration left over from things I think happened thirteen years ago. Because of those feelings, I have made number of choices and decisions based on suppositions.

A couple of years ago I had some problems in my current group and I simply assumed that they would want me to leave, that they wouldn’t want my drama. (I failed to take into account that I wasn’t the sole cause of the issues, I didn’t examine what was causing my fear and while I did discuss it with other people if I was checking perceptions, I wasn’t listening when they told me that they didn’t want me to leave.

I hadn’t really thought about this process until this morning. A friend and I were talking about another friend who we think may be feeling marginalized . I don’t know what is going on or if they are really feeling that way, but it made me think about how easy it is for one’s personal baggage to take a neutral situation and make it feel like something negative.

This came up for me again later this morning. There was a situation that came up (about which I will be deliberately vague) where I have some very bad associations. I reacted with cold anger. I just don’t want to deal with my anger any more. I know that I might be taking a neutral situation and allowing it to be very negative. However I know why I’m feeling the way I do and while it would be very nice to check how I am feeling with someone, I have the feeling the overall opinion of people would be that I am better off just walking away from a situation where I feel such anger.

At the moment, I am sitting down and thinking. I spent the morning in a cold burn and frustrated. I was unable to get my day started on time. Thankfully my tardiness was not a problem (it normally would have been).

My therapist, the one who talked to me about dealing with my emotions, suggested that I don’t make any decisions for the next few weeks. There is a lot of change and motion going on in my life and so this isn’t a time to make final choices.

I understand her point, but today hurt. It is so much easier to stuff my emotions and walk away than to process through the bad associations and work this out with the others involved. There is a lot of stress in my life and dealing with these emotions today was crap. Dealing with it while I am trying to deal with other stresses is not how I wanted to spend my day.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am worried that I am making an assumption like I did back with that Dickens’ group, that because I’m in a negative space I am taking a neutral situation and making it much worse than it is. On the other hand, I think that leaving that Dickens group was probably for the better, as much as I miss being a part of it.

"Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?..."

What do you do when communication fails?

It isn't often that I believe I am right. I mean, I really think that I am right. The pattern is so painfully obvious that I feel like I can piece it together like a puzzle. If there is anything I think I know, it's people.

Except I don't anymore.

A friend sent me an e-mail asking if there was anything they could do to make a particular dance venue more comfortable. My answer was "not really". This friend and I had what could politely be called a misunderstanding. I am not sure how, but I figure I screwed up. I can own that and so I did pull back until I could figure out how to proceed. I never figured it out.

But I am not avoiding the venue because of them. I am avoiding it because I have no positive associations and I have a host of negative ones. I have spent more than a year trying to connect with that social group and I am only left with the feeling that unless I am providing a service (such as providing food) I have no value.

I know this is an ongoing problem. I spent three years in a Dickens group. I coordinated food and water for the run of our performances. I poured my time and energy into this group. I had hoped by making myself useful, I would be welcome. I learned that it didn't matter how much I did, when someone with more status decided they didn't want me there, I was politely invited not to return the following year. It was three years before I felt comfortable returning as a Dickens participant and I am far more wary.

I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for the past year. It has been an emotional mess. I have made many excuses and taken much of the blame for the problems in the relationship. I have given this person my love and support despite a number of issues between us. Yesterday I felt shamed because I wanted to see them, that I wanted their love and support.

One of my friends told me today that if I had told her that I wanted to see her everyday, she would have told me how sweet that was, given me some affirmation and then brought up reality. This same friend also brought up some issues she is having with her ex and I saw a number of parallels between her relationship and mine. The big one being what I see as an unwillingness to admit mistakes and work through them. It seems that her ex and mine are more interested in dismissing our concerns and proving that they are the injured party. I know that there is fault on both sides and my friend and I have become our own echo chamber. That said, I think that both her ex and mine don't understand how fortunate they were to have had such supportive partners in their lives. I believe they are really going to feel the loss in the coming months.

Or maybe I am wrong and these are lies that I tell myself for comfort.

