Left to my own devices, I probably would...

I don't know what it's like to be truly certain of things. Between social anxiety and wondering if am good enough, I second guess every decision I make. I can agonize about what I want to wear to work the next day or what to eat for lunch. Big choices, emotional choices can be devastating. I will think them over and over and over, trying to figure out what the right choice is.

It has been said that I seem very decisive when I write my blog. I guess I am glad about that, but to be honest, usually when I am writing I am trying to convince myself. I am trying to figure out what I should do. Writing things out makes it easier to believe that I am making the right choice.

I have told people that letting me stew is the worst thing a person can do. I am so worried about making the wrong decision that I will become very stubborn. If I am not sure I am making the right decision, well at least I can at least make a decision and hope for the best. I try to take the safest course, the most conservative. I withdraw, I pull inward and hope that I am not going to lose too much.

I have had to make a lot of tough choices recently. I have had to draw boundaries with my mother, make choices about work and my home life. I am never sure if I am making the correct choices. I just try to make the best choices I can.

Referring back to yesterday's post, I have been trying to decide what things I am going to keep in my life and what things I should let go. It has been difficult. I simply don't know what I am supposed to do. In some arenas, it has been easy. In others, I am very troubled. I am stewing.

I have been asked if my entries are aimed at certain people. My usual answer is that my blog is about my life, so my thoughts and feelings about other people are going to come up. In this case, I can't dissemble. Yes, specific stuff is going on.

I am stewing, it's never a good idea to let me, because if left to stew, I stop engaging. I stick to the choice I made and cut my losses. I just don't know what else I should do and left to my own devices, I give up.