It isn't often that I believe I am right. I mean, I really think that I am right. The pattern is so painfully obvious that I feel like I can piece it together like a puzzle. If there is anything I think I know, it's people.
Except I don't anymore.
A friend sent me an e-mail asking if there was anything they could do to make a particular dance venue more comfortable. My answer was "not really". This friend and I had what could politely be called a misunderstanding. I am not sure how, but I figure I screwed up. I can own that and so I did pull back until I could figure out how to proceed. I never figured it out.
But I am not avoiding the venue because of them. I am avoiding it because I have no positive associations and I have a host of negative ones. I have spent more than a year trying to connect with that social group and I am only left with the feeling that unless I am providing a service (such as providing food) I have no value.
I know this is an ongoing problem. I spent three years in a Dickens group. I coordinated food and water for the run of our performances. I poured my time and energy into this group. I had hoped by making myself useful, I would be welcome. I learned that it didn't matter how much I did, when someone with more status decided they didn't want me there, I was politely invited not to return the following year. It was three years before I felt comfortable returning as a Dickens participant and I am far more wary.
I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for the past year. It has been an emotional mess. I have made many excuses and taken much of the blame for the problems in the relationship. I have given this person my love and support despite a number of issues between us. Yesterday I felt shamed because I wanted to see them, that I wanted their love and support.
One of my friends told me today that if I had told her that I wanted to see her everyday, she would have told me how sweet that was, given me some affirmation and then brought up reality. This same friend also brought up some issues she is having with her ex and I saw a number of parallels between her relationship and mine. The big one being what I see as an unwillingness to admit mistakes and work through them. It seems that her ex and mine are more interested in dismissing our concerns and proving that they are the injured party. I know that there is fault on both sides and my friend and I have become our own echo chamber. That said, I think that both her ex and mine don't understand how fortunate they were to have had such supportive partners in their lives. I believe they are really going to feel the loss in the coming months.
Or maybe I am wrong and these are lies that I tell myself for comfort.
When I end relationships it is usually a simple matter. I delete connections, I cease communication and I proceed as though the person doesn't matter until that becomes my reality. I hate being emotionally invested in people after a relationship has run its course. I learned the hard way that its stupid and a waste of time. (Thank you ex-husband, who walked away from a relationship of seven years and our family because he didn't get his way and threw a tantrum.)
I haven't been able to do that with this person. I still feel as strongly about them as I ever have. It hurts. I didn't sleep last night. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I am just trying to make it from hour to hour until I can go home and collapse into tears. I have had to put in arbitrary stops so that I won't contact them again. I have to remind myself that my texts, e-mails, phone calls or any action will not be well received. This is how stupid I am, I am at 5.5 hours and counting. I hate being pathetic.
I have to remind myself that just because I could write them a novel, they will not care what I have to tell them. I have to tell myself that there is no future, there is no friendship potential, there is nothing left between us. This mantra is just to get me through today. I am worried that I will end up bitter and hating them before this is over, I am so frustrated and angry and I feel so thwarted and helpless. I just don't understand why we aren't able to fix this.
I guess I just have to take Tylenol (although that has some side effects, since it dulls all of your emotions) and try and keep myself distracted.
Today's song was a toss up between Evanescence and something more modern. I decided to share Evanescence (video link) with them, because I'm feeling rather 14 at the moment. You all get what 17 year old me would have shared.
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