When I end relationships it is usually a simple matter. I delete connections, I cease communication and I proceed as though the person doesn't matter until that becomes my reality. I hate being emotionally invested in people after a relationship has run its course. I learned the hard way that its stupid and a waste of time. (Thank you ex-husband, who walked away from a relationship of seven years and our family because he didn't get his way and threw a tantrum.)

I haven't been able to do that with this person. I still feel as strongly about them as I ever have. It hurts. I didn't sleep last night. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I am just trying to make it from hour to hour until I can go home and collapse into tears. I have had to put in arbitrary stops so that I won't contact them again. I have to remind myself that my texts, e-mails, phone calls or any action will not be well received. This is how stupid I am, I am at 5.5 hours and counting. I hate being pathetic.

I have to remind myself that just because I could write them a novel, they will not care what I have to tell them. I have to tell myself that there is no future, there is no friendship potential, there is nothing left between us. This mantra is just to get me through today. I am worried that I will end up bitter and hating them before this is over, I am so frustrated and angry and I feel so thwarted and helpless. I just don't understand why we aren't able to fix this.

I guess I just have to take Tylenol (although that has some side effects, since it dulls all of your emotions) and try and keep myself distracted.

Today's song was a toss up between Evanescence and something more modern. I decided to share Evanescence (video link) with them, because I'm feeling rather 14 at the moment. You all get what 17 year old me would have shared. 

And when it seemed that I would always be lonely...

Yesterday is pounding in my head, literally.

I have been stressing so badly that I am clenching my teeth and it really hurts. I have a headache that won't go away. (This was part of the reason I was drinking yesterday, since painkillers weren't helping and I was hoping that some wine would help relax me.)

My husband is wonderful and he made sure to listen to me last night, which I really appreciated. I had lunch with some of my colleagues today. One of them reminded me that people meet in her room every Wednesday for lunch and I should come next week. What I am trying to say is that I am  getting support and a chance to talk to people.

I still feel lonely. 

I was talking to someone yesterday. They know more than probably anyone but my husband about what is going on. They were one of the few people I was fully confiding in. They knew that I received some pretty awful news on Monday night. When I told them about it later that same evening, their first response was to say, "If there is something I can do to help, please let me know."

They were one of the people who told me yesterday that I was asking too much. It started when they asked me when I would like to get together this week. I said, in jest, "every night?" That didn't go over well and I got a lecture yesterday. I will excerpt some of it:

"As for giving up a day, we have been over this before and i’m sorry if it comes across as shaming. Each week I have four weeknights available. I should spend one of them being social, if I can, like [group activity]. I would like to spend at least one of them seeing a friend on a more personal level. I need one to unwind and just have time for myself. And I need one to get things done, like cleaning and laundry....

...I am trying to carefully understand my needs and set boundaries. I know I will not always be perfect, but I am trying my best. I believe I am getting better. Thank you for understanding."(quoted without permission)

This was all before I had actually said anything about what I wanted or needed. All I had done is express frustration that they were only available one day this week and yesterday was the was the first I had heard of it. Normally it wouldn't be a huge problem, but my weekend is not my own, so my one-on-one social time is going to be drastically limited and I really needed a friend to talk to.

That's what started it all. We were discussing the week. We had not even gotten to the part where the friend asked me if I was doing better or if there was something they could do to help. We had exchanged pleasantries and before I could tell them anything, they told me about their limited availability. 

Yes, it was all via texting. I tried to explain my frustration, but things didn't go well. In fact the conversation went downhill and then underwater and I believe it ended up somewhere in the Mariana Trench.

 It hurt. 

It cut deeply to be told how I was begrudging them time with other people and that I was too demanding. This person is aware that my husband is working a lot of overtime, but that didn't stop them from reminding me that I should be leaning on him and not asking other people. Eventually I just decided that I shouldn't ask them for support and I should stop offering it to them.

This isn't the first time that texting with someone has gone poorly for me. In fact, I feel that a number of my recent relationships have been ended because of a text conversation that has gone horribly awry. 

At the moment, I don't have any texting buddies and that is probably for the best, at least from an emotional perspective. However, teaching is a very lonely profession and I like having people to talk to. On a day like today, when I am faced with a lot of work, it's nice to have company. I guess I just suck at not taking things personally, so the texting goes poorly.

