And when it seemed that I would always be lonely...

Yesterday is pounding in my head, literally.

I have been stressing so badly that I am clenching my teeth and it really hurts. I have a headache that won't go away. (This was part of the reason I was drinking yesterday, since painkillers weren't helping and I was hoping that some wine would help relax me.)

My husband is wonderful and he made sure to listen to me last night, which I really appreciated. I had lunch with some of my colleagues today. One of them reminded me that people meet in her room every Wednesday for lunch and I should come next week. What I am trying to say is that I am  getting support and a chance to talk to people.

I still feel lonely. 

I was talking to someone yesterday. They know more than probably anyone but my husband about what is going on. They were one of the few people I was fully confiding in. They knew that I received some pretty awful news on Monday night. When I told them about it later that same evening, their first response was to say, "If there is something I can do to help, please let me know."

They were one of the people who told me yesterday that I was asking too much. It started when they asked me when I would like to get together this week. I said, in jest, "every night?" That didn't go over well and I got a lecture yesterday. I will excerpt some of it:

"As for giving up a day, we have been over this before and i’m sorry if it comes across as shaming. Each week I have four weeknights available. I should spend one of them being social, if I can, like [group activity]. I would like to spend at least one of them seeing a friend on a more personal level. I need one to unwind and just have time for myself. And I need one to get things done, like cleaning and laundry....

...I am trying to carefully understand my needs and set boundaries. I know I will not always be perfect, but I am trying my best. I believe I am getting better. Thank you for understanding."(quoted without permission)

This was all before I had actually said anything about what I wanted or needed. All I had done is express frustration that they were only available one day this week and yesterday was the was the first I had heard of it. Normally it wouldn't be a huge problem, but my weekend is not my own, so my one-on-one social time is going to be drastically limited and I really needed a friend to talk to.

That's what started it all. We were discussing the week. We had not even gotten to the part where the friend asked me if I was doing better or if there was something they could do to help. We had exchanged pleasantries and before I could tell them anything, they told me about their limited availability. 

Yes, it was all via texting. I tried to explain my frustration, but things didn't go well. In fact the conversation went downhill and then underwater and I believe it ended up somewhere in the Mariana Trench.

 It hurt. 

It cut deeply to be told how I was begrudging them time with other people and that I was too demanding. This person is aware that my husband is working a lot of overtime, but that didn't stop them from reminding me that I should be leaning on him and not asking other people. Eventually I just decided that I shouldn't ask them for support and I should stop offering it to them.

This isn't the first time that texting with someone has gone poorly for me. In fact, I feel that a number of my recent relationships have been ended because of a text conversation that has gone horribly awry. 

At the moment, I don't have any texting buddies and that is probably for the best, at least from an emotional perspective. However, teaching is a very lonely profession and I like having people to talk to. On a day like today, when I am faced with a lot of work, it's nice to have company. I guess I just suck at not taking things personally, so the texting goes poorly.

So I have a stack of work and a headache. It's been a crappy week and it's only Wednesday. This week can just go die in a fire.

 

 edited for spelling errors and to make certain points more clearly.