So I have a stack of work and a headache. It's been a crappy week and it's only Wednesday. This week can just go die in a fire.

 

 edited for spelling errors and to make certain points more clearly.

"Take me away from this big bad world..."

I had too much to drink last night.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I never felt drunk. In fact the quantity of alcohol wasn't a great deal. I suppose this is a shiny addition to being diabetic, since alcohol lowers blood sugar. I take medication that regulates my glucose production. I didn't measure it last night, but I am going to guess that my blood sugar was pretty low by the time I went to bed.

First to check my privilege. I have health insurance. My medication co pay is very reasonable and my diabetes (so far) isn't that bad.

As to why I know I drank too much? Well the internet never forgets. Oh, don't go looking, you won't find twitter rants and I don't think my facebook entries were particularly unusual. But instantaneous communication isn't always a blessing.

I didn't say anything I didn't actually feel. I said it far harsher and nastier than I should have, but I believed it at the time and it's mostly true now. I could apologize to the person, but it would only be for the tone, not really for the content. That seems a fairly hollow apology. As a dear friend is fond of telling me, filters don't change the way you feel, they just make you more careful about how you express it.

So the snarky comment about texting, that was aimed at me. Yes, I feel someone was being an ass yesterday, but all I had to do was close my texting window. I didn't. I do regret that. Texting was clearly not working and I lacked the judgement to just put my phone down.

However that's another reason to forego the apology. It would have to be in text and experience tells me that whether it be e-mail, text, or written letter, the apology will be taken the wrong way and not make things better.

So today I am going to put my head down into my work and try not to feel too much. Today, I will try to leave my phone in my bag and ignore it. (Okay, not really, it's my phone and it has all my music. But I'll try to leave the virtual world to itself today. In fact today's song is the first one my phone served up.)

"Who's going to come around when you break?"

I have not been writing much. There are a number of reasons, most of which are working together. I haven't been doing much recently but going to work and trying to wade through the current morass.

My husband has been and continues to be very busy at work. He has been working late and has been going in on weekends. I was aware that overtime was going to occur and tried to be prepared for it, but that doesn't make it any easier when he isn't around most evenings and weekends.

There has been the usual stress of starting a new year at school. It has been exacerbated by one of my friend/colleagues being pulled into the math department, another friend/colleague is teaching six periods, so she doesn't have a prep period. Because of these changes, I don't have my usual lunch time buddies and I miss talking and bouncing ideas off of them.

Last week was brutal. I had my first observation (which evaluates me as a teacher) on Tuesday. I went to court with my mother on Wednesday. Thursday was Back-to-School night, which resulted in a fourteen hour day. I made it through Friday, but barely. 

It was a busy week, but the thing that took up most of my bandwidth was my mother's assault and burglary case. Due to everything that went on last week, I have been behind at work, which has added to my stress. However, what I wasn't prepared for was the emotional impact of being in the courtroom. I accomplished absolutely nothing last weekend.

Until I saw my mother on the stand, recounting her experience, I don't think I understood how traumatic it had been. Two young men, both around 17 pushed their way into her home, they threatened her with a gun, tied her up, and stole her valuables, including her purse. They told her that if she called the police, they would come back and kill her.

It was hard for me. I can't imagine how difficult it was for the mother of the boy. I can't imagine listening to some woman recounting such a horrible experience and knowing that my child was likely responsible for another person's pain. I don't blame the mom, I grew up in Stockton, I know what challenges that her child and she have likely faced. He is a young black man and his prospects are very limited. That doesn't excuse that he is a criminal and that he threatened my mother, but I know that he likely saw few other options. It was hard seeing a young man, who could have been one of my students, starting down the road of lifetime incarceration.

My mother cannot positively ID either of the two men who assaulted her. The DA can prosecute them for being in a stolen car with stolen property, but that is it. It is likely that the men will get two years in the California Youth Authority and maybe a felony charge on their adult records.

Seeing her on the stand, I realized that my mother is getting old and that she is beginning the slow process of losing her faculties. I experienced this for over 5 years with my father before he passed.  I have a good idea what I am likely in for and I know how bad it can be. I am an only child and so while there will be help from my uncles, the majority of the responsibility will fall to me. The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming.

My mother installed an alarm system and my husband and I plan to install web cams outside of her door. The only way she could move is if I buy her house, which then sticks me with a property in Stockton and more debt than I can afford. (She took out a reverse mortgage on the house.) I am worried what happens when those men get out or when their friends decide to get some payback.

I do not know how to cope with everything that is going on. I remind myself that it isn't my place to fix everything. I remind myself that I have a right to live my own life. I'm just not living it.

I spent most of the last weekend sleeping. I am not a nap person, but I took naps on Saturday and Sunday. I have been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I am holding myself together, but by the skin of my teeth. I keep my head buried in my work, I mostly stare at the TV when I am at home. I haven't been able to be social for quite a while. As much as I know that I need in-person interaction, I don't have the bandwidth to deal with my social anxiety.

I've been leaning on a few people in my life. I got the message that I am leaning too hard, so I feel that I should pull back from them too. I don't want to impose, so I am not sure where I can or should turn.

As much as I know that I need to ban "ought to" and "should be" from my vocabulary, those phrases are haunting me. I feel that I should be more attentive of my family. I feel that I ought to be more supportive of my husband while he is working all of this overtime. I know that I am adding to my own stress, but I can't seem to help myself.

I am not asking for help or advice. I have noticed that a couple of people have reached out to ask me why I am not dancing, going to the upcoming gaming convention or doing the other things that I am usually involved in this time of year. While I plan to talk to those kind folks directly, I figured that if there is anything that this blog is good for is to let people know that I am deliberately isolating myself because there is just a lot going on in my life. I know it isn't the healthiest choice, but I only have so much I can spare and right now the basics are all I feel able to do.

I am taking my medications. I am talking to my therapist. I am trying to work through my mental exercises. I am hoping that I will get through this and come out the other side. Thankfully Dickens is coming and my family doesn't make me feel anxious. I can't wait to see them, to play my character and pretend that Rachel's problems don't exist for a little while.

Left to my own devices, I probably would...

I don't know what it's like to be truly certain of things. Between social anxiety and wondering if am good enough, I second guess every decision I make. I can agonize about what I want to wear to work the next day or what to eat for lunch. Big choices, emotional choices can be devastating. I will think them over and over and over, trying to figure out what the right choice is.

It has been said that I seem very decisive when I write my blog. I guess I am glad about that, but to be honest, usually when I am writing I am trying to convince myself. I am trying to figure out what I should do. Writing things out makes it easier to believe that I am making the right choice.

I have told people that letting me stew is the worst thing a person can do. I am so worried about making the wrong decision that I will become very stubborn. If I am not sure I am making the right decision, well at least I can at least make a decision and hope for the best. I try to take the safest course, the most conservative. I withdraw, I pull inward and hope that I am not going to lose too much.

I have had to make a lot of tough choices recently. I have had to draw boundaries with my mother, make choices about work and my home life. I am never sure if I am making the correct choices. I just try to make the best choices I can.

Referring back to yesterday's post, I have been trying to decide what things I am going to keep in my life and what things I should let go. It has been difficult. I simply don't know what I am supposed to do. In some arenas, it has been easy. In others, I am very troubled. I am stewing.

I have been asked if my entries are aimed at certain people. My usual answer is that my blog is about my life, so my thoughts and feelings about other people are going to come up. In this case, I can't dissemble. Yes, specific stuff is going on.

I am stewing, it's never a good idea to let me, because if left to stew, I stop engaging. I stick to the choice I made and cut my losses. I just don't know what else I should do and left to my own devices, I give up.

"See yourself, you are the steps you take..."

My father's favorite dessert was tapioca pudding. He liked coffee black, but his tea with cream. His favorite composer was Bach and his favorite poem was the Hunting of the Snark by Lewis Carroll. He hated nuts in cookies and his favorite candy was the See's chocolate assortment that didn't have any nuts.

I doubt my father could have told you anything about my likes and dislikes. He just wasn't that kind of dad.

I so wanted his attention. I learned his favorite foods and how to make them. I read the books he liked, watched movies he chose and did the activities he enjoyed. It never occurred to me to tell my father what I wanted to do. I don't mean that my father took me to only boring places. He would take me to Fairy Tale Town and the zoo. He liked cartoons and science fiction and fantasy, so most of the stuff we did together was interesting and often fun.

But I spent many years of my life hanging out on rails. I learned all the bell signals and could stand on a moving train car without grabbing the strap. I learned to hang on cable cars; swinging on and off them and turning them at the end of the line. I have never built a model railroad in my life, but I used to know all the gauges that could be built for display as opposed to the ones that could be ridden. I could tell you the routes of most of the SF Muni lines and where they ended. My favorite was the N Judah, because that meant milkshakes and hamburgers at Little Orphan Andy's. (I have let most of these bits of trivia go by the wayside, but they come up at random times.)

I put up with a lot from my father. While he did consider me when choosing our activities, things were usually about his wants and his needs. I was probably past 30 before I realized that I could make the perfect tapioca pudding, the best cup of tea and pasta like his mother made and my father would  not notice me. That's just not who he was.

I internalized his inability to see me  as "not being good enough". You could carve that on my gravestone as some sort of cruel joke, because it would be accurate. No matter how well I do something, I feel like I could always do it better. I could be better at school, at music, at swimming at anything. It's very hard for me to say, "I am good at a thing."

This is especially true of my relationships with people. I never feel like I am good enough for them. I learn their favorite foods and make them. I try to adopt their hobbies, their music, their tastes. This is not always a bad thing. I have over 90 GB of music because I've been collecting it for years. I have founds books I wouldn't have otherwise, tried new things, etc.

However, I have been realizing that I also treat people the way I did my father. If I get to know a person well enough and do what I can to make them happy, they will like me, right? Nope. I am really bad at asking for my needs to be met. I won't ask, I don't tell. I just assume that they won't be, because my needs aren't as important. I get my needs met if I am "good enough" and make the person happy.  If I am not good enough, then they get to ignore me until I improve.

To quote an amphibious admiral, "It's a trap!"

This line of thinking happened because of a really difficult session with my therapist. She suggested that a lot of my depression is rooted in this feeling of "not good enough". She asked me what would "good enough" look like and I realized I did not know. Good enough would be perfect, I guess.

I didn't cry in therapy, but I did afterwards. My therapist made me look at how many places I don't feel "good enough". I am not a good enough parent, I am not a good enough teacher, I am not a good enough partner, I am not a good enough friend, I am not a good enough knitter, the list goes on and on.

The upside of my daddy issues has been a ready willingness to learn new things and try out new experiences. The downside is that I become the worst sort of people pleaser. I offer to help, I give my support at my own expense and basically pour myself into other people, hoping to earn their love, affection and most importantly, their attention. When it goes well, it becomes a co-dependent relationship of the first order. When it goes poorly, its very painful, often for all parties.

I have decided to try something radical. I am going to try saying that I am fantastic and amazing the way I am. I am scared that I will lose my drive for improvement, but I am going to try it.

I am also going to try and rid myself of the people that don't make me feel fantastic and amazing. I am trying to be realistic, so there are going to be times when the old habits are going to die hard, but if I don't feel good about a person I am with, a group, or whatever, I am going to stop assuming that its me, but perhaps that I'm just not in the right place. 

I know there are places where I feel amazing and fantastic. There is Dickens Fair, gaming with my friends (board games and tabletop) and when I hang out with the people who truly care about me. (I had two friends invite me out tonight and I had to choose which thing to do. I wanted to do both and I would have been happy at either event. It was a lovely feeling even though I felt bad for having to disappoint someone.) There are places where I feel free to be me and the most amazing me that I can be.

I can't stay in relationships where I feel like have to beg and plead for attention. It didn't work with my father, it  won't work with anyone else. I am not sure what its going to look like in the long run, but in the short run, I've been purging my online demesnes of people who I feel aren't good for my ego. I am trying really hard to stop pleasing everyone.

I am going to try and ban the phrase "not good enough" from my vocabulary. It might end up meaning I'll have a lonelier heart, but that's better than a broken one, or so Yes tells